She left - 2

[25yearsmlc]

You wrote:

...When we interact I make sure I am at my best, even practice body language on the drive over. I practice all my new 180 skills, validate, etc. But I usually try to leave her wanting more and head out or leave while the energy is still good. I don't even look back when I leave or she leaves, which is hard to do.

I caught your TED talk recommendations in another thread in February. I was inspired and immediately read Shawn's book and have been working his ideas for the last 35 days. I really am a ton happier which has helped my DBing and detachment significantly.


That's ^^^ really good stuff. And for those of us who "make it" around here, it's mandatory to do these ^^ things, and more.

Such as what my DB coach urged me to do, which included

1) "applaud loudly for the 1% positives done by the WAS", which was MOTHER TERESA hard to do...at times...but geez, it helped my situation.

I think it matters a lot in your case especially, b/c you have a woman who is very torn.

Keep at these efforts b/c regardless of the marital outcome, you'll be a better man. That has to count for something. On occasion, it's all we get out of this "ordeal," and yet for most of us doing this journey, that actually is enough. Or it can be...or it has to be...

I know in my heart I have given my best to my m, (even with my many mistakes) and I know I did right by my children (or tried to). And, That IS enough.

The reconciliation is a big bonus, to be sure. But it no longer was "THE" goal, but merely one goal of many personal goals.

Also, 2) note that No woman is unmoved by the loving interactions of her children, with their dad (or the man in her life). But especially by the biological father. I think it's a turn on, like emotional foreplay. Seeing my h, years ago, on the floor with dolls playing with our d, who was then about 5, almost made me swoon. I LOVED THAT scene...

Be the best father you can be, now more than ever. Be in the moment, actively listening to them and reassuring them of your love AND their mother's love.

You do this, Not for your wife, per se. But for the children who truly need to know this, now, more than ever.

Reassuring them of their mother's love is key to THEIR development. Their self esteem...so it's not about what your w "deserves" as a mother but about your children's welfare.

One thing I consistently reassured my kids of, was that their dad would kill/die for them. I meant that, and I think your w is likely the same.

It does not mean our spouses make no mistakes, Lord knows. My h deeply wounded our d's when he left. As flawed as his decision was, and imo, as selfish as it was, it was also blind and a bit clueless. IOW, not "evil" but clueless.

And he feels profound remorse for it. It's a hard mountain for him to climb to get back into their hearts...but He DOES love our children---quite deeply.

THAT belief/ knowledge is essential for the growth and development of our children. Our children benefit greatly from that.

The truth will reveal itself, so don't worry about cake eating or her "Getting away with lying"...b/c 1) NOT your job to enforce the "laws" on her and 2) you cannot be the messenger of that "Truth" for several reasons. I hope those reasons are obvious...

Just remember that 1) it's for the kids you do this, and the other DB mantra of mine was to,

2) Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth...so don't make it any harder for your w to return than it already would be.

Don't add hurdles or imagine your w has a guilt free life or worry free existence. That is not true. She's in pain. It's hard to believe it when you compare her pain, or anyone's, to your own.

Also, just so I know, what would SHE say your flaws are, if any? I don't recall what it is you believe might have played a role in all this, on your end.

I am not defending your w's affair, but I have to say, it's very rare for a woman who has no record of cheating, to have an affair if her marriage had been solid or her needs were met.

Not saying it's impossible, but frankly, it won't help YOU at all, for me to say "you were a great h, but she's still leaving..." b/c then you are truly powerless.
Whereas if we find a few traits of yours that are not so great, maybe, maybe we can focus on what YOU CAN change, in YOU....

When we saw a mc (probably the 3rd one in a row) who told my h that he was "not acting as if he had a family" and basically telling him he was wrong to do what he was planning, it did ME, no good.

I mean, if a mc tells you that your w is being selfish you may feel validated...but so what?

What do you DO with that information? See my point?

You want to have things in your own sandbox, that you can do something about.

So what are you working on in you, specifically?

and Keep at it!