Take Two ...

[Train]

H hung out with the kids all day yesterday. He asked me if I could talk later. I told him it depended on what he wanted to talk about. He mentioned L. And I politely said no.

Later, however, he told me that one day last week he told OW that he had to come home. And she cried and "was all f***ed up about it." And H said he decided that if he were to work on our M and eventually come back home, it would be "out of convenience, just like last time." And he says he's afraid he'd end up right where he is right now again sometime down the road. I felt like somebody sucker-punched me in my gut. But I just thanked him for telling me. I couldn't think of anything else to say that would come out "right."

I'm HOPING this is just more of him "rewriting marital history." Because that hurt.

Convenience? Ouch.

I mean, I remember when he came home last time. I remember holding him as he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I think of all I had to swallow for him to come back and live with me. All I had to fight for. And he's calling that "convenience" for himself now?

I don't know - nor can I guess - what's going on in his relationship with OW, but he went on to say that although he has been assuming full responsibility for the A all along, he's finally willing to acknowledge that "she didn't have to call (him) back." He also mentioned how volatile things are between her and OH right now.

That's the short version. He cried a little. He thanked me for loving him unconditionally for so long.

I'm happy it's Monday and I have another few days to breathe and work on myself before he picks up the kids again. I mean, I feel okay. I'm not beside myself or anything. I'm just wondering if this is a mountain I'm prepared to climb when I can't even prepare myself for these little conversations.

One of H's friends stopped by unannounced Saturday to bring back a tool that H had let him borrow. I told him H doesn't live here anymore. He was stunned to say the least. Said he talked to H last week, and he didn't mention a thing about it. He has worked with H at several jobs over the years and was around the first time this happened in 2005. He was SO mad to find out that this has happened again. He told me I don't deserve it, especially after everything I went through for H last time. He gave me so many assurances. And I don't know why - maybe because he's watched it? Maybe because he knows H so well? Maybe because it's a male perspective? - but it made me feel so much more at peace with where I am. He made me self-reflect and realize that while, yes, I could have done a better job at meeting H's emotional needs, I was a good W to him. I left that conversation knowing I really am a prize. And H is the one who really needs to sort out himself and his feelings. I'll be okay - maybe even better - after this situation. It doesn't make it any less painful or confusing now. But one day, if I lose my H this time, I'll know that I deserved so much better.

But for right now, it's just painful. The conversation with H threw me for an unexpected loop. I just don't know what to say or do. I feel like such an amateur.