Acceptance...

[Live4myDay]

So I've been sitting back reading reading reading everyone else, but I'm still stuck and treading water. I backed off writing on here I guess fear has gripped me again.
I just crossed my 3 year anniversary. Better this year. Actually all of it is better emotionally.

I had to drop back my work hours from 3 days a week down to 1 full day. Not a big deal but I'm missing the extra money. I'm still just as busy with my D and her daily routine just doing more to make her independent. Just got her learners permit to drive! yeah! She is very independent just a lot of little things that add up especially living together. She can't afford help with these tasks. Maybe someday.

So her life is going very well. She lost almost 30 lbs from last year! Very hard to do as a quadrapalegic. Very proud of her. Me on the other hand have gained probably 30 lbs. Started serious diet and gained from it! Argh! Making adjustments and setting different goals for April...baby steps.

I started a creative workshop. I am an artist and haven't done anything creative in years. It follows the Artist Way book and has been very helpful with tearing down the blockage. I do a lot of affirmations and daily morning pages.

I also decided to get my motorcycle endorsement. I have always wanted to ride. I would point out woman riders to my D all the time and say look at that. Now a days it's not a big thing. Its a 3 day class. Took day one then my grandmother passed away and had to leave for Ohio the next day. So now I'm on stand by to get into another class. Which by the way has changed from a 5 hour class to 8 and this makes it even harder for me to get into since I need to make arrangements for my D. Not sure if this is a challenge for me or a sign to stop and not to proceed any further.

I had to drop out of my Dragon Boat Racing Club as I had to make a decision to become a full member. I was in the process of looking for a place to move within the last 3 months, but that has fallen through so now I should start up the membership again. I really enjoyed getting out on the water.

Dating? Well not really. Had a few encounters with match.com and am now on BON and that's just really not my thing. I don't know since I've gained weight I don't feel very confident anymore.

So YES. I'm doing the GAL, the PMA, the move on. Then why is it I don't know how to handle dealing with the X. I'd rather think of him as dead. I;m a widower than to deal with X and this whole other dynamic of family.

How do I handle this? Meeting the OW...who doesn't think shes the OW that she's come along and saved him.

My son is graduating in May from college and X wants to bring OW of which he's been dating since the D...it was sooner but didn't reveal her to anyone. The families are divided. However, my in-law family has shown another side now especailly since my grandmothers funeral that I had to go home for and embraced me. My family wants nothing to do with X.

X has had OW in the circle now with his family and our friends. Seem to embrace her and his new life. Kills me how even the kids accept it. why am I fighting it? I have it sooo much better being single! Its it jealousy? Not so much with other woman...never been really the jealous type but I am jealous she gets to share the dream job he has now after he and I struggled so long and he when he finally makes it big he's outta here. things they do together that we should be doing as empty nesters...well for him it is... I still have my D to care for which he sees twice a year.

He's a coward. I realize that. Yet recently we had to communicate via email regarding spousal support and he said he's finally come to being ok with it all and is happy and resolved in all that happenend...seriously? Made me mad to think he's ok with everything that he made the right decision. Argh? Can't do anything about that. I still want to punish him everytime.

Anyway, I am trying to be ME again. The person I have always been that he feel in love with. I'm moving on. I'm letting go. I am the person only a FOOL would leave.

Just nervous about seeing him again and meeting OW. Oh and they were in Florida for holidays and when they dropped my D off at home my D made her stay at the park while her dad dropped her off. OW said I don't understand she might as well just meet me now and get if over with. Were just going to have to meet at the graduation. Argh! She doesn't have a clue what he's done...