I think the hardest thing to do is NOT try to understand why.... I know that is the hardest thing for me, along with being alone. I HATE being alone and knowing that he has her for company every minute (in person or call/text whenever he wants) kills me. I wish you were close enough to hang out together and give each other company while the husbands make these huge mistakes they can't seem to stop themselves from.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
exactly stomping on my heart every day.. I have the same questions.. How can he think like that feel like that..look at me and lie describe how I am feeling as "probably not well!"
I have figured the alternative is a realization that he is WRONG,SLIMEY all those things he thought about other men..so that does not sit well so better to create a lie and believe it than destroy his self concept..
and we will not change that..in them they have to see that themselves..and that is going to hurt.. I am with you on the thoughts always appearing..even teaching 20 6th graders about adjectival clauses the sadness and loss would suddenly hit. I found what helps a bit is to say.. this is mind reading and keeping telling myself.. or this will not help.. sometimes it helps not always sometimes nothing helps..
I have that bookmarked on my phone and read it every day, sometimes more than once a day
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Dev, I caught up on your sitch just yesterday. We are facing some of the same issues re: co-sleeping and nursing AND dealing with what appears to be "emotional setbacks" with our spouses due to cutting out the cake-eating. Sigh. I'll be keeping up with you and will drop by and say hello if/when I can add anything valuable. You do the same. Hang in there!!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
H hung out with the kids all day yesterday. He asked me if I could talk later. I told him it depended on what he wanted to talk about. He mentioned L. And I politely said no.
Later, however, he told me that one day last week he told OW that he had to come home. And she cried and "was all f***ed up about it." And H said he decided that if he were to work on our M and eventually come back home, it would be "out of convenience, just like last time." And he says he's afraid he'd end up right where he is right now again sometime down the road. I felt like somebody sucker-punched me in my gut. But I just thanked him for telling me. I couldn't think of anything else to say that would come out "right."
I'm HOPING this is just more of him "rewriting marital history." Because that hurt.
Convenience? Ouch.
I mean, I remember when he came home last time. I remember holding him as he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I think of all I had to swallow for him to come back and live with me. All I had to fight for. And he's calling that "convenience" for himself now?
I don't know - nor can I guess - what's going on in his relationship with OW, but he went on to say that although he has been assuming full responsibility for the A all along, he's finally willing to acknowledge that "she didn't have to call (him) back." He also mentioned how volatile things are between her and OH right now.
That's the short version. He cried a little. He thanked me for loving him unconditionally for so long.
I'm happy it's Monday and I have another few days to breathe and work on myself before he picks up the kids again. I mean, I feel okay. I'm not beside myself or anything. I'm just wondering if this is a mountain I'm prepared to climb when I can't even prepare myself for these little conversations.
One of H's friends stopped by unannounced Saturday to bring back a tool that H had let him borrow. I told him H doesn't live here anymore. He was stunned to say the least. Said he talked to H last week, and he didn't mention a thing about it. He has worked with H at several jobs over the years and was around the first time this happened in 2005. He was SO mad to find out that this has happened again. He told me I don't deserve it, especially after everything I went through for H last time. He gave me so many assurances. And I don't know why - maybe because he's watched it? Maybe because he knows H so well? Maybe because it's a male perspective? - but it made me feel so much more at peace with where I am. He made me self-reflect and realize that while, yes, I could have done a better job at meeting H's emotional needs, I was a good W to him. I left that conversation knowing I really am a prize. And H is the one who really needs to sort out himself and his feelings. I'll be okay - maybe even better - after this situation. It doesn't make it any less painful or confusing now. But one day, if I lose my H this time, I'll know that I deserved so much better.
But for right now, it's just painful. The conversation with H threw me for an unexpected loop. I just don't know what to say or do. I feel like such an amateur.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
He gave me so many assurances. And I don't know why - maybe because he's watched it? Maybe because he knows H so well? Maybe because it's a male perspective? - but it made me feel so much more at peace with where I am.
Or maybe God Himself sent that man to you, to encourage you and validate you. I noticed many times during the darkest times of my sitch, that God would send someone across my path that day who was EXACTLY what I needed at that time.
I'm glad you were encouraged -- you're a good woman, Train, and you DON'T deserve this.
I was a good W to him. I left that conversation knowing I really am a prize. I'll be okay - maybe even better - after this situation. It doesn't make it any less painful or confusing now. I deserved so much better. [/quote]
Hold on to those words. You are a good wife. You've offered forgiveness for one of the most devastating acts of betrayal. You've tried to be understanding and show love, kindness and strength for your children while trying to hold back your own tears. Yes, it's painful but you're much stronger than you think. Time for H to take notice of your strength.
Hugs ...