tld, It takes years for them to recover, if they ever do. Some begin to wake up at 7, 8 or 9 years and others may take longer and then there are those who never ever come out of the crisis mode and are forever lost. They become their mirror image (opposite) of the person you know and love.
I am not a gambling person, but I would venture to bet that if you rocked his boat, the mad hatter would appear quite quickly. Don't like to be challenged and you do not want to come off sounding like his mother. He lies because he knows that you will say something to him about the things he does or wants to do. The best thing you can do is observe and really listen because they do like to talk if they are the center of attention and you'll get more by listening and appearing interested in what they are saying.
Please, watch your finances. It's important that you understand that when they get in the spending mode, they do not care if you have money for food, clothing, utilities or mortgage payments. Why? Because they are singing the mantra "me, me, me" Please do not think for one minute he won't spend the money and run up charges...because they do it. Many come here thinking that their spouses won't do it, but they eventually find out that what we have told them is very true and then it's very late in the game and you are stuck w/being responsible for half the charges, etc.
You may not want a divorce, but it only takes one to file and move forward. Many of these nutty buddies talk about divorce and even go so far as filing, but you end up being the one to do the work. Keep in mind, if he files and drags his feet or you opt to drag your feet, it will cost you quite a bit of money because it could go on for quite some time before the divorce is final.
Always remember, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. He has to fix himself and he will do whatever it is that he must do in order to do so. There is nothing you can do to stop him.
Keep your focus on you, your girls and your finances.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
