Good morning Queen, Dazed, Bob, Livnlearn, and all...
Well, H was here to pick up son and take him to school. I offered him coffee. H accepted. H took the garbage. They started to get ready to leave. I asked son to go get in truck. I asked H if he was coming back. (didn't want to ask for cash in front of son, but have no cash and was going to have to ask H for some) H said he was going to bring garbage can back so he would see me in a little while. He said this nicely. I said ok, bye.
Off they went. I flew to the bedroom and got out of pj's and robe as I had overslept and was not dressed!!!! I had barely had time to fix hair and face before he got here. LOL Guess that's ok, I looked casually nice...as if I wasn't too worried about him coming over...but still my hair and face were put together...you know LOL...like a soap opera star...Like I slept without mussing my hair or makeup LOLOLOLOLOLOL Of course my pj's and robe are not nearly as exciting as you would see on television...not when H isn't sleeping at home, anyway.
Well, when he comes back, think I will make a point of telling him how excited I am at the prospect of getting a new computer. I want him to know how much I appreciate his offer. It really is nice of him. And I am going to pretend in my mind that it is his Valentine's gift to me...that's what I have decided. Even if it isn't...hey, I can dream, right?
I am going to go to a treatment center soon to get some tips on relapse prevention and when I go ...I will get a second opinion on the bipolar diagnosis. The shrink I see has also mentioned ptsd and bpd...post traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder...both stemming from incidents in early childhood...I was molested by a physician and then raped at an early age by a stranger..so who knows? Anyway, the meds I am taking right now help, but I would like to try some others with less side effects...but for now I am going to keep taking these.
My mom sent me the most beautiful card. It said that although what you are going through right now appears to be a tragedy, it is only because you are only half way through it...it is really a miracle ...once you have gotten through it ...you will realize that... or something to that effect...then she wrote that this experience was going to make me a stronger better person and now that I was sober and knew what was wrong with me...the bipolar disorder...that I was going to finally be able to deal with life on life's terms...and that my H was going to be the loser for not sticking to the marriage vow in sickness and in health and standing by me..through all of this ....she said she realized he had gone through much with me...but I had also gone through much with him and shame on him for not being more willing to stand up for his vows...
I don't know...I think he is struggling with his own demons..I believe he loves me...I think he is just in a lot of pain...he doesn't even know what he wants right now...
so I hope that he can figure out that he wants his marriage back...
my mom's card and belief in me help a lot though...and her love for me is wonderful...and hey...she is my mom, so of course she is disappointed in my H for not seeing how wonderful her daughter is...
