There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with your getting help for yourself...in fact, it's imperative that you do....
My remark stems from the impression that you are not working outside the home and that it's your H's insurance, through his employer, that you'll be using to avail yourself of those services. Since your H had just told you that he will be taking you off his insurance should you D, I should think that DISCUSSING the use of his insurance might have been a good move especially since it gives him an opportunity to HEAR your dedication to get yourself together AS WELL AS give HIM an opportunity to tell you that he prefer you didn't use it. He obviously HAS an issue with the use of the insurance and YOU just chose to shrug your shoulders at that fact.
As for the "appraisal" you can either VALIDATE what he says, say NOTHING in response to a statement he makes that you don't care to hear...OR you can continue to counter his statements with YOUR position...reminding him that he said something DIFFERENT in the past (the deck/garage thing) will do nothing accept tick him off and make him regret ever having said he'd do that, considering where HIS head is right now. T2
The more you remind h how important the m is to you the more you indicate to him you do not think him capable of making a choice for the marriage. You belittle him by telling him he's wrong to feel the way he does. He'll start to dislike you. Don't remind him how you feel about the m he knows. When he makes those type of derogatory comments about the m and you respond with your pro-m statements you show your fear....indicating to h that you are not really what you say you are or want to be...strong, independent woman.
Just validate him say uh, huh, ok, I hear you.....NOTHING more....don't even say you want the marriage, or we'll work. Nothing about the m...you have to validate him and thus take all the power away from him to argue that the m is wrong! If you agree with him that the m sucks, well what is there for him to say?
And T2 has it right...you need to consult h about the insurance thing. Show your respect for him by deferring to him on this one.
I know this is all hard for you because you are so dependent on him financially and for your health benefits but you are doing great by taking cabs. You are making progress. What else can you do to show respect for h's wants/needs?
I have to agree with T2 and especially cindy too! Sounds like you are chasing your H or making him want what you want. Haven't you realized that the more you tell then to do something, the faster they run in the opposite direction?
Ok, so should I break my resolve not to call him and call him to ASK about using the insurance? or should I email him? I need help here...he's at work now and I don't know what to do...my appointment is already scheduled for Friday...he will say go...I know he will, but if you think I should Ask him...I need to know how to go about doing that..
Anybody got any suggestions? In the past, he has said he wanted me to think for myself...that is why I just went ahead and scheduled the appointment and precertified for the insurance coverage...I felt like I was being responsible and taking action and taking care of me before insurance went away... Now, you all have me second guessing myself...
Send an email about the insurance only. Sending an email will eliminate any arguments or plays on words or missing info. Be specific, stick to the insurance topic, keep it short and see what he recommends.
I called and got re-certified to cover my seeing the psychiatrist and counseling at Mental Health. I have an appointment on Friday. Then, I realized that I really needed to ask you about this. That it wasn't fair of me to just schedule appointments without discussing them with you.
I need to know if this is ok with you, as it is your insurance through your work and you pay the bills. I would very much like to continue going while I am still covered by the insurance. I am emailing to ask you if it is ok, as that is the right thing to do.
I am filling out paper work when I go on Friday that lists my status as separated from you and having an income of approximately 1,000 dollars a month plus insurance. The clinic has a sliding fee scale, so the counseling should be lower priced during this time.
I discussed this with the counselor over the phone and she said as we are not living together even though we are not legally separated this is fine. I realized that I had to discuss whether or not I could continue using your insurance with you, as I could not afford counseling and psychiatry bills and you would have to pay them. I do not want you to be saddled with more bills that you do not want.
I guess I disagree from the others about the insurance (though agree with the other statements).
You are legally married, how long does a D take (talking worst case scenario here). As far as I know, even with a legal separation, usually the health insurance benefits are maintained until the final disolution. As his wife, you are entitled to the insurance and I don't think you are doing anything disrespectful by using his insurance.
He wants you to take care of your own problems, than I would do so without his input, do what you need to do for you.
I wouldn't send the email and I wouldn't feel the need to tell him what measure you are taking to secure your own mental and physical health.
You know, I'm kinda leaning more towards what Dagny had to say here. I don't think that you really need his "permission", so to speak, although I can understand why you might want to let him know.
If you really DO need to let him know, probably just the first two sentences that you wrote might be sufficient. Anything beyond that kind of sounds like you may be trying to elicit some kind of response from him about either how happy he is that you're doing this, or how pissed he is that you're doing this.
Either way, this is something that you are doing for YOU, right?!
I'm not sure. I'll be interested to read other's thoughts on this!!
JJ
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