Hello again everyone, Yesterday was my wife and youngest daughter's first full day back from school trip to D.C. Wife has been tired and keeping to herself. I, for my part have been trying hard to just leave her alone. She stays as far from our bedroom as possible (sleeping on the couch and spending almost all her time there) and I have just left the room for the most part and let her be. She used to read romance novels all the time and after D-day mostly stopped. Now, she has started up again and as spent her time reading or texting her friends and dad. I have been friendly but let her interact first (mostly). Last night she and I and our youngest watched movies together and she was nice but aloof. Today she didn't once ask me about going to church. You see, since this all started, I have started to go back to church (alone). She has encourged me to do this but told me that she doesn't need to go to church to "be with God". This has been something we have had to deal with since we got married. She was raised with NO church. In fact we couldn't get married in my church because of this. For awhile we went together with the kids but that stopped when she started to withdraw when her grandfather died.
I did find out that one of the reasons she wanted me to go was that she used this time without me home to call and talk to her dad. This way she didn't need to worry that I would over-hear anything she and he talked about as he has been telling her to leave for years! I joined some meet-up groups a couple weeks ago and while she was gone last week I posted that I went out on Facebook and I know she saw it. She hasn't once asked about it. The day before she left she seemed upset that I went out without her telling me that she "knows" I was lying about some part of where I went or what I was doing. I had thought about going out today but the weather isn't good and the only thing going on was outdoors so I'm just trying to stay away from her and let her do what she wants.
She has for the most part been friendly. I made dinner and she thanked me and ate with me. Then I just let her be and went back to the bedroom leaving her to read on the couch (which she now calls her 'bed", which my youngest HATES!). I am trying to stay upbeat and happy but I do sometimes get angry that she is still wanting to destroy her family just because she wants a change in her life. I haven't said that I know about her secret bank account. Not sure how she would react but probably wouldn't care what I said anyway. She was so worried when all this started that I would start hiding money (her divorced friend told her that the "injured" person always does this) but I never did and now SHE is doing just that because her dad told her too!
After reading about why some people go through MLC, I know it's about her childhood and her dad abandoning her. Now, she see's him wanting her in his life and i'm in her way as he won't accept her unless she leaves me. So, instead of trying to talk to him and tell him how he hurt her. She see's a chance to HAVE the realionship she never did with him NOW. A 2nd chance to have the man who hurt her love her instead. She can't see that if he truly did care about her he would accept her for who she is, a wife and a mother but won't. He tells her he wants to make-up for all he did that was bad but to do that it has to be just her, no husband, no kids. Why can't she see him for what he is? Why does she even want him back in her life if he will only do so on HIS terms? If I told her that I only would accept her if she did certain things or was a certain person she would laugh!
I also see that as she started her MLC I started to chase her. The less I chase, the more she tries to get me too. This has been going on for years! During times when she was being real she has said things that tell me that she doesn't want to keep this going. We were watching a movie once and some guy was upset about his girlfriend not wanting him anymore. She said "All he has to do is stop caring about her and ignore her! That's how you get a girl interested in you, just not care!". Also, a big part of our problem is that when she started having sex problems while on depression meds our sex life went to hell. We always had had a great sex life with her havong an "O" everytime (she said this). When she was on the drugs, that stopped and now she even has trouble masterbating and can't seem to get her enjoyment back. This scares the hell out of her and is why she started using testosterone in hopes of getting it back. She stopped using it as I stupidly got upset about it since she refused to have sex or even touch me and when I asked her why she needed it she said so she could someday have sex with other people (now I know it was the MLC talking and should have not reacted!). She can't even bring herself to touch me and in the past said that was because whenever she touched me, I touched her back and she didn't want that! (Not sexually, just things like returning a hug and such). This part has me the most worried as unless she stops feeling that touching me is bad, we have no chance of ever getting through this with our marriage intact.
She tells me that she doesn't want to see other people but stopped wearing her ring. She tells me she worries that if we get divorced she'll turn into an "old cat lady" and never have love in her life again but loses weight and seeks attention from men. There have been times where from what she says she may have had an affair in the past but nothing solid. At one time after she went back to work there were some indications that she may have but I trusted her and dismissed them, now I'm not so sure. She may have and now feels guilty or that if I knew I would reject her. If things don't change soon, it's just a matter of time before it happens. It may be one of the reasons she wants out of our marriage so she can if she wants. I mean why use testosterone when she didn't even want a relationship and say she enjoys sex and wants to have it again after saying she doesn't want one. Again, MLC and saying things that make no sense.
I'm trying to keep from chasing her at all. I'm trying to GAL and do things on my own without her. She said from the start that one of the things that she didn't like was that I didn't go out and do things on my own and have enough of a life seperate from her and our kids! I wish I could find a way to stop her father from getting between us as each time she started to come out he gets involved and she runs back in the tunnel. I think without his pushing her, she may have been able to deal but here's the person who caused her so much pain and he's telling her "Just do this and I'll love you and make up for all the hurt I caused", I can see why she wants this. All she ever wanted from him was love and acceptence and here he is telling her he will give it to her if she does what he did! She's already hurting and confused and add that and no wonder she can't get through this!
Any thoughts from others are welcome as this detatching is hard and it feels so wrong but I can see that it makes sense!
M-52 W-47 M-20 yrs. T-25 2D's, 14 and 18 B-day 6/13 (ILYBNILWY), wants a divorce and not even try Still home but planning to go, sleeps on couch, no sex, no touching
