Hope, I'm sorry you are still hurting so much. My BD was right around yours and I feel the pains too. I think carrying the weight of what to do to change your H decisions is only wearing you out and making life harder on you. Cause it defintely isn't going to change his mind on its own. Unless your H has some revelation while gone he will likely come home sticking to his plan and you would do better if you could just worry about you. Believe me I know how much easier that is to say than do. I'm preaching it and not doing the best job of this myself.
Even if your H does see it as wrong, it may not change his course. I know my W has admitted this is wrong but still will not change her mind. If you are looking for advice about the D, don't do the work if you don't want to. Just admit that its not what you want and can't see it through though you can't stop him. He may resent it, I know my W did but I believe that she understands on some level.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
I guess my H did not really understand that my D7 is bothered by the fact that he hasn't been calling at bedtime. I was hopeful that he did get since he called right at bedtime last night. However, it is now almost 20 minutes past bedtime and we've heard nothing. I told her she could read for a few more minutes. If he hasn't called by then, I'll give D7 the option to call him.
As much as it s*cks for him to completely disregard my feelings, it makes me furious when he is inconsiderate of hers. She deserves better than that.
Bunches - Thanks for your response. I had been doing pretty well (relatively speaking, at least) for a couple of weeks. I was focusing on me and GALing. I've just been on edge since I allowed my H to trap me in an R talk last week. This might seem silly--or maybe not considering that my LL is PT--but it is hard for me to let go of the feelings from an argument with my H without physical contact. There is something about a hug that allows me to just let go of the emotion. Right now, I feel like I'm just a ball of emotion with no outlet for it. Clearly, I'm going to need to find a new coping mechanism, since that one isn't exactly available for my use right now.
I know the vets remind us regularly that this isn't a linear process, but I really didn't expect to go back to feeling as devastated as I did right after BD.
D7 called H at bedtime. As the phone was ringing, she mumbled, "I hope this works." H did answer and D7 was super excited to talk to him. She asked him when he would be back in town. He told her Tuesday. He told her last week that he would eat lunch with her at school one day this week. She asked him if it would be Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. He said he'd eat lunch with her on Friday. We all said prayers together and they said goodnight.
Then, H asked to talk to me. He started telling me about how much fun he's having with our nieces and nephews. We don't see them often enough. He sounded really happy to be spending time with them. Particularly when we lived in H's home state, his family and I were very close. They've been part of my family since I was 19, so it's pretty difficult to miss out on some of this stuff. I told him that it sounded like they were having fun and that I wished I were there to see them, too. He said, "Yes, you definitely should have come." I told him that I really missed everybody and he said they all missed me, too. Then he told me that he loved me very much. I'm sure he means as a friend and nothing more. It's so easy for me to start developing expectations when he acts like my H instead of the alien-possessed H he is most of the time now.
I think we're back to positive interactions. Last night, H started sending my flirty texts. I responded in kind, but very lightly. After a few minutes of this, he sent me a message that said goodnight. I replied. This morning, he called right after I got to work. He said he just wanted to wish me a good morning and promised to send me pictures of our nieces and nephews. It was light conversation, no pressure at all. I told him I needed to get to work after a few minutes and got off the phone.
Nothing major, just wanted to celebrate the positive.
H sent me pics of our nieces and nephews as promised. He also sent me a teasing message about eating at one of our favorite places from when we lived in his home state. I texted back, "I'm so jealous." He told me that I should be. I guess I just need to keep up this light, friendly demeanor for now. I just have to figure out how to do this with no expectations. That's the hard part.
Ugh...what do I need to work on to avoid positive interactions leading to expectations? This is the pattern:
*H is consistently nice for a couple of days. Really, he is mostly nice. Sometimes he seems more positive about things than others. *I start to think, "Oh, H sure seems positive. Maybe he's starting to rethink things." *I develop expectations. *H doesn't meet the expectations. *I feel disappointed and hurt. *H senses my disappointment and traps me into an R talk. *I tell my H how I honestly feel about all this. *H gets mad and pulls WAY far away. *I continue to feel hurt and act cold.
So, it felt like H was moving my way last night, initiating contact and being flirty. He was initiating contact again this morning, sharing info about his trip, and joking around. I convinced myself that I was just enjoying the positives and not developing expectations. Then, tonight, he asked to talk to me after talking to D7 and he just sounded kind of distant again. Not cold as much as distracted, I guess. He said he would call in the morning and see us tomorrow. He wants to see D7 when his flight gets in. I reminded him that she had swim lessons so we would be there. When we got off the phone, I found myself disappointed that he didn't tell me he loved me. It makes me feel really stupid. He's told me over and over again that he isn't "in love" with me. I shouldn't even think he would say it. BUT, he did say it last night. The good news is that I don't think he sensed my disappointment. It really didn't even hit me until I got off the phone. Now I just have to get my emotions under control before I see him tomorrow.
I'm really not usually so controlled by emotion. Actually, a few months ago, someone at work said that I was an emotional robot. She didn't mean it as an insult. She was just commenting on my ability to remain cool and calm under pressure and let stuff just roll off of me. Funnily enough, this comment was made a couple of months after BD when I felt like a constant emotional mess. In this situation, I find myself consumed by emotion way too much.
My D7 was disappointed again tonight. She called H twice at bedtime and he didn't answer. She left him a voicemail telling him that he really needs to start answering his phone. He called back about five minutes later. She immediately called him out for not answering his phone. He apologized and said he didn't hear it ring. I feel so badly for her. As she called the second time, she said, "He isn't going to answer" and then, "I hope this works this time." It's so frustrating. Is it inappropriate to say something to him? I probably know the answer to that question.
On a positive note, D7 and I had a great time this evening blasting music and dancing around the house. One of the good things about H not being here is that we don't have to see him roll his eyes or complain about our choice in music. My h hates pop music and will usually complain about it until we change it. I like Tom Petty as much as he does, but it just isn't as much fun to dance to.
Hope - I hear you...its hard not to get sucked in.
And even harder when H disappoints the kids.
Not that I'm coming from any experience, but when it come to my daughters, I speak up. It's one thing for him to disappoint me but the kids are already so messed up with whats going on.
I'd talk with him about it.
Jenn
M:41 H:38 D:6 D:3 M:11 yrs T:15 yrs Bomb: Feb 8/14 Seperated: Feb 12/14
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
Jenn - thanks for your input. I'm trying to leave the relationship between my D7 and my H to them, but it is very hard not to say something when I know she is being hurt. I know that my H isn't a bad guy and doesn't want to hurt her. He just doesn't seem to think things through very well. Not saying something is a 180 for me, but I am struggling with whether this is a good 180 or not.
So, H texted last night just to say good night and then started to send flirty messages again. I think it is a good thing, but find it very confusing.
What if you said it just like that: "I know you love her and don't mean to hurt her, but..." and then maybe share her reaction or what she said? Maybe without criticizing or giving him a suggestion-- just sharing the observation in a non-aggressive way. And if he gets defensive, reiterate, "I know you love her and don't mean to make her feel bad... we both have her best interest at heart... but I thought it was important to share how she responded with you."
And then leave it up to him to ask follow up questions or approach her. You can't control how he feels or what he does about it, but I think it's ok to let him know.
