Okay, here goes

[FindingPatience]

I've been reading on here for a while, but this is my first post about my story.

I believe my H is in MLC. His mother died 6 years ago and his younger brother died 3 years ago. He never really grieved his mother and became increasingly unhappy since she passed. A few years back he was so unhappy that I was concerned he might leave me. I asked him to go to MC. We went, and worked through all the functional issues and past hurts that he brought up. He had a number of issues with sex, not feeling attractive or worthy, despite the fact that I usually initiated. I knew that we had to fix that, but didn't know how and our MC was generally uncomfortable on that topic. We started talking openly between each other and he told me that he had fantasies about other women. I was his first girlfriend. He never even dated anyone else. He was not my first relationship or partner. I validated that fantasies were normal and we used conversations on that topic to spice things up. Things became very good between us. We were communicating better than ever. He seemed very happy and the sex was amazing. Unfortunately, I was blind to what was happening. We continued down that path until he convinced me to let him stray a bit. He said our love was strong, but that this was something he needed to do to learn about himself and feel like a whole person. He had friends who had an open marriage and they still adored each other very much, so I agreed given health precautions and with the understanding that he would be honest (with me and a potential partner), discreet and thoughtful of my feelings. I'm not sure how I managed to get to the point that I was agreeing to this arrangement - I regret it and ask you not to judge me too harshly. Fast forward to what is clear in hindsight. He fell in love and became completely irrational. Suddenly he's telling me that he wasn't really ever happy. His drinking went from a daily beer to unwind to anxiety medication. The OW he choose said she was okay with the arrangement, but started working on splitting him away from me and my kids. After a few months of constant anxiety on my part and losing 20 pounds, I found DR and this board. I didn't post because I felt that the going sentiment would be that I got what I deserved in agreeing to it. In reading the stories and advice given to others here, I slowly got back on my feet. I told my H that this wasn't healthy for me and that I needed space. I asked him to move out. He said he still loved me and didn't want to, but he wasn't willing to place any boundaries on the OW. He was spending an incredible amount of money, so I also asked him to come to mediation to work on a legal separation. I still love him dearly, but I'm happier and my kids are happier with the separation in place. I struggle with guilt in thinking that I'm the WAW. I want my family to be whole, but not at the expense of my self worth. He is clearly on the roller coaster and at times he admits he misses me. That makes me scared. I don't want to give up on him, but I'm scared of him jumping back only to continue to be unhappy and leave again. At this point I'm trying to be friendly. I'm trying to protect myself and my kids financially. I'm detaching while trying to keep my heart open.