Spouse tried I didn't, now opposite

[whytry]

Went to church by myself toda .... Kids stayed the night out of town at cousins. Probably good for me so I had time to reflect on me in a safe environment. Several members of the church know my troubles and are nice enough to offer encouragement and smiles so I don't feel as out of place. Got to stay over and have friendly conversation with new/old friends and it helped relax me. Called spouse on way out to see if they wanted to go to lunch. Completely shocked when they agreed so I went to house so we could go together. Ok until we walked in the door to see people we are both friends with that attend same church. They offered to have us sit with them but spouse wanted to sit in other room away from them. We did. Spouse was annoyed that they look bad staying home sleeping while I'm showing everyone a "nice" person and is gunna have to talk with our friends so they'll no the truth why they are leaving. I said I understood but almost cried knowing they were right. I told spouse that they know them and have enough respect for them not to think that but spouse didn't seem to agree. Lunch did go good though and they did mention that my outside does match my inside now so it was everything I could do not to cry. I called other restaurant after we were done to see if they have a special pie spouse likes and when we left we went and got them a slice and went home. Now since kids are gone I'm in one room they are in the other. Probably won't be in contact with spouse the rest of the day. All I can do is cry to myself why spouse can compliment me and see changes and acknowledge I'm improving but still not love me.