Spouse tried I didn't, now opposite

[whytry]

Now my mindset

I truly love my spouse and have searched what memories I have of why. Going back to when we met, I had nothing. Spouse took care of me. Gave me hope, shared their dreams, loved me unconditionally. Spouse would give me a huge bear hug and if before now I would have even stepped close enough to touch they would have grabbed me up, wrapped their arms around me and held me tight as they could. Now spouse recoils if I get within 2 feet. This hurts because I know I caused it. I never was strong enough to tell spouse how I felt before and now when I do I know it looks fake. The last few months I keep seeing how amazing my spouse is. What they have accomplished professionally and personally, what my feelings truly are and why. I am still afraid of the verbal abuse that has come with me trying to talk and am keeping hope that it is just a mechanism to stay distant so that when they file it won't seem like we have feelings for each other. I have trouble expressing that I finally see spouse for who they really are and not the made up impression I've kept for so long while I hated myself. I dream of the day I can stand up and say what I feel without ridicule and negative language. The feelings are so new to me I can't process all at once so I hug and love on kids as an outlet for my affection so I don't explode inside. Does any of this make sense. Before V-day, my spouse would have died before breaking their vows but now I was told not to wear my ring anymore. I'm so lost and can't stay bottled up like this forever. How can just a few weeks make someone so emotionally DONE that the thought of trying physically disgusts them?

I really like a lot of the advice I've been reading that JOB and MileHigh and others have given, but I haven't found this unique scenario yet.