[BrightFuture]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Job, I was hoping that H was coming out of it. It’s been almost 2 years, I guess I’m tired of having an empty hope.

Ab Fab, I keep waiting for that better tomorrow, but it hasn’t happen yet. On the opposite, I think I’m going backwards. I have anger towards H resurfaced again. I’m trying to deal with it. As for still looking for work, you are right, my struggles are part of this crazy MLC thing. I do lose the confidence sometimes. Other times I just cannot concentrate and my brain does tricks on me. I also think that people who are going through the D or break up of their R’s project that vibe of loss and grief. You might not realize it, but it is probably coming across. And this is partially why I’m angry again.

Willbwell, I’ve been having some dreams about H sometimes too. A couple of nights ago I had a dream and all I can remember now that there was something exciting about me and H. I remember feeling really good in that dream, but when I woke up I could not remember the details.

Whytry, I’ve read your story and I will stop by your thread to post my thoughts. For some reason I still think that H will regret his decision to end the M (and he hasn’t filed yet), but I’m afraid I will not have the patience to wait. Job says he is still in replay, and it’s been almost 2 years since BD, and I suspect it is longer for actual start of replay. You posted some interesting things on your thread. You gave me hope that one day my H will realize what he had with me.

Heather, it is good question where I am on my journey. I thought I was moving along pretty good, but I had a couple of major setbacks recently. You are an amazing woman and you did accomplish a lot during these years. I absolutely admire your determination and the way you set your goals.

I find myself actually going backwards in certain aspects of my life. I was a confident, accomplished independent consultant. I made twice as much as H made. I was handling my business and helped H with his part. I thought I could support myself and not rely on anybody else. And here I am now… Almost 1 year without work, thinking how I’m going pay my next bills… I stopped going out because I cannot afford it anymore.

I thought I identified and resolved my childhood issues… And here I’m again… My Dad is here, staying with me. I found myself full of emotions all over again. This is a definite setback… It also interferes with my job search, because I’m fighting these emotions associated with my parents. I realized that I’ve been having a Stockholm syndrome. I didn’t get love and emotional support from my parents when I was a child. My Dad loved my sister more. My Mom never hugged us and always criticized everything we did that was not a direct order from her, and even then we didn’t do it right. Then, when I was still M’d to H and thought that I had a good life with him, she said that I didn’t have a good fortune with husbands, but my sister’s H was great. Then she didn’t like my son’s GF and was giving me a lot negative stuff about it. Well, Dad ignored my son’s GF when he saw her last week. They treat me like a slave who has to do what they want, but they don’t respect my choices and people I love. Why am I still doing things for them? Why do I feel sorry for them? Why do I try to accommodate?

My parents are also the reason H broke up with me. His comment was that I was starting to look like my Mom and he didn’t want to fight the rest of the life like my parents do. So, every time my parents visit, it is a huge trigger for me. Plus my childhood issue was that I didn’t get much love and protection from my Dad, so I was subconsciously looking for a husband who could give this love and protection to me. This was an issues in my M. This is something I thought I overcame during the last couple of years, and here I’m struggling with it again. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I will never be cured and H is right that I will never change.

Heather to answer your question about what I’m most afraid off. I think I’m afraid of going back to old me and never being able to fix the issues within me.

Sorry for the long post. I’m trying to concentrate on work now, to be precise, looking for work. I’ve been having some interviews and I am struggling to keep focused. My Dad’s visit is a big distraction. But, I also realize that I might not see him again. So, I’m very torn inside.

I will come back to answer more to Heather’s post.