I started by seeing if she agreed that when she had income, she should contribute to household expenses. W kept trying to dodge saying she had no income. I said this is a model for future when you do. I showed her 3 web articles describing the plan. She still doesn't buy any of it, wants single account.
I told her we're living paycheck to paycheck; she still doesn't understand why "I'm turning the screws" and not paying her CC balance in full every month.
This turned into about a two hour conversation of grievances. Again, she was angry, we nobody was screaming. I validated a lot of what she said. I called her on some of the "because you think x" stuff, asking only that she not assume how I thought or felt without asking, but validated that she felt how she felt.
I stayed clear of A and OM, which was tough, since she wanted to get into a "I always tell you where I'm going" line. (She asked where I went yesterday when I went out on errands. I had simply replied "Out.") I suggested that she really didn't want to go down that path.
She again said that I thought that this could easily be fixed; I told her it would take a lot of time and hard work. She very sarcastically said "ok sign us up for MC". I said I didn't think we were ready yet.
I asked her what she wanted to do. She said "we can just muddle along like we have for the last 18 years". (trying to buy time) I said we couldn't do that; we both know things have changed.
We left it at that last night. She vented, that's about all I can say. The only good from these conversations is picking up what she thinks you did wrong. Otherwise, if you either validate or don't validate what she says, both just confirm her decision to leave.
This morning, she demanded to see the last year of bank statements. She thinks I'm hiding something. There's nothing to hide, but I don't want our personal finances discussed among her girlfriends either. Even if I go through it with her, it's not going to do any good; she'll misinterpret that as badly as a "shared expense account".
She is so gone. "I'm finally awake and not taking it anymore." Time alone will not fix this. In my estimation, nothing is going to fix this.
The first step of my plan has to be to get hard evidence of A. It at least helps me in D negotiations. Maybe it disrupts her plan A.
