Wife moved out to be with her Tour Guide Lover

[MrBond]

This part stood out the most..."I put a pillow near her face. I scared the [censored] out of myself, she remembers me smothering her I do not remember this. Then a few weeks later same scenario, she told me I was disgusting (i am not I am in incredible physical shape), She kneed me in my little boys. It hurt I raged and put my hands on her neck. I stopped myself balled like a baby went for help."

There is NEVER a good reason to physically harm someone. THAT is in your control. It doesn't matter how much the person is arguing with you. THEY do not control your actions. YOU do. It's ironic how much you call the OM a POS when those actions of yours would have made anyone think that you were a POS.

"Is this hopeless?"

No. However the first thing you need to do is to stop building up so much resentment against her. I mean from the way you described her, you make her sound like a total b*tch. Who would want to stay married to that?

she says at that point she decided we were done.Her soul went numb.

Then she started this friendship with this Womanizer and the rest is history.

Since January of 2012 all that has happened is a rare argument. She says I would figure out she was with the POS and circle talk her, just beg and reason and attack where she felt cornered. And when she was really sick one time mostly from guilt we were in the car and I just lectured her for an hour about her stupid POS.

She also claims I made fun of her boyfriend and their relationship.

I have been in counseling for two years, MC,IC and collaborative divorce coach 2 woman and a man, all say that I am a good guy, non violent , but she pushed to the point where I was not myself. she was poison to me and others. And that I tried to hard. They also said I will never ever do anything like this again. She told them that about three years ago I pushed her head towards the toilet. they got her to admit that she tossed the cat litter full of cat crap at me and told me she was done forever.
Based on their discussions with her, they said she is mean to me, does not respect me and blames me for everything.

They all agree that I crossed the line and over reacted, but they could see how she can bring out the worst in me. And probably will not last in any relationship she has."

[Oxford1]

Mr. Bond
I have repented over and over about my ills. I love this woman with every inch of my being. I tear up as I type this. The thing is so many people have told her that I am a bad guy bases on her version of events. It is horrible what happened. The reason I call him a POS is because he presumed her even while she was married I heard her call him and tell him to leave her alone until after we were divorced. What did he do he showed up unannounced and surprised her. I know she did not have to go to him, but he is such a Casanova.

Now she is going to a fancy dinner with him tomorrow night, all things we had planned to do.

I do know she plans on moving home after Aprul 15. So if I am so evil why would she move back home?

How am I supposed to handle her? I keep hearing to do the 180 but it is hard when there is a kid involved and even harder that I am so addicted to her.

I my be making her out to be a bitch but you know what I love that part if her.

[Oxford1]

When can I move to a different forum this forum seems pretty lonely?

[MrBond]

"I have repented over and over about my ills."

That repentance is how you feel that you've forgiven yourself. But evidently your W didn't.

"I know she did not have to go to him, but he is such a Casanova."

But to be honest, if she wanted to be with you she wouldn't have even entertained the thought of going with him.

"I do know she plans on moving home after Aprul 15. So if I am so evil why would she move back home?"

That's what you don't understand. You're not "evil". She just chooses not to be with you right now. Because you share kids together and are married, right now she sees it as a shackle. And again, that's just the way she feels right now.

What you can do right now is to write down the things that used to make her family both things that you did alone and things you did as a family. Slowly work those things in. Continue to go and have fun with you son and do things that she never would have wanted to do.

"How am I supposed to handle her? I keep hearing to do the 180 but it is hard when there is a kid involved and even harder that I am so addicted to her."

It's not hard with a kid at all. I mean I have two kids and was able to detach. You can do it. Just lose the ego and read up on how couples communicate. Use this time to become a student of your W. See what patterns you may be missing.

[Oxford1]

Where I get confused is that some of the Save the Marriage type advisers tell you to not loose contact and connection. Then on TAM and MA they attack you for any type of contact what so ever.

Then you see some of the videos and I get confused.

so when the WAW who is in the OM room living with him communicates me what am I supposed to do?

For example she has an injured shoulder and she tells me about it, what do I do?

When she tells me she has an early morning Fair tomorrow and needs help, do I help, she does not want others to see her POS because she has not told to many people.

I mean UGH!!!

[MrBond]

What's TAM? I'm assuming MA is Marriage Advocates. I know that they're much more aggressive in their suggestions. But the basic DB principle is to "do what works". Think of it like a science experiment. You just stop continuing doing what gets a negative reaction. If you don't get the result you want, you change your plan.

[Oxford1]

Its another board that I was reading.

It was helpful, but its very aggressive. Its where I pretty much got the idea to throw her under the bus early on.

I much prefer the loving soft approach.

My question is do I or do I not respond to her texts. Do I go dark. Do I cut her off.

I just am very confused.

I have been warned that I might be supporting her affair by not going hard 180 on her.

We are planning on an in-home separation how can I cut her out completely and utterly.

She says that once her OM leaves she wants to do things with me like a good friend. Is this good bad..you see I am so confused!!

[artsy]

Oxford, I am not a vet or an expert but you need to realize she will continue as long as you let her. You're her "plan B" right now.

I think DR says you are at the LRT, which is definitely hard 180 time. Some would suggest NC, but really it will depend on your sitch. I'm not sure how/if you could even pull that off living under the same roof with children.

Yours is a difficult spot, for sure. Just hang in there and try not to get frustrated if people don't respond immediately. You will get amazing support here, and if someone sees you going down the wrong path, they'll let you know. If you are open to the suggestions, you will see a change in yourself long before there's a change in your M.

Hang in there!

[MrBond]

Rather than throwing her under the bus, you need to establish personal boundaries. Tell her that as long as she is seeing the OM, she cannot stay with you and your son. She has to hit rock bottom on her own.

[Oxford1]

We may have to live together because of financial reasons so I don't have to sell the house yet. Kind of [censored]!

Anyway the triggers are killing me. I had a nice time at the movies,with my son, but then I start remembering how,we all enjoyed the movies,together.

The worst were the scene that take place on the potomic River. My WAW was supposed to be on Flight 90 from Washington to Fort Laurdale but instead of going to DC for a few days and then Florida, she decided to exchange her ticket and her girlfriends to a direct flight from LaGuardia!

I almost,lost her tragically on Jan 13, 1982.

Then when she was,in Florida she admitted she met a guy and they hung out and made out. I mean we were only dating six months but I remember that crazy time!