Upwards - DB myself to happiness! #2

[Upwards]

"My anger is about his complete refusal to take responsibility for his life & make some decisions about what he wants - he just ignores"

That's control. You WANT him to do something that is not within your control.

MrBond your fab at this DB malarky so any input you have i'm all ears, even if it is negative and calling me out on what i'm doing wrong I suppose it could be looked at as controlling, I hadnt looked at it like that and it wasnt my intention at all.

Anger is probably the wrong word frustration is probably closer to how I felt. His life is his business but when it affects me & the kids I struggle not to let it affect me, I am getting better at it (honest!!), yesterday was a one off & I haven't acted out like that in a long long time.

He actually thanked me for the kick up the butt & said he needed it although i'm very aware that isnt my place and he needs to figure these things out himself without me.

[MrBond]

It's not really malarky. After awhile you get to see how to communicate better not only with your spouse but with others as well.

We've seen many situations come and go on here and despite them all being different, there are similarities.

[Upwards]

Yeh it's made me realise how much the dynamics of any relationship can change if I simply change my actions or the way I say something, each time I move positions my H shifts with me. It's also made me more aware of how I interact with others around me.

Best of all though I'm learning soooo much about myself, it's an enlightening experience & my aim is to come through this as a more grounded, peaceful person. I'm working hard to identify why I feel/act/react in the ways that I do and trying to deal with the core issues so I don't bring these forward to future relationships.

[Upwards]

Well another twist in the road - he said he was going NC with OW but then hasn't blocked her number or anything so as soon as she text him he's rang her... he's also said he doesn't want to delete her number as its only temporary so he's clearly no intention of it being long term and it was just to pacify me I think.

We were getting on so well and made lots of progress this past week then now it feels like we're going a million miles backwards I know he needs to figure this one out himself and the only way he can do that is with me out of the picture, its gunna be really hard but I have to do it for my own sake as I cant keep doing this dance with him.

Am I best going NC with him again & leave him to it?

[Breakdown]

Well another twist in the road - he said he was going NC with OW but then hasn't blocked her number or anything so as soon as she text him he's rang her... he's also said he doesn't want to delete her number as its only temporary so he's clearly no intention of it being long term and it was just to pacify me I think.

What did you expect? He said he needed time...when you decided he'd had enough time, you applied pressure. He's not ready, so he did what he needed to to keep you where he wanted.

A while back you said you wanted it to be HIS choice....did you let him make that choice?

When you let him slide back into your bed, did you attach some expectations to that?

His timeline is not going to be the same as yours. He's not going to do it the way you want him to. You can't control him. But, you have complete control of you. If you decide you need to be NC with your H while he's involved with OW, then you do that. You don't have to tell him anything...you've told him plenty. Just take the action and protect yourself.

If you keep letting him slide in and out, he will continue to do so....again, they all make excuses to NOT kill the A completely. They want that door ever so slightly open. It's a safety net.

[Upwards]

What did you expect? He said he needed time...when you decided he'd had enough time, you applied pressure. He's not ready, so he did what he needed to to keep you where he wanted.

He never asked for time, he said all along he WANTED to cut contact with her (he said this before I even brought it up) and it was what he NEEDED to for himself. I just decided I needed to take action for myself as I knew it was affecting me negatively, how else should I have handled it? I was trying to protect myself not put on pressure. I never asked for a decision or for him to make a choice, I told him I was cutting contact because of this boundary and he begged me not to and said he'd cut contact with her.

A while back you said you wanted it to be HIS choice....did you let him make that choice?

I really do what it to be his choice & he said it is his choice, as I said above I just told him I was enforcing my boundary and he begged me not to cut contact and that he'd go NC with OW. I told him not to do it if it wasnt what he wanted. He's still adimant that its what he wants and that he didnt realise that I meant to block her number but he can see now why he would need to do that.

When you let him slide back into your bed, did you attach some expectations to that?

No expectations attached to that at all, I wouldn't have done it otherwise.

His timeline is not going to be the same as yours. He's not going to do it the way you want him to. You can't control him. But, you have complete control of you.

I realise this & thats why I said a couple of days ago I was going NC with him to give him the space and if he decided to end things with OW then we can talk but until then I cant have contact with him.

If you decide you need to be NC with your H while he's involved with OW, then you do that. You don't have to tell him anything...you've told him plenty. Just take the action and protect yourself.

Yes i'm going NC after he drops the kids today, its not possible to be completely NC long term because of the kids/business but I can do it for a couple of weeks to give me some space.

We've both agreed on 2 weeks NC then we'll come back together as it wont work for longer with the business (kid are a bit easier to arrange).Problem is that he said he's going to block her number etc now, do I just leave him to it until he shows me proof of that or just completely go NC/LC anyway?

[Upwards]

Thought this was a good time to start a new thread:
Upwards - Moving Fowards, Tiny Positive Steps

Hope to see you there always in need of your fab advice!