Discovering the buck stops here....

[mizjjd]

Portia Thank you for your kindness.

The MC was rather a spur of a moment thing. I was arranging the insurance regarding S21 and his anxieties and while I was on the phone thought "Oh what the heck..."

I am so undone by H's new behavior. I had prepared for many things, but not this. Him leaving in the middle of the night would possibly have been easier.

I will not have a M with an OW.

I don't know if H is genuine in his new found sentiment. My first thought is he's somehow sensing the distance and attempting to close the gap. On the surface nothing has changed.

I don't feel H's reawakening changes my intentions as long as OW is still connected. But it was easier to have my intentions when H was being crazy nasty. Now he's just crazy...

But there's zero trust. How could he possibly expect me to trust and believe him when he says ILY? (This would be part of the "crazy", because no rational person would expect that.)

And of course those other factors, like our children, like our struggling financial condition are still present.

H told me something today that made me think he is possibly truly evolving in some manner. H's sister wants to do a Christmas cruise with H's parents, H, H's sister (and possibly the other sister, but she is rarely liked...)

H's mom told him to hurry up and decide because "You know it could be our last Christmas together..."

Which is true. Its true for anyone, but they are in ill health so especially true for them. But as H told me this I mentally added it to the list of things I never want to say to my kids. I found it blatantly and distastefully guilt tripping.

And it was as if H read my mind. He said, "I wish she wouldn't use that on me. Doesn't she think I might want to see my family at Christmas too?" (Meaning me and our kids)

I did a goldfish impression for several seconds...lol.

So I feel lost all over again.

Not as bad as 2 years ago. But the footing I thought I'd found is suddenly slippery.

Now, evil Jaye enjoyed the Schmoopie! And evil Jaye had a flash that because H likes to email funny videos to OW... and evil Jaye knows H's email password...maybe evil Jaye should send the Schmoopie to OW on behalf of H?

But rational doesn't-want-to-be-on-Jerry-Springer Jaye said no. That Jaye is SUCH a spoil sport...

Take care

~Jaye