MLC @ 29yrs - What stage is my H at?

[Upwards]

Until recently I assumed my H was a WAS due to his age, he’s 29 so I didn’t think MLC could be the cause but I’ve been doing a lot of reading & research and have realised that this has been going on a lot longer than I first thought.

When I’ve thought back I believe this started around mid 2010-2011 after our second son was born and H got a new job and became unhappy there, he began searching for happiness with various hobbies, obsessions, sports and his behaviour was irratic at times but wasn’t too much of an issue/problem at the time, I just thought he was going through a funny stage. I’m wondering if after he came out rehab last year he began to move into stage 2 of acceptance but then got frightened & overwhelmed with the extent of what he’d caused so ran back into the dreaded tunnel because this time he seems to be moving forwards a lot quicker with thing so could this be him going back and closing those doors and is he still early on?

If anyone could read my brief story I’d love an idea on where abouts he may be so I can look at how to best support him whilst protecting myself. I know it's really hard to say without knowing the full picture but any help would be great.


Early 2012
In early 2012 he began to express his unhappiness with life, said a lot of times that “life seems pointless” and that “his life feels like it's going nowhere” etc where as on paper he had everything any man would dream of. He had always enjoyed drinking but during this time his drinking became heavier and he would sit drinking on his own most weekends, sometimes during the week and this began to cause issues in our relationship – he was in denial.

Sept 2012
I discovered he had become infatuated with a girl at work (way out of his league & she was uninterested in him), I discovered this after logging into his Facebook account whilst he was away as he’d been distant for a couple of months and my gut was telling me his interests were elsewhere. When I confronted him he told me ILYBINILWY and when he arrived home he moved to his parents. 2 weeks later he came home & said he had been stupid and made a huge mistake, things were good for a short while but quickly things began to go downhill again. His drinking was spiralling out of control, I pushed for him to get help & he would cut down for a bit then it would creep back up.

January 2013
His drinking was very excessive and I also discovered that he was taking cocaine, I wasn’t aware of how much at the time. By this stage I was very unhappy living with an addict who only cared about himself – he was severely depressed and struggling with anxiety too so I stood by him in the hope that things would improve as he was seeking help for his addictions and mental health problems.

March 2013
He left his job as he couldn’t cope anymore, we decided he would take some time off then become self-employed so his workload could be less & more flexible.

August 2013
I discovered the full extent of his drinking/drug addictions, he had been stealing from our joint money for months and had created thousands of pounds worth of debt. I reached my limit and asked him to leave, we signed a separation agreement and he moved permanently into his parents. At this time I felt no love for him & believed that we would divorce, I didn’t want to be married to a lying, deceitful & controlling addict.

October 2013
After H really spiralled out of control, he was like a complete stranger and acted totally crazily. He stopped seeing his kids, he stopped providing for us even though he knew I could survive without his financial input, he was cruel and horrible, all he cared about was going out with his new “friends” and getting hammered 24/7, he continued to steal any money from our business to fund his habits. Eventually he hit his rock bottom and signed himself into rehab – a huge turning point.

November 2013
He came out of rehab a new man, wanting to build my trust and begging me for another chance as he loved me with all his heart and wanted us to be a family again. I agreed to “see what happened” but at the time I felt no love for him and couldn’t see how we could ever rebuild things, slowly as he proved himself and built my trust my feelings began to come back. Sadly because we didn’t seek the help we should have we fell back into the same R patterns (resentments etc).

January 2014
H dropped bomb number 2 – before this he had become distant and I’d noticed him backing away from me, he became overwhelmed and ran back into the safety of his “tunnel”. He was acting out in the same ways he had when he was taking drugs/drinking but without the substances, he became cruel/heartless and rewrote history, everything was my fault, he’d never been happy etc etc. I discovered an EA which led to sex (once) a couple of months later). He was very confused during this time about his feelings and whats going on, painful to see & even harder to hear.

March 2014
Still clean/sober, very proud of him! He began to peep his head back out of the tunnel again, he’s doing a lot of work on himself and is moving forwards emotionally – he’s firmly sitting on the fence and does not want a divorce but also isn’t ready/willing to commit to moving forwards with me. He’s admitted that he wants his family but is terrified, he’s shared that his feelings are changing towards me and that he’s struggling with the guilt from everything he’s caused, he’s very confused still but things seem to be becoming clearer for him slowly.

He’s moved towards me in a huge way, he’s began calling me again and wants to connect again “as friends” and had admitted that he misses me lots and doesn’t want to loose me in his life, he said he’s really enjoying my company again. We’ve ML and he’s been more physical & affectionate, he’s asking how I am and really wants to listen, he’s more caring and considerate. It seems like my H is slowly coming back but a new & improved version of his former self. He’s also ended things with the OW and has cut contact “for now” to see what happens with us.

My main thread is over in "Newcomers" but thought i'd get more specific answers on here as far as where abouts we are in this journey. Thank you