Unicorns, Big Foot, and the WAS...

[artsy]

Thanks, 25 and lost and Scorp,

I do know my sitch is similar to others. I do try to pick up on pieces here and there and use them for myself, but there's so many stories, that it overwhelms me to be able to remember who they belong to! Lol! In the beginning it seemed my story was different, but I think I was just in a different spot in my sitch than when a lot of folks join here. I never meant to give the impression that nobody understands my sitch because it's different. I do, however, believe I don't explain my questions correctly the first time and I don't get feedback towards the right issue I'm dealing with- but that's all in my wording, I think.

But, YESSSSSSSSS! I need to let go of the anger. I'm trying. I've been praying daily for 4 months. Trust me, I'm doing the work! Lol it's just taking me longer than I want it to.

And you exactly answered what I was trying to ask: I need to have a better attitude about things and stop hiding from H. That's what I needed to hear.

Lost- I've never implied my H is abusive. He's not. But I just don't feel like hanging out with him, to which 25 posted her story. And as far as the 30%, I'm not sure most people on here with similar timelines would say they're getting enough out of the R with their WAS. I respect your rule of thumb, but I'm not quite there yet. Maybe I will be, eventually, but not now.

Thanks for the feedback, guys!!!

[hope456]

Just catching up on your sitch. I'm also dealing with lots of anger. It seems to come in waves. I'll go a couple of weeks feeling sad and hurt, but not angry. When the anger sets in, my patience disappears...and then I want answers. I do notice that the anger seems to be less intense, or maybe I seem to focus on it less, when I'm doing a really good job with GAL.

I also agree that most of us are not getting enough out our R with our WAS. I know I'm not. It's kind of hard to do so when one of the rules is not to talk about your own feelings, lol. I don't even like my H much right now.

To 25 - Thank you for sharing that story. It's very inspiring.

[25yearsmlc]

Just to throw these two things in, First, I don't get the sense that "abuse" is being alleged here but maybe the comment was made b/c of the "good to bad ratio"

and to me, the whole "30% good ratio" etc. is not applicable b/c I feel that when we get here, as in, HERE on DB, there are too few of us having much good happening at all....b/c it's a darn rough"patch" we are having...

I certainly had months go by with NO "good memories" at all. As in "zero".

I was filled with pain and anger and resentment. And sadness.

But once upon a time I thought my h was my soul mate. So I hung in there, during an almost 0% "Good time" ratio, b/c of that fact that once upon a time I just knew we had "it".

And it was mainly due to our past and the belief that we COULD someday regain what we had lost...and that would always going to be my goal.

Not to hang in b/c I get some return on my investment right away, or a ratio of it,

but b/c I hoped and believed that someday we could regain our footing.

Hope this makes sense.

I told you the Palm Springs story b/c I think it's possible, to take a temporary positive approach...when we don't look at the whole "mountain" but just where we have to climb that day/week.

See, when I did that with my h, and started to see him more positively, it did not "Solve" all our problems. It was a start to something.

It gave me a glimpse of what forgiveness might look like. And several months later, I looked back at Palm Springs as a pivotal moment in that process.

Do try to turn it over. Honestly, I used to say it out loud in the shower (so the kids wouldn't think I was going nuts muttering to myself)

and I said it out loud, a lot. By thinking the words "I turn this over to You", and saying them, and hearing myself say them, it helped the message of letting go, sink in.

Keep at this. I think your h is in more pain than you realize. Never underestimate the possibility that he's in deep pain. Yes self inflicted, but irrelevant.

With my h, there was more than I realized at the time, but it's worse later on when the H's realize that they have to overcome things with their chiildren, not just us.

It's already hard enough for them, don't make it harder. In fact, try to remember another thing my DB coach would say, which is to

Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth...

[artsy]

Hi, Hope. I understand the anger!! For me, working out helps process it through. I think about things as I'm running and once I'm finished it seems to abate. It also helps alleviate the depression. Hopefully you have an outlet like that!

Oh, 25! I cried reading that post. Thank you! I know he's in a lot of pain. He tells me all the time I need to stop assuming mine is worse.

I think that's what is so frustrating to me. I know he's in pain and I have to let him sway in the wind until he can figure it out. Meanwhile I get a front row seat to the show.

I'll definitely save that post and come back to it when I need a reminder. Thank you!

[artsy]

I was looking for a necklace yesterday on the internet. All I put in to the search engine was: small necklace charms. I always look for things that are "different", so I avoided all the little hearts and crosses (although I have worn them in the past). One fought my attention on Etsy- it's a clear resin sphere with a single mustard seed inside.

Before this all started 9 months ago, I was unaware of the mustard seed reference in the bible. Since then, I've seen several references to it, both here and tv, etc. On the seller's website, it says the mustard seed symbolizes faith and change.

I immediately bought it. This is the perfect statement of what this journey has been/will be about for me. It should be here in a couple days.

AGAIN, the universe shows me the way!

[lost18]

Thanks 25! I know that was posted to artsy but can apply to most. Is there a way I can bookmark that so I can reread it when necessary?

[25yearsmlc]

I usually cut and paste and "Store" somewhere on my computer, particular pieces that resonate with me. Then I can use them with others they might hit the same way they hit me, OR as motivators/reminders for myself. I even put some on my iPod.

Over the years, those have piled up.

[artsy]

God's on my twitter, again

"Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you've ever been, to stand up taller than you ever were."

[artsy]

Had IC today- he called me out on my avoidance behavior, and pointed out H is avoider, too. Interesting point he had: avoiders don't knowhow/are scared to bring up difficult conversations (hence the avoiding). IC sees H's calling the house "my house" despite the fact I have asked him not to as a way to force a conversation-either subconsciously or not. A lot more was said about the subject, and I think he's right. Looking back, all of our arguments have stemmed off of similar behavior...interesting. I have stopped reacting to those comments, but IC thinks that would be a great way for me to jump start a conversation in the future. We can't keep on walking circles around each other. Someone has to make a move at some point, it will undoubtedly be me.

Also, H is MIA. He always shows up on Monday to take care of the dogs. Today He did not. I texted him to ask about his schedule this week (he's supposed to take D12 out for dinner and help me with yard work). ...no answer. Hmmmmmmm...

[artsy]

********GAL ALERT********

I am pleased to announce I am officially going to my Bruce Springsteen concert! Squeeeeeeeee! So excited!!!!! This is wonderful for my PMA right now! My people from my past job are on spring break next week, so a concert on a Tuesday night is feasible.

None of them know my sitch, so I will have to deflect questions, but I am so looking forward to it! Now if I could just convince someone to travel to the John Mellencamp concert this summer...