I think I belong here #2

[praying_in_GA]

You know, some days I don't even know if he is in a MLC or if he has just left.

It has been 6 weeks now and things are no where near clear for me yet. It is all my fault though. He has emotionally and mentally checked out of this marriage. I am the one left standing here holding my heart in my hands waiting for it to be stomped on yet again.

We have had a great couple of weeks. We have spent time with the kids, as a family, as a couple. We have been intimate, going on outings together, planning to do something for my birthday together. He has hugged and kissed me more in these two weeks than in the last year. I have been lulled into a false sense of happy and positive. Sigh. It has been my downfall.

So last night we are watching a movie of his choosing. We were chatting on and off a bit. I said to him "You know, I have always felt lucky to have landed you." He smiled and said "Really? *pause* How are you going to feel later?"

So of course, things have been nice in the house and between us. He needed to knock them down a notch. Knock my down a notch. Remind me of where we are and where he is. How could I have been so stupid?

I truly need to let it go. Let the hope go. Let the glimmer of my marriage go. Let my husband go. Let my love for him go. Just let it all go. He is gone. He is done. I am hanging onto nothing. I am the pathetic soul sitting and waiting for him to turn back to me. I am not DBing. I am not following the book. I am a broken woman pining after a broken marriage and thriving on the facade of happy we are throwing around.

My birthday is next week and I just wish I could skip it all. Just come home from work that morning and sleep until the next day.

I know this is my fault. I have been playing myself this whole time. He hasn't lied to me.