Need help saving my family - part 10

[ericmsant2]

I noticed comments regarding 50/50 custody….

My own experience has been…..

Most mom’s need time to “accept” 50/50. Dad's may not like it..but it is what it is.

My ex wife pretty much abandoned the kids for a few years (FWIW – my definition of abandonment….she left at 5am and came home at 11pm, 5 – 6 days a week I was left to do all parenting). Even though I did not agree with it, I actually understood it. My ex had been a sahm for a while, and the thought of “loosing” control over the kids was a bit too much for her. Personally, I do not think she was intentionally trying to keep them from me. Nope. On the contrary, she wanted FULL control over them. In her mind, she wanted the control on when I could see them. Luckly for me, after my divorce, they were with me 60 – 70% of the time. I also believe, that since our court systems drive child support based on the amount of time the kids are with a parent, that my W was afraid that she would not have enough money to support herself.

Custody is a very complicated process.

Personally, I would suggest (and this is what I settled on)….

“A flexible parenting scheduled that allows the children to spend roughly equal time with the children”. A monthly parenting schedule will be created by X and shared with the other parent. In the event that both parents do not agree, then the following default schedule should apply”. No primary residence elected. Parent X address will be used for school purposes only”.


In the above, you leave the parenting schedule open. It is as equal as you can get. My ex finally agreed when I offered to pay her more than required for child support. So her fears were but to rest and I was able to be a parent.

In terms of the approach or how does one achieve it…I believe that…….

If YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT IS RIGHT – IT IS NEVER WRONG.

So Scorp7 – do what you KNOW is BEST for the kids. Your W does not have to agree (although I would like to think she would). Do not be afraid. Do not use the kids, custody or support as a weapon…..just do right be them. The rest will take care of itself.

I was thinking, my family is having a big family gathering for Easter on Saturday April 19th. There will be about 20 or so of us there and the kids will do an easter egg hunt. Should I mention that in my email to my W so that she understands there is a big family day planned that the kids would love? Might help her to be a bit more reasonable, maybe?

If you are communicating it to her with some expectation than NO (expectation = “more reasonable”). If you want to let her know as a parent what the kids will be doing, then sure. Personally, I think you are being nice with an expectation.

[Scorp7]

Eric, because of the major difference in my income versus my W's I will be paying her child support, although reduced somewhat, even if we have 50/50. The only way I wouldn't have to pay is if the kids were with me more than 60% of the time. I will do what I have to in order to support my kids when they're with my W regardless. I haven't told her that yet but I will soon.

I suspect my W is having the same issue as your ex as far as letting go of control. I understand, it would be very hard for her to not have the kids with her half the time even though right now due to her new job she isn't the primary care giver, my MIL is. The main issue is control so given time she may get used to the idea. If not then the court will decide.

I like you suggestion for a parenting plan. Very reasonable.

As far as the thing about Easter (I ended up letting my W have the kids for Easter and telling her they will be for an extra day) I'm sure I had some expectation that she would know that the kids love going to the family gatherings as they always had. I didn't want to assume she would know that my family would be getting together so I wanted to tell her what the plan was. Not an issue this time though since I went along with her wishes except for asking for another day.

[Scorp7]

That should say "I ended up letting my W have the kids for Easter and telling her they will be with me for an extra day

[ericmsant2]

Scorp7

Eric, because of the major difference in my income versus my W's I will be paying her child support, although reduced somewhat, even if we have 50/50. The only way I wouldn't have to pay is if the kids were with me more than 60% of the time.

Child support is for your kids. I was not suggesting that you try and lower the support numbers nor should you ask for more time with the kids to reduce the support. You should though try and find a way to ensure that the funds that go to your W for the kids…is going towards the kids.

I suspect my W is having the same issue as your ex as far as letting go of control. I understand, it would be very hard for her to not have the kids with her half the time even though right now due to her new job she isn't the primary care giver, my MIL is. The main issue is control so given time she may get used to the idea. If not then the court will decide.

Ideally you DO NOT want the court to decide. Hence the flexible plan approach I suggested. It gives your W the financial security that she probably feels she needs AND grants you NO LESS than 50/50 quality time with your kids.

