Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

ye,

I am picking up "Codependant no more" today. I do go to IMC and it has helped a great deal. I have surrendered to fact that I have a lot of the signs of being codependent. I did that back when I first started counseling 1 week after S. My therapist is very good and realizes that I have made some progress. When I slip up I just want some backup material on hand to reference.

I am much better at worrying about myself more now than ever. Sometimes I just backslide and I know that is ok because we are human.

I attended a couple Al Anon meetings they were good but mostly concerned with drug or alcohol addicted Partners. That is not an issue in my case.

IMHO I have changed a lot about myself over the last 9 months and it is very freeing but at the same time I really regret that I didn't seek help sooner. Could it have saved my M maybe or maybe not but I would have started to become the person I want to be sooner.

I know it is my W choice to do whatever she pleases its her journey. At the end she may come back. If she doesn't I will be fine. TBH, I would have been fine without all the things I am doing also but I would have stayed that same person that chased a loved one away and would have kept repeating the same toxic patterns that got me where I am today.

I have never mentioned to my W how I feel all that I am doing to improve myself has changed me and I never will.

She has brought changes she sees up to me and I thank her for noticing.

She definitely still has "I'm done" written all over her actions and I'm sure feels strongly "it's too little too late". I can't control that those are her feelings.

The one thing that totally bums me out is, while I feel I am doing everything I possibly can to become the person only a fool would leave. If my W does or doesn't notice or comeback I will have to forgive her for not putting her full effort into saving our M from her side.

Something she told me she knows she isn't doing but doesn't want to either. I don't ask and she doesn't tell me her reasoning for this position. That would be clinging or pursuing I think. I guess my W just feels it is easier to start over than to put in the hard work that a loving M needs or deserves.

We all have choices and must live with the consequences of those choices.

[nit84]

Well I guess it is progressing.

My W came home yesterday and said we needed to change some bills to lower costs but she no longer has any income and wont be able to pay bills except for when she borrows money from relatives.

It then morphed into a conversation about fixing up the house and it is fine if I want to but she will need to sign a piece a paper absolving her from any debt because of the remodeling.

She wants to put the house up for sale but has no company in mind to go with.

We talked about credit cards and some other financial things. then she finally got around to her real question.

W said she wants to make this as painless as possible so since we have been S now for nine months it just be a formality with the paperwork unless I am going to fight her on it.

I simply told her we both have to do what is in both of our best interests and she agreed but pressed on about if I am going to fight her. I said TBH I am not prepared to consult an L at the moment and cant give an honest answer to that question at the moment.

She got a little upset saying she is being up front with me and explaining her wishes and I said I appreciate that and respect that but I still can't give an answer right now.

Then she went into how I could if I wanted to make her life hell for the next 20 months or so. I countered with I don't think I have made your life hell since the S and honestly for a couple years prior. She said just me being in the house is hell for her, she cant sleep, she is just uncomfortable and if I wondering why she is never home it is because she doesn't like being around me no other reason than that.

I said I understand and respect those feelings of yours but none the less it hurts to hear the words.

She went on to say that she tells everybody I am a great guy when I am not drinking I agreed with her and said this past 9 months not drinking has been awesome for and has allowed to do some soul searching.

She said she not discounting the fact that she believes that drinking on both our parts had a lot to do with our problems and now that I am not drinking somewhere down the road in a different context she could be my friend. She said she doesn't think she is throwing away 12 years of marriage because she wasn't happy for a year before the separation. I slipped here and said but you are. I will explain other stuff that was discussed later I just need some time to now to process everything.

I will say there were no raised voices but when she got upset because I didn't give the answers she wanted she abruptly ended the conversation saying well this was a waste. I told I didn't think it was and when I know some more answers I will certainly share them with her.

I then left and gathered myself for an hour and then came back and explained some things to her that I thought needed to be said she listened and offered some more insight to her feelings and again I validated and then left it alone.

Again I will tell more on the interaction later but for now does anybody have any thoughts how I handled the parts I just explained?

Anything I could have done differently or suggestions on what to do going forward now that we actually had an R talk for the first time in 1/3 of a year. Again, I am not sure why she is all the sudden in a hurry because things even if uncontested take some time. I believe she is out of money and thinks if I would just agree to everything her life will be fine. It may but I just cant say for sure right now if I am ready to give her what she wants.

One thing that I did tell her was I hope she understood that the money in the one money market account even though it is joint is money that I put in on my own so anything from S on morally is mine if not legally and there are some other funds in there that were earmarked for other personal expenses of mine that were agreed on right after the S.

This leaves about 2000.00 that would be split between us that could be used for her portion of the bills or whatever she chooses.

