Ugh...what do I need to work on to avoid positive interactions leading to expectations? This is the pattern:
*H is consistently nice for a couple of days. Really, he is mostly nice. Sometimes he seems more positive about things than others. *I start to think, "Oh, H sure seems positive. Maybe he's starting to rethink things." *I develop expectations. *H doesn't meet the expectations. *I feel disappointed and hurt. *H senses my disappointment and traps me into an R talk. *I tell my H how I honestly feel about all this. *H gets mad and pulls WAY far away. *I continue to feel hurt and act cold.
So, it felt like H was moving my way last night, initiating contact and being flirty. He was initiating contact again this morning, sharing info about his trip, and joking around. I convinced myself that I was just enjoying the positives and not developing expectations. Then, tonight, he asked to talk to me after talking to D7 and he just sounded kind of distant again. Not cold as much as distracted, I guess. He said he would call in the morning and see us tomorrow. He wants to see D7 when his flight gets in. I reminded him that she had swim lessons so we would be there. When we got off the phone, I found myself disappointed that he didn't tell me he loved me. It makes me feel really stupid. He's told me over and over again that he isn't "in love" with me. I shouldn't even think he would say it. BUT, he did say it last night. The good news is that I don't think he sensed my disappointment. It really didn't even hit me until I got off the phone. Now I just have to get my emotions under control before I see him tomorrow.
I'm really not usually so controlled by emotion. Actually, a few months ago, someone at work said that I was an emotional robot. She didn't mean it as an insult. She was just commenting on my ability to remain cool and calm under pressure and let stuff just roll off of me. Funnily enough, this comment was made a couple of months after BD when I felt like a constant emotional mess. In this situation, I find myself consumed by emotion way too much.
My D7 was disappointed again tonight. She called H twice at bedtime and he didn't answer. She left him a voicemail telling him that he really needs to start answering his phone. He called back about five minutes later. She immediately called him out for not answering his phone. He apologized and said he didn't hear it ring. I feel so badly for her. As she called the second time, she said, "He isn't going to answer" and then, "I hope this works this time." It's so frustrating. Is it inappropriate to say something to him? I probably know the answer to that question.
On a positive note, D7 and I had a great time this evening blasting music and dancing around the house. One of the good things about H not being here is that we don't have to see him roll his eyes or complain about our choice in music. My h hates pop music and will usually complain about it until we change it. I like Tom Petty as much as he does, but it just isn't as much fun to dance to.
