I learned what I think is an important lesson today.
First, a bit of context: my H usually has an overnight business trip once a month (just one night away). I usually attend two out-of-town weeklong conferences per year. Other than that, there are a handful of nights a year that each of us is away for some reason (like me traveling to be at the hospital when my dad had surgery, for example). Whenever this occurs, our standard practice has been for the person who is traveling to call around bedtime to wish D7 goodnight and say prayers with her. We've both excused ourselves from business dinners to spend a few minutes on the phone for this. About a year and a half ago, H was on an overnight business trip. We got into an argument over something (I don't even remember the issue now). That night at bedtime, he did not call and I did not call him. This is not the first time that had happened. I didn't even think of it. H called about an hour after bedtime when D7 was already asleep and was furious that I had not called him. He assumed it was because of the argument. It honestly wasn't. I just had a rough time getting her in bed that night. He said some pretty mean things, including that he would never forgive me. After that night, it was never brought up again. Since then, I've been pretty cognizant of making sure that D7 and I call him even if he misses the bedtime call.
As I've posted, H is out of the state for six days because of a death in his family. He texted on Thursday after he landed and said that he would call later. When I put D7 to bed around 8:30, I struggled with whether I should call him or not because of past history surrounding this issue. I finally decided to give D7 the phone and let her call her dad. She did, but he did not answer. She left him a VM. About 15 minutes later, H called and asked if D7 was still awake. I checked her bedroom and she was, so they talked for a few minutes. Last night, D7 was up late. When she went to bed at 9:30, H had not called again. I asked her if she wanted to call and she said that she did. She called and he did not answer. Before she realized that the VM had started recording, she said, "Daddy never answers when we call." She then asked me if he could hear what she said and I told her that he could. She didn't seem bothered by that at all. The rest of her message was normal stuff.
Around 1 am, I received a text from H saying he had just gotten to where he could charge his phone and would call in the morning. (That means that he was out partying with his brother for the second night in a row instead of comforting his mother like he said he would be, but that isn't my sandbox, so I'm trying not to think about that.) This morning, H called twice while I was still asleep and then texted asking if we were awake yet. About 30 minutes after his first call, we woke up and I gave the phone to D7 so she could call him. She always talks to people on speakerphone because she doesn't like holding the phone to her ear, so I heard their entire conversation. H apologized for missing her call last night. She said, in a very matter-of-fact manner, that he never answers when we call. H told her that his phone was dead and she said he needed to a better job of remembering to charge it. They talked for a few more minutes and then he asked to talk to me. He complained about having forgotten to pack some stuff and then told me when the funeral was today. I just told him that my thoughts were with his family. There was no tension in the conversation at all.
So, my lesson--if I give D7 some space, she'll let H know exactly what she needs from him. She doesn't need me to interfere. I was so proud of her for calmly calling H out on his behavior that bothered her.
On a semi-related note, in both of D7's VMs, she has said, "Hi, Daddy. I love you and Mommy loves you, too." I've never noticed her saying this before. I wonder if she's picked up on the fact that H and I don't say it to each other anymore.
Does anyone think I'm not handling the bedtime phone calls correctly? It was the least pressuring solution I could think of that still considered D7's routine, but I'm open to advice.
