WAW seems confused

[AnotherStander]

Now, she just told me one of the girls is having a bday and she will be having a slumber party this saturday with her two girls. She has never done this. On all 13 years she has been focused on our family, not regressing as if she was 20 back again. Her language and behavior is changing as she is trying to act like them (so it seems). She does have friends who are happily married and her age but does not frequent them often and I've seen she acting completely different around her girlfriends who are around our age. Thoughts?

It's all part of her journey, a journey that you can't help her with, or speed up. You can slow her journey down by trying to intervene though. Leave her to her journey while you work on yourself and make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave.

Additionally, the same OM she was friendly back in Jan 2013 is back. I noticed she is texting him quite a bit. Not romantic, but a lot of friendly communication. To add things up, both those girls do like the OM. He is 23! -- This guy lives 1.5 hrs from were we are and posts on FB being out with girls all the time. So, I don't know if he is just leading her on by responding (and she is of course the one initiating texts) or he is just seeing an opportunity because of our situation. BTW, the OM used to work for me and knows me. I even contemplated talking to him since they aren't romantic or anything but my gut feeling tells me not to do anything.

Quit focusing on your W and everything she says/ does and what it means. It's all outside of your control. Detach, GAL, focus on you and the kids. Don't talk to the OM, it will hurt your sitch. Your W will see you as being controlling/ manipulative when she finds out.

[ManHope]

Ok. Makes sense. I won't do anything about her sort of midlife crisis (I guess women do get this as well as I feel this is kinda what she reverting to)

I have set two goals for next week:

- I will join a singing and drumming class at church. This will give me some time for me. I
- I can certainly work in increasing my income. I am positive that in the next two months I can cover more than enough to have her either stay at home or just get a part time job that will take her stress away. Now, my only concern is that she may just take the opportunity to plan her exit faster but either way, I may be doing the right thing by showing her I can support our needs. I must add that in years past, her dream was to be a stay home mom or just to have a part time job.

[ManHope]

Let me know what you think about the other changes I am doing.

[Bunches]

Personally, if you want to bring in more income and have a way of doing it that's great for you. But is it really a good idea to do it for her stress levels? That sounds like pursuing and having expectations. Forgive me if reading it wrong, I haven't read the whole thread.

[ManHope]

So we discussed financials and I suggested to her it will be nice for her to take a couple of months off maybe during the summer before starting a new possible teaching job in Sept. Her current job is stressful, long hrs, not much pay and sometimes weekend work.
At first she told me she wasn't going to be a stay at home mom, specially knowing that we are about to divorce. Then I told her all I wanted is to let her know we can afford for her to take a mini vacation to reduce stress levels, not seeing the kids too much, etc... and just relax for a couple of months (wether we are headed in that direction or not). She then seemed to like the idea and said she was going to think about it.
I know her main stress points (besides our M) deal with not having enough time for self development, time with the kids and the job. I believe is really hard for me to DB when she is angry and bitter most of the time. Ex: If I go see my child at her school and she finds out, she resents that I saw her while she is working. I feel this may be because she feels she is in the situation she is in now because of me. I think, wether we stay together or not, her taking a long vacation from work will benefit her mentally and it may be better for both of us wether she considers making up then or not.

About our R, she did mention to me she is still battling bitterness and trying to forgive me for all the times I focused on other things rather than her (work for the most part). She did say she hopes we can be friends (specially because of the kids) and she knows that can never happen if she keeps the bitterness. So she affirmed she has to overcome this.

Now for what I can tell, it is way though to try and reconcile with a bitter spouse. Deep inside of me I know she is rushing in to a D and that if she wasn't holding grudges or bitterness, reconciliation could be placed on the radar (even a little). Any ideas on how to deal with a bitter spouse?

For now I keep on showing love without being romantic. Today we did house chores all day and talked a little. It was a nice day overall. My thought is: "be patient, continue praying and just be nice" - Specially since it has been over 1.5 months since the last time we had a heated discussion about our M where I asked for forgiveness, and, even though we have been separated since nov 2013, I really didn't see her opening up until mid february.

[ManHope]

So I asked her if I can massage her feet (she works on her feet most of the day) and she said it was ok. I haven't touched her like this in over two months. We had an ok conversation about her work and she seemed to like the gesture.

It seems time does cure bitterness. A month and a half ago I couldn't picture myself getting close.

[ManHope]

What do you guys think on the topic of physical touch?
My WAW does allow me to massage her feet/legs every other day or so.
I noticed that while I am doing it, she not only relaxes but it seems we are able to have small talk about miscellaneous stuff, in a very soft, calm manner (not on guard as she usually is during the day).

[stumps]

What do you guys think on the topic of physical touch?
My WAW does allow me to massage her feet/legs every other day or so.
I noticed that while I am doing it, she not only relaxes but it seems we are able to have small talk about miscellaneous stuff, in a very soft, calm manner (not on guard as she usually is during the day).

I am eagerly awaiting any replies you get to this question because I have the same question/dynamic in my marriage. I was told a while back that if it builds up good will and is welcomed, stick with it.

[sandi2]

No intimate touching. Only small non-sexual touches that you would give a sister. No trying to hold her hand or touching her bottom, etc. In time, if she doesn't reject non-sexual touches, you can try brief hugs when leaving for work.

But you must take baby steps to these touches. Don't start all at once. If you go too fast, she will likely stop it all. You see, it seems that when a WAW gives one little inch, the LBH gets in a big hurry and wants to push to the next level. To her, he appears to be getting his hopes up.....and she doesn't want him getting the idea everything is fine.
And remember, she considers herself S from you.

If PT is her LL, and if you start with non-sexual touches, and if you won't rush her........then some day, she may be ready for more.

[ManHope]

Thank Sandi2.
Her primary LL is QT and her secondary LL is PT.
Being that QT is the primary, it is hard to fulfill while S. Now, PT through the massages she lets me do seem to allow for some calm conversation, which I guess accounts for QT, right? I gotta say that sometimes she is quiet while I am massaging her.