I've read about that idea in a few places now. I'd love to try it but I have two problems with it: 1) how I come across to people; and 2) making genuine compliments.
I'm torn about a lot of things such as this because of how I come across to people. Do I try it and hope it works out? Do I work on my communication first before tackling things like this? Those are the kinds of questions I'm dealing with. Basically, whether I prioritise personal development before focusing on others or whether I tackle everything in one go and hopefully I get good at everything eventually.
Barry...
First off...
Sorry to hear that your Son was bullied. I know how difficult that is to hear about..
Secondly.
I think that one has to look inside first, before anything can change outwardly within theirself....
A person can only give outwardly, what they feel internally...
One thing that I did early on, was to write a list of my qualities that I could accentuate, and a list of deficiencies that I wanted to change.
I created a list of things, that I wanted to show the world everyday, without expecting anything in return for doing them.
Just a few here...
Kindness Compassion Honesty Dignity Grace
And I started doing those things. Sometimes I really had to search for an opportunity, yet I somehow found a way to do everything on my list, every day.
I also made a list of things that I did not like about myself, and I started being aware when I had those thoughts, or I found myself in a situation where I would typically be those things...
Some of them were...
Controlling Superior Judgmental Manipulative
What I found, was that when I would start doing the things on my good list, the things on the bad list started to disappear. And I found it easier every day to do what I wanted, rather than what was expected, because of my past behavior.
What things are on your good list ???
Things that you want to show ???
What things are on your bad list ??
Things that you want to change about yourself ???
And I think that the word "yourself" should be the focal word in that sentence. This is about you, and what you want.
As far as how you come across to other people ??
From my perspective, you seem a little gruff around the edges. I feel as though you like to argue a bit, and I think that being "right" is very important to you. I read you as being very competitive in your life, and that being "right" is another competition to you, and yes...your Marriage is one of those things.
That you feel that you will "lose" if she leaves, or the Marriage ends.
Is it about being right or wrong ???
I see you as an "I know" guy. And that comes from being competitive, and from being unable to listen to other people's opinions and accept that, another person's opinion of you, is only their opinion...yes. Yet it is also the way that other people view you.
I was an "I know" guy. And one simple line changed my life..
Seek to understand, then you will be understood
What does that mean to you ???
The way that you treat others, is typically showing them the way that you want to be treated. Just like LFW's tag line.
Be the change that you want to see around you.
And I think that is what Lost is trying to get you to see for yourself....
In my experience in life, it isn't about what is right or wrong in a given situation, it is about what is right or wrong FOR ME, regardless the situation.....
DBing is about doing what works, and dropping what doesn't work. It is about changing past behaviors that you don't like about yourself, and doing things better in your life. It is about moving FORWARD with yourself, and living genuinely within yourself, so that your next relationship can be a better, more fulfilling relationship, filled with better love, communication, and honesty.
And that there is the potential, that your current spouse COULD very well be the person that you have that relationship with.
You just have to do your part in that, which is equally opposite from where your spouse is now. It has been said around here, to take care of your own side of the street, or stay in your own Sandbox....either way you name it, that is what it's about....
You have to be willing to risk it all, in order to have a chance to start new in the future.
And you CANNOT move forward, while you are looking back at her. She doesn't hold YOUR answers Barry, I can assure you of that.....
Think about this, and come up with YOUR list of good and bad qualities that you want, or want to rid yourself of....
