She left - 2

[25yearsmlc]

Sometimes I highlight things I see as positive, AND OR I cross thru when someone needs to stop minereading or projecting negatively, etc.


Let's look at the positives...

Little update. Friday morning W came over and took kids to school, not much talk or interaction.

Today she sent me a pic of each kid mid day. Around 7:00 I got a call from the car with the kids talking. W then invites me to come and join them on a "kiddie cone" run. She drives across town to pick me up and we head out. She buys me a drink then off to Starbucks for her.

There ^^^are FOUR acts on her part that are indisputably positive. SAVOR THIS FAVOR...


She asked if I was in a hurry and we head out for a 15 minute ride around town, then drops me off. Kiss kids goodbye and that's it.

She said the kids asked about dad and ice cream so they called me. Truth, lie, excuse, or whatever, she invited me along.

Not sure why you'd put any negative attention here^^. It was ALL positive. As long as you don't increase your expectations, there's nothing wrong or weird or risky, with being grateful for positive interactions.

Thats what I mean when I say "get out of your own way". Do you think you were like this when fully married? I mean, so skeptical or suspicious? Were you able to be in the moment and feel happy, without any pollution in it?

I say this partly b/c of how you write/sound to me, here.

But also b/c sometimes it's an unfortunate trait in human nature to get so jaded that we "forget" to feel our joy and peace and happy times-- FULLY, whereas when we are sad or angry, we FOCUS in on it...nothing else interferes.

Have you ever been SO furious that nothing someone said or did, made any difference?

But then, compare it to happy times...holding a new baby...and then letting a fear or old resentment or insecurity pop in and "stain" the joy.
Why do we do that? Who knows? But identify when you are negating a positive and stop yourself before you swirl in negativity

and ENJOY JOY in life.

Make sense? IF I have not already suggested those TED talks, I will now. "Positive Psychology" by Shawn Achor and another one by Amy Cuddy on "faking it til you Become it" (titles of their talks might be different but they were at the 2012 TED Conference,among others) and

though short, their talks were profound in their implications. Only 20 minutes long but if applied, absolutely life changing.

And that workshop I mentioned above, SHOWS you how to do ^^ these types of things. You get tools for that and we all need New tools after a martial challenge such as yours.

"Retrovaille" is a retreat weekend solely FOR couples in crisis,

whereas EE is for individuals (which sometimes means couples).

Naturally when we improve as indiduvals, we tend to become better partners, better parents, better workers and just better people.
For ME, attending an individual workshop without my h was far easier b/c I was not inhibited by some of "my" issues. (My r with my late mother in law was a problem for me, which I doubt I'd have brought up if my h had been at the workshop with me. But learning what MY role was, and was not, really helped me fix it and helped my r with h, of course. But it was so much deeper than that...anyhow, check out their website. There are a few with similar names but they are NOT the same. EE that I'm discussing is in Philadephia. Autumn Leaves and Power of Now and "Inshock: and Lucky Luke are some of the DBers who loved it.

I don't know anyone from DB who hasn't loved EE...but enough with the acronyms...yikes. This will read like a government contract soon...





Conversation and interaction was light hearted and fun, ever enjoyable and reminiscent of when we were good. I can't help but feel like this was like a mini or trial date. Only she knows her true intentions, but it was pleasant none the least.

Actually she may not know, OR she may know but it may change, so, is there ANY point to the guessing game? (No, it's just self inflicted confusion and or pain).


Just when I start to feel different and think less about her and more about me this happens. Coincidentally or not who knows.

Don't read too much into this! IF - IF - IF there is any connection,

it's b/c you are not radiating your needs/expectations as much and thus you are easier to be around.

That's a good thing...right?


It was enjoyable but may not mean anything. Felt great to be like a family again, but not trying to read into it or get my hopes up.


Get out of your own way. "It was enjoyable --BUT"...

STOP yourself when you insert a "But", after a nice true comment.

"it WAS enjoyable." End the sentence with that, instead of negating the prior clause.

That's what the word "But" does to our meaning, it negates it what we just said before it.

EXAMPLE: "You're very handsome, BUT you're overweight"....the recipient hears ONLY that he is fat.