She said she would have to check that out. I told her this to let her know that that it is my feeling that that money beyond the 1000.00 that would be her share would be off limits to her to use.

Now I realize she could drain that account but I still trust her that she would not do that.

Should I have not said this? I believe I had to stand up for what some of my thinking is instead of not broaching the subject and avoiding something that potentially could upset her.

[nit84]

Just thinking. I could say this and have no problem with what W says or does.

My W says she feels uncomfortable around me and by me being in the house it is making her life hell. Do I tell her that she has every right to move out?

When she comes back with " have no place to go" which I know she does.

Do I bring up the fact that she can't afford to pay half the house expenses then why not just move out to where she could stay for free and have no expenses. Her Moms or Grandma's is where she could go.

Will this be taken by her and others that I am punishing her?

My intent is not to punish her but not rescue her any more than I already have during this process. She has made it clear that she still want to proceed with the D and I made it clear That I understand and respect her feelings but don't share her same thoughts.

I did not tell her that I was not going to help her in filing, should I have?

I don't think I should have being that it is implied by my not sharing the same feelings on D as her that I am not going help her in some ways but I will when asked provide answers that she might ask of me when I have fully thought them out and if it is in my best interest.

My W is a WAW and although I have done a decent job at DBing and she acknowledges changes she sees and honestly likes them but still cant bring herself to choose to love me again because she allowed me to mentally abuse her and for that she is beating herself up.

If she wants to walk away she should walk away. I probably have screwed up by not being more firm earlier in the process but now it doesn't matter because my approach has not worked so I must think of another.

I know that some people will think I am being an A-hole and I cant help that.

Maybe there is a different way to convey my feelings than how I explained above Any other suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

THe one thing is I honestly do love my W and I want it work out. I just want her to face the consequences of being a WAW

Am I going about this wrong at this point?

[nit84]

I believe there still is a chance for us based on some things W said to me last night but at this point she still has her eyes focused on the other side of this.

I am at a critical junction right now I think and I am doing ok and trusting myself but could use some veteran help more than ever at the moment. AS, MrBond, Sandi and others please if you could help with some thoughts it would be wonderful.

[nit84]

What is the protocol on delaying answering certain questions or providing information that should remain for my eyes only for the time being until I have better prepared myself for possibly receiving D papers? I want to make sure I am protecting myself. At the current moment because of work it is impossible to do another consultation with a L. I am not sure my W will file any time soon but can't be sure.

Is it ok to just say "I am still not prepared to give you and honest answer because of nature of present circumstances."

[MrBond]

You're over thinking things. There is no "protocol".

Just answer the immediate questions that need addressing and for the others, just say tell her "thank you" for the information and that's that.

[nit84]

MrBond,

Thanks again, you are right.

I did say thanks for the info and I will consider it a couple times during the talk. It just felt weird and that is why I was asking if I handled right or not.

Along with saying that the part of her that loved is gone and other WAW script, Because I listened and observed, I heard her say some things that tell me she is still confused and real close to her bottom. No expectations but silently I am feeling sorry for her. I am trying not to take advantage of this situation she has gotten herself into but I am trying to protect myself financially and emotionally at the same time.

How do I do these things without coming off as controlling. I don't want all the power honestly, I want us to be equal but W is seemingly putting herself in the one down position that she hated so much. I realize she has to want to get out of the position on her own by any way she chooses not by me helping her. This again is very new to me after 15 years of thinking I was caring for my W correctly only to be told I was overbearing.





I don't want to rescue her any more but that is a hard habit to break.

When she says things like "I have no money" or "I'm(meaning her) not doing a good job at becoming the person the I want to be"

I am empathizing with her and telling her she is a better person than she was but that started even before the S.

I am not telling her obvious things like" well if you get a job you will have money." or things similar that could be construded as me telling her what to do and stuff.

She says she needs to independent I agree with her but when she says things like this rarely does she follow through with actions backing it up.

I just let it go and observe.

Is it ok to "boost" W confidence or should I just keep it at the empathizing and validating level?

She told she doesn't want to talk to me socially because I will get weird thoughts that because she talks to me that means we are getting back together. I told this isn't true but I understand why she would think that and I just really care for her family and pray they are well just as W wishes for my family to be well.

Then 5 min later she is asking me about a family member and how they are doing and I tell her. Things like this make me go to another room and shake my head.

When I bring things up that seem to upset W her standard answer was well I guess we let the L figure it out. I tell her that is her choice.

When W said "You have had nine months to come to accept this", speaking about why I couldn't answer her immediately if I was going to fight the D if she filed. I told her "just like you have used this time to work on yourself(true or not) I have used this to worry about me not really thinking about anything but me. Because that is what I need to do."

She just nodded her head in an accepting manner and I walked to another room.