Good to see that you're back here and posting. Keep on posting. Don't need to wait until you finish your "homework."
She stays as far from our bedroom as possible (sleeping on the couch and spending almost all her time there) and I have just left the room for the most part and let her be.
Staying out of the bedroom is her choice. You cannot control W's actions.
Last night she and I and our youngest watched movies together and she was nice but aloof.
That's good. No pressuring W with hanging around her and every word she says.
For awhile we went together with the kids but that stopped when she started to withdraw when her grandfather died.
The MLCer will withdraw from people and activities they used to enjoy. It is part and parcel of feeling pressure from the outside world. It is THEIR journey. I did find out that one of the reasons she wanted me to go was that she used this time without me home to call and talk to her dad. This way she didn't need to worry that I would over-hear anything she and he talked about as he has been telling her to leave for years!
You are mindreading here. Unless W specifically said this to you, you really just don't know the real reason.
I joined some meet-up groups a couple weeks ago and while she was gone last week I posted that I went out on Facebook and I know she saw it. She hasn't once asked about it.
You want to be sure that you're joining these activities because you LIKE them, not to get W's attention. Focus on YOU. Try not to worry if W notices or not.
The day before she left she seemed upset that I went out without her telling me that she "knows" I was lying about some part of where I went or what I was doing.
Good! You have your own life to lead and cannot worry too much what W thinks or will say. Being upset is her own choice and she needs to own these emotions.
She has for the most part been friendly. I made dinner and she thanked me and ate with me. Then I just let her be and went back to the bedroom leaving her to read on the couch (which she now calls her 'bed", which my youngest HATES!).
Matt, are you saying that you don't hang out in the living room or in other parts of the house, right? If that's the case, then you've got to take back your own house! Don't go hide away in the bedroom. If she has a problem with you being around her, let her move away.
I am trying to stay upbeat and happy but I do sometimes get angry that she is still wanting to destroy her family just because she wants a change in her life.
Careful there. You cannot blame W for all of this sorry mess. It takes two to have gotten to this point. Own up your part and take a long look at what you've contributed to this as well.
I haven't said that I know about her secret bank account. Not sure how she would react but probably wouldn't care what I said anyway. She was so worried when all this started that I would start hiding money (her divorced friend told her that the "injured" person always does this) but I never did and now SHE is doing just that because her dad told her too!
I would want to keep an eye on the marital assets and money. Sometimes MLCers will just blow through money like there's no tomorrow. If you haven't already done so, I'd suggest that you set up your own account and keep the joint account to a minimum to ensure that it does not negatively affect you financially. After reading about why some people go through MLC, I know it's about her childhood and her dad abandoning her. Now, she see's him wanting her in his life and i'm in her way as he won't accept her unless she leaves me. So, instead of trying to talk to him and tell him how he hurt her. She see's a chance to HAVE the realionship she never did with him NOW.
This is W's chit to figure out all by herself. This is something she feels compelled to do herself and let her be. You cannot get in the way of that father-child reconciliation irrespective if it's healthy or not. It is not for you to decide. Eventually, W will hopefully figure this out in due course.
He tells her he wants to make-up for all he did that was bad but to do that it has to be just her, no husband, no kids. Why can't she see him for what he is? Why does she even want him back in her life if he will only do so on HIS terms?
I see this as presenting some valuable life lessons for all parties involved: you, W and FIL. You need to figure out how you want to conduct yourself in this part of life's circle. Each one of you has a role to play in this new wrinkle. The way I am seeing this is that FIL is most likely sees you as a "competitor" for his daughter's affections. This is what occurs when one parent has been away for so long that they've missed out on some important milestones in their child's life. It is pretty clear that FIL is not a very secure or self-assured person. Your W will need to go through this life lesson to reconcile some of the various versions of a Daddy in her life.
We were watching a movie once and some guy was upset about his girlfriend not wanting him anymore. She said "All he has to do is stop caring about her and ignore her! That's how you get a girl interested in you, just not care!".
Are you really listening to one of the more lucid thoughts from W? Sometimes the MLCer will very rarely say a pretty lucid thing to the LBS. This is when it is critically IMPORTANT to pay attention. These are the gems to tuck away in the back of your mind.
Also, a big part of our problem is that when she started having sex problems while on depression meds our sex life went to hell. We always had had a great sex life with her havong an "O" everytime (she said this). When she was on the drugs, that stopped and now she even has trouble masterbating and can't seem to get her enjoyment back. This scares the hell out of her and is why she started using testosterone in hopes of getting it back.
Drugs may or may not play in this part. For me, while I was in my MLC, my sex drive took a big dive. I think it was due to the MLC depression. We struggle with a whole yarn ball of emotions that confuse us thus a jumble of numbo jumbo tumble out of our mouths. Which is why it is important not to take things personally when the MLCer says hurtful things sometimes. She can't even bring herself to touch me and in the past said that was because whenever she touched me, I touched her back and she didn't want that! (Not sexually, just things like returning a hug and such). This part has me the most worried as unless she stops feeling that touching me is bad, we have no chance of ever getting through this with our marriage intact.
Many MLcers get numb with their spouses. Our circuits are all whacked out so we run away from our spouses emotionally so this is what you'll see from W. It is NOT you. All of this is W's chit to figure out by her lonesome self. If you will, you'll see that a lot of MLCers flinch away when their spouse attempts to touch them. It is not YOU. I know...easier said than done. You'll have to treat them as a "housemate" to help with the detachment.
She tells me she worries that if we get divorced she'll turn into an "old cat lady" and never have love in her life again but loses weight and seeks attention from men.
It is a classic MLC-talk. We all worry about losing our youthful looks and missing out on life. Feeling we've not accomplished much. So we run like mad trying to make up for whatever's lost in our lives. W feels the need to feel attractive so she checks to see if she's able to stir up interest from other men.
If things don't change soon, it's just a matter of time before it happens. It may be one of the reasons she wants out of our marriage so she can if she wants.
You just don't know....an awful lot of mindreading here.
I mean why use testosterone when she didn't even want a relationship and say she enjoys sex and wants to have it again after saying she doesn't want one.
You're speculating. Have you come right out and asked W this? It doesn't matter what W really thinks anyway for it is illogical and irrational. A lot of MLCer's thought process is on the blinker so many things that come out of their mouths are very illogical. It's the norm for the MLCer. Goodness knows what I've said to Ms. Wonka during my MLC!!
I wish I could find a way to stop her father from getting between us as each time she started to come out he gets involved and she runs back in the tunnel. I think without his pushing her, she may have been able to deal but here's the person who caused her so much pain and he's telling her "Just do this and I'll love you and make up for all the hurt I caused", I can see why she wants this.
You cannot possibly even entertain the possibility of interfering with their relationship. Oh my...you'll get some serious blowback from them. Don't go there, Matt. W is gonna have to figure this chit on her own. You may not like this at all. I can clearly see that W is probably feeling very conflicted and confused. Who wouldn't if their parent suddenly came back in their lives and hectoring them to give up their life to join them. I do feel for your W and the mess she's gotten into with her father. It is their chit to figure out. Just leave them be.
Also by interfering with this process, you will delay the MLC process even further and prolong it even longer. You wouldn't want to do this, right? Just let this progress naturally without your interference.
All she ever wanted from him was love and acceptence and here he is telling her he will give it to her if she does what he did! She's already hurting and confused and add that and no wonder she can't get through this!
That is assuming that you THINK you KNOW how your W feels and thinks. Be careful there, buddy. You're wading into dangerous territory here. Maybe, just maybe, W can get through this...that is her choice. It is a path that she feels compelled to walk on with or without you.