On a personal note, how are things with your otherwise? What are you doing to keep your spirits up and your sanity intact?

[Scorp7]

I would never consider having more time with my kids to reduce the amount of support. It blows me away that some people are so low that they actually do that. My only concern is that I have my kids with me as much as possible. Ideally that would be every day (I'm not closing the door on a R someday) but 50/50 would be liveable for my kids and myself.

I likely should have my L communicate to my W, or maybe I should do it myself, that I will pay her the same amount of support regardless. That may at least help to ease her mind on the financial side of things.

I agree, I don't want the court to decide at all. I didn't want lawyers involved in the situation either. This will be an interesting week because my W is going to be served with papers which may make things rockier for a bit. It actually makes me ill to think about having to do that, despite everything that has happened in the last 6 months, I still love her totally.

I'm slowly getting better again. The last month or so I've felt like I've taken a step back. I'm working out pretty well every day again which makes me feel a thousand times better. I went for a long hike yesterday which is something I'm hoping to make a regular deal. Besides that, my Dad and I hung out on the weekend which was cool. I'm still very slowly getting back into music. I've had thoughts of booking a show or two just to get back out there again but I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

I've always hated being alone so it's tough since that is how I find myself most of the time when I'm not at the office. I miss having my W (my best friend) to share my life with.

[melissag]

NOOOOOOO on that flexible parenting schedule. No way. Scorp's W is not cooperative. The two can barely have a conversation. Did you know that he has to send emails through his MIL?? No. You need to get a detailed, and I do mean DETAILED parenting schedule. Because if you don't, you will be fighting all the time. Scorp, If you have a detailed schedule, and some miracle occurs by which you and your W are able to communicate and cooperate well, then you don't have to follow that schedule. But if things are not going well, you always have that schedule to fall back on.

Just my $.02.

[melissag]

Also, I would keep child support and parenting time completely separate. Don't even mention them in the same conversation. Do not offer to pay her more or less or the same, just leave it to your attorney to figure out. JMO.

[Barrybran]

I'm with Mel. Set it in stone and negotiate changes as required. Want an extra weekend? Negotiate to give her a weekend swap before the fact. To do it on the run though will cause all kinds of trouble for poor Scorp.

[Barrybran]

Oops, I mean melissa. My babysitter's name is Mel and I just sent her a message so it's in my head lol.

[ericmsant2]

Melissa/BarryBran

I think you missed this part of the plan...

then the following default schedule should apply

The default schedule is outlined ahead of time. So in the example that I posted BOTH parents have flexibility and BOTH parents have to agree. The default, would be a 50/50 split.

Scorp's W is not cooperative.

She is not cooperative NOW...but no one know how she will be in the future. She could be a nightmare like my ex or she could be pleasant. The flexible plan with default works in both cases and avoids having to go back to court.

FTR, my default is Wed, Thur and every other Fri, Sat and Sun. For the most part we follow the default.

Also, I would keep child support and parenting time completely separate. Don't even mention them in the same conversation. Do not offer to pay her more or less or the same, just leave it to your attorney to figure out. JMO.

The point I was trying to make was under the assumption that since Scorp makes more than his W he may be required to pay her alimony. If this was the case, then he could decide to pay a little more in child support and less in alimony (tax advantage for her) in order to get this done quickly.

At the end of the day, everyone has to do what works for them. My experience has been that it will not be everything that scorp wants not everything his W wants. He may find if he is willing to give a little he will save a ton in legal fees over the long run.

I likely should have my L communicate to my W, or maybe I should do it myself, that I will pay her the same amount of support regardless.

I would not communicate with your W about this at ALL. You need to be on the same page with your L. She will tell you what your options are and what she thinks is fair. At the end of the day, most of the times (not all) the two L's can work with both side to reach an agreement. So to repeat, I am not saying that you should hand over the house. No. I am saying that if is gonna cost you 20K to fight in order to save 100 bucks a month...that if you do the math, how long would it take you to see a benefit.

Glad to see that you are feeling better.

Even if it is two steps forward and one step back...it is at least one step forward.

Eric