Take Two ...

[Train]

Thank you, Starsky, so, so, so much for that.

I think sometimes I get so bogged down in marriage-saving books and rituals that I allow myself to start believing that somehow I wasn't enough. And obviously I *wasn't* "enough." But: enough for *what*?

Would I ever be able to fully recover from all this? The affair, alone, is hard enough to deal with. But all the hurtful things being said - I mean, he flat-out says her name in front of me now ... while still occasionally slipping up and calling me "honey" - are just piling it on even more.

I'm just questioning everything I say or DON'T say and every move I make - or DON'T make. I know I have to work through all this. And I'm not going to do it without making mistakes along the way. I also know things will be easier once H has his own place to take the kids to. He's having to work around his friend's work/sleep schedule right now, which means he either has to drag the kids all over town all day on Sunday or he spends time here. I knew I should have left yesterday - and I had PLANNED to be gone. I'd been gone each time he stopped by here this week. But I was SO tired yesterday; it's getting EXHAUSTING to do this. I don't want to tell him to "stay away" - and I have several reasons for that. Mainly, I've been legally advised not to rock the boat while he's still paying the mortgage. But yesterday, he was here, working on finishing an outdoor project with S7. And while I kept my distance as much as possible, I got sucked into a conversation I didn't want to have and wasn't prepared to have. This is like a never-ending tango dance. The good news is: I only have to actively fight it one day a week. So I guess my plan should be to MAKE SURE I don't GAL so much on Saturday nights (like I did this weekend) that I'm too tired to GAL outside the house on Sunday.

As far as H's friend stopping by, yes, God's timing is perfect. This guy is 10 years younger but emotionally much more mature than H. He left without leaving the tool here, even though I told him H would be here yesterday to pick up the kids. He said he thought he'd hang onto it. He said no one (besides me) will call H out on his bullsh!t (which is TRUE), but *he* will. I told him not to bother; no one can change him or make him see the err of his ways.

This is H's path. But you know what is bothering me so badly? I think it is SO unfair that H gets to cheat and be so hateful and so indecisive, yet he KNOWS he has a heart to come home to, even when I'm GAL and detaching; he knows me THAT well. How insulting is it that he would say to OW, "I've got to go home." He should be wondering IF he has a home to eventually come home to! Why is it that I love him even after all he's done but I've done *nothing* to have deserved THIS particular thing, and I'm having to clamor for HIS love? I'm exhausting myself by "GAL" and staying away and mentally figuring out my next course of action and reading every book and every article I can to figure this crap out.

It just doesn't make any sense. And it makes me feel like such a dumba$s loser.