So we discussed financials and I suggested to her it will be nice for her to take a couple of months off maybe during the summer before starting a new possible teaching job in Sept. Her current job is stressful, long hrs, not much pay and sometimes weekend work. At first she told me she wasn't going to be a stay at home mom
I'm not surprised she reacted that way. Early on I thought that maybe BD was because XW was stressed at work, so I told her to consider quitting her job, that I could support her. Oh wow was that ever the wrong thing to say to a WAS!! To her, her job was her lifeline- it was her income, where all her friends were, etc. It was her escape from the marriage she perceived as an unhappy one. So for me to offer to let her quit her job sounded to her like a super-controlling/ manipulative move on my part. That was something I said about a week after BD before finding DB'ing and believe me, I never made that mistake again!
I think like most of us you are way underestimating just how done your W is. You're still trying to figure out what "thing" you can say or do that will fix things and return your M to "normal". There is no magic bullet. She is done, and no matter what you say or do you've got a long, long road ahead of you with an uncertain outcome. I think you're putting too much pressure on her with the foot rubs, talk of vacations, offer to let her quit her job, etc.
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I believe is really hard for me to DB when she is angry and bitter most of the time.
Then you misunderstand DB'ing, because DB'ing is all about detaching to the point that no matter how angry and bitter she is YOU are HAPPY. I've put it this way to others:
Attached: W happy, you happy. W angry, you angry. W sad, you sad. Detached: W happy, you happy. W angry, you happy. W sad, you happy.
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If I go see my child at her school and she finds out, she resents that I saw her while she is working. I feel this may be because she feels she is in the situation she is in now because of me.
Yes you are right on both counts. She resents everything you do right now no matter how good it may be. That's what WAS's do. You can't win. That's why we tell you to do these things for YOU, not for her. She will say things like "why didn't you change before it was too late? Why did you have to wait until I was done?" It makes her angry. If you do it for her she will continue to be angry and you will get discouraged. If you do it for you then what she thinks won't matter and eventually she'll respect you for being true to YOU, for making yourself a better person not for her, but because it's the right thing to do. And THEN she might look back.
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She did say she hopes we can be friends (specially because of the kids)
They all say that, but none of them lift a finger to make it happen. They're harboring too much resentment. It takes a long time for them to get over it.
