Points to ponder...

[AJM]

Anger. It's a bi*** isn't it? What makes it worse, is that your anger is not inappropriate, although there may be more to it, right?

Let me ask you something WH. Is your anger solely about your D running off or is there more? I ask because you have been through a LOT and are only now starting to really work through it and gain better perspective. I see it in your thoughts. I've been there too. I don't think the question you should ask yourself is whether or not you are going to get "blowback" from your ex, but rather what's right for you. What's right for you will also be right for your kids.

When your L tells you to call the cops, you have a way to deal with the situation that you should take. I suggest following that advice as well. It won't be fun, I can promise you. But since when is the right thing the fun thing as well?

I read your other posts. The posts where you were taking out your memories and re-visiting them. I know how that is. I think it's important that you do so. I also think that emotions will come up as you do. Be careful of that, to not let them overwhelm you and color your decisions. They can.

In my POST-divorce dating, I went through several men who were unavailable emotionally or otherwise. What was really happening was that I felt more comfortable with them, because I wasn't quite ready to give myself fully to a "real" relationship. Now I've been in a serious relationship for a year with a man who treats me like a queen, because I'm finally ready to accept that.

Yeah, when she wrote that I totally get it. I have since done some similar things myself and see that. It's easy to date somebody who is not a "threat" to your life. Not Mr Right, but Mr right now - so to speak. We learn from the people in our lives, and sometimes we learn more about ourselves than anything else. It's Ok. It's even helpful. And it's very normal for somebody who has been hurt from what I've seen.

I didn't want to admit to being wrong. I told myself I needed to be more patient and more understanding. I told myself I was too independent and too selfish. I told myself I needed to see H's side of things. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

Um, no. In a normal relationship, that is exactly what you would do. Try to see the other person's side of things! It's how we get over, under, around issues that come up. It's how a relationship works.

Yes I could have been stingy and mean and vindictive. Lord knows I have every reason to be. But I decided I am not going to let this divorce or the way H has treated me define who I am.

YES!! YES!! YES!! That is exactly what I've been wanting to see you write.


Look WH. You need to do what you need to do when you need to do it. You need to take care of and protect your kids in the best way you can. Be aware of the right thing vs. just your way of doing them. Like you always have. But there is no need to overthink it anymore. Try something new and go with your instinct and once you've (only) double-checked your thoughts on the matter, go with them. Stop tip-toeing around your ex. You are not going to win him over. You are not going to get him to be a rational person and get him to co-parent. He's not capable at this time in history. He may never be.

You work on being the authentic you and the mother that you are. Let the rest fall to the floor. It'll be better for all concerned and a lot less stress on you. Be the first on your block to be back to normal and you and your kids will reap huge benefits from it.

I know you want to be whole more quickly. You want this behind you faster. You're getting there. He won't be gone from your life, so you're reformulating yourself to be whole without him, despite him being in the way. That's the longer path, but it really is a solid game plan. And it will work out much more quickly if you drop some of the "extras" where you can. The extras are the things you can't control. If you do that, you can put more into the things you can control. And only you know which is which, right?

Hope you're feeling better and done with the colds and such. Been a long season....

AJ