You say it "felt great to feel like a family again" (Which she may have felt too) so just leave it at that, and feel gratitude.

It seems to me every time you feel something positive, you think the other shoe will drop.

That ^^ can create a scenario in which you bring about the very thing you fear most. Like when some insecure men get super possessive and jealous of their wives, they get uber controlling and critical/suspicious of nothing. They hurt their wives with their criticisms and scrutiny and lack of faith. Ironically,

They can end up pushing the w into the arms of OM b/c the h is so nutty and angry & the wife is so lonely and bullied/harried...So in that situation (hypothetical!) that ^^ h created or brought about the very thing he most feared---and yet---

AND YET---he will probably say "SEE? I TOLD YOU SHE WOULD CHEAT!" And never look in the mirror to ask if maybe He caused her to do so!...

So just FEEL the happy moments, the gratitude and don't take away from it or add into it, some doubt or nagging suspicion.

Happiness is NOT = to false hope. So imo, you risk nothing by feeling happy. You risk a life of joyless living and loveless relationships, if you cannot feel joy or happiness without negating it in the next breath.

Just curious, I'm an adult child of an alcoholic. That's not a big part of ME or my life at this juncture but in my 20s it played a role in how I experienced things. Sometimes I "worried" about being too happy b/c I thought it would change the next day, as if I could not get that lucky...or maybe I didn't believe I was deserving enough.

I attended a workshop I think YOU would get a lot out of, that other DBers have said they greatly needed/valued. It's called "Essential Experience" (aka "EE") and I apologize in advance if you are the person I just posted to, about this. I hate repeating myself (and I don't even get a kickback for referring people!!)

But EE changed my life and the lives of everyone I know, who has attended. It's pretty darn profound and very much in alignment with DB principles as well.

Check it out please.


And, please, do yourself a favor and Leave the gratitude alone, & just FEEL it.

Not sure how else to say this but , BE more positive - and thus more happy- and thereby easier to be around, easier to love, and much easier to feel loved BY - a happy person.

Can you "hear" me?

Being honest I think she may be starting to feel or see me differently. That being said, I am going to keep holding course because it may still be working.

"she may be starting to feel/see me differently"

Well yes she MAY. That was your goal....Only time will tell. You know your behavior right in that situation was not making things WORSE...

so what's with "that being said...I won't change course"...What??

I mean, WHY would you change course when it appears to be succeeding in getting her to doubt her choice. That' was the goal, not a complete turnaround so fast, which would not be credible or lasting anyhow. People CAN rush reconciliations too fast but there is very little downside to taking it slow and building on it. Like the foundation of a home you want to last...

(SIGH...sometimes your negating comments and frequent caveats makes it hard for me to know just what you are trying to say, or what you fear so much...)

IN SUM

1) there were definite positives in your situation, so something IS working.

2) No APPARENT (to me anyhow) reason for you to change course. Who suggested that? (Anyone? Your fears?)

Don't equate your desire to "work on the m", with constantly doing something... and don't assume that "doing something" is always good/ b/c TIME is a key ingredient to all the success stories here.

I know it is hard not to want assurances - our spouses cannot provide at this time. So don't ask and don't focus on the unmet needs. Focus on the positives.

3) why do you say "it may still" be working - when as far as I know, it's the only thing that HAS clearly definitely been working...

I mean, what are you really saying? You want to change...to WHAT?

Are you still mixing the approaches so you can't tell what is working and what is not Or just getting impatient or what?

Make a choice of approach, and stick with THAT ONE, and give it enough time before you monitor for results, let alone decide it's Not working,

let alone decide What to change to...
B/C I think you confuse yourself a lot, and that's probably sending mixed signals to your w.

Be consistent. Show those changes, which you need Not worry about showing if they are real. Reality reveals itself, like TRUTH...

and again, "do the math".

Consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

(In case you were wondering about when You can Worry about HER flaws,

it is never...b/c it's not your job. And if you can't handle that answer then at least admit that the time for YOU to focus on Her flaws is at the very least, a whole lot later. Getting in her sandbox now, only harms you).

If someone as stubborn as I am, can learn this^^ lesson, You can too.

So stay in your sandbox and take care of Your stuff.

Good luck!