GA, Have your pity party today and then tomorrow, get up and be the strong individual that you have and continue to be. It's not your fault that he's in crisis. It's not your fault that you didn't break him so that you could fix him. The fault lies in his childhood, somewhere as a young child, he was emotionally stunted and now has to go back there and revisit that time and grow up. He been playing at being an adult for along time, but he now needs to face those demons and truly experience the life he didn't complete back then. Again, it's not your fault.
We all have been where you are today and it's a horrible feeling, however, you will get stronger and as you begin to take the rose colored glasses off, you will see more clearly and be able to better protect your heart. Feel the loss, pain, hurt and anger. Allow those feelings to wash over you and then let them go.
You had expectations, hoping against, hope that things had settled down and he was on his way back. It's part of the coaster ride and now you need to step back, detach and allow the man upstairs to work on him. Many will disagree w/me, but he's having his cake and eating it with a spoonful of ice cream on top. I would suggest that you cut the intimate activities w/him because you don't know where he's been and w/whom once he goes home. Stop doing things for him.
Now, take the cake, plate, fork and knife and put them all away. Time for him to face some of the consequences of his actions. Cake eating time is over. Let him go, both in body, mind and spirit. He needs to go on this journey of self discovery. Your journey of self discovery has begun as well. Who do you want to be and what do you want to accomplish for yourself?
Your birthday is next week, plan to do something special for yourself, i.e., whether it is to take yourself to lunch or dinner, buy some flowers or a special perfume that you like. Maybe take in a movie or do something different from what you've done in the past...but you should recognize and celebrate your special day.
Again, stop blaming yourself for loving a crisis man. Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, stand up straight and get on making your life better and no matter what, find something in each and every day to smile about.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
