HeartsBlessing's - The LBS Journey

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I've just read this FANTASTIC post/article that HeartsBlessing wrote back in 2010 and I found it really inspiring, I think it highlights just how important the LBS's journey is and thought by reposting it that it may help others too.

This an article I wrote today regarding the LBS journey; I've had to think long and hard,drawing on memories of what happened to me from a long time ago.

Hopefully, this will help all of you in whatever stage you may be in. If I've missed anything, kindly point it out, please. smile

I was then, and will always be, an advocate of the journey the LBS has been forced to take; that, quite honestly, is really an OPPORTUNITY for changing themselves into better people than they were before the bomb in MLC hit.

I have taken this same journey..it was a long and hard one for me; so I know it won't be easy for anyone else.
It never is, but it was the BEST thing I could have done for ME.

My husband was deep within the MLC tunnel when my journey began; three months after the "bomb" was dropped on me. It took me that long to "get it". This was about ME, not him. And so my journey began, as an individual,WITHOUT his input or his involvement, and changed ME for a lifetime.....

In that process:

My perspectives changed, how I viewed things changed, I became comfortable with myself, and understood a lot more about myself; was able to accept myself and most of all to love myself as I am, not for what I would want myself
to be. That is true acceptance of self.

I found that most people's opinions really do NOT matter, they can take me or leave me, their choice.
We are all at different places in our journeys, some are ahead, some are behind, but each person is important, and deserves to be helped if needed. We can learn from each other, no one's view is really any better than another's, they are just different, mainly because of the place they are at in their journey, and we learn to respect those differences.

I retained my compassion for people who are hurting, but do not have any tolerance for people who hurt others.
I will back away from people who would try and hurt me, as I WILL protect myself from "toxic" people who would bring down my PMA. I love everybody; but I love myself more, and so, I shield myself, taking NOTHING personally,
regardless of what's said to me in anger or otherwise. I became important to myself, and that is NOT selfishness,
that is self-care; I learned that if I do not take care of myself, no one will do it for me.
I've realized that I cannot save the world, so I do what I can and let the rest go, as I cannot afford to "burn out"

Though I still love my husband, I do not love because I need; I need him because I love him, and will let him go, if he decides not to stay with me anymore at any time; love is "letting go", and I learned that within this journey
of self.....there were many more changes, too many to list here.


Depending upon the issues at hand that are tailored for each person going through, I will NOT cite a time frame, and make the mistake of causing people to think that
it only takes a certain amount of time to get through this necessary journey.
I went through the LBS journey when my husband went through MLC, then I went through a Mid Life Transition
that seemed to prolong my journey through to wholeness. These two journeys went back to back for me.
That does NOT mean that someone else will do the same.

Each person takes this journey as an INDIVIDUAL. There are no right or wrong ways to take this journey.
What's important is that it's taken, in its entirety. The only place you cannot start, is at the end, LOL, as you will not know what the ending is, until you reach it.(A little humor to brighten things up.)

Unfortunately, I don't remember any kind of roadmap to start you out...I've suggested the "Mirror of self-honesty"; it is as good a place to start as any, it will help you to begin seeing yourselves as you really are within.
Being honest with yourself is VERY important; it is the only way to changing whichever areas that need change within you.

Remember, it's NO ONE's place to judge you for what you see and reveal to whomever you choose to use as a sounding board(this is someone you can trust and talk to that can help you put these things into perspective).

Also remember that the answers are contained within YOU, no one can "give" them to you...and if you think you can't find them, well, you just haven't "tapped" them yet.

Above all, don't be afraid..this is not a test where you score for how well you do. You can take as much time as you need to complete this path.
But it must be done.


Attitude is important; don't take this journey in the hopes you'll get your spouse back.
This is for YOU, not them...they should NOT be in the picture you're looking at of
yourself. This is an INDIVIDUAL journey; just as your MLC'er/WAS is on a journey that is all about them, this is all about YOU.

One of the best things in this life, is to come through the journey the LBS spouse takes, learns the lessons of life, fixes the things within that are wrong with THEMSELVES, and come out on the other side, whole, and healed.

They know within themselves in the end, without the shadow of a doubt that they are and will be all right regardless of what their MLC'er does, the marriage comes back together or not, or even the twists and turns that life may take in the future.

Life, when it comes down to it, is nothing BUT one big problem to be solved, and solve it you will, as you live each day of your life. You will, when you come through, carry the tools needed to do this once your journey is completed.

How to get there? That's NOT a one size fits all answer. Each person's journey is different,tailored to the individual themselves...no one can "tell" you what to do; or how to do it.

You just do it, and it starts by looking deep within yourself.....


You've just been bombed; you're lost and afraid. The person you've given your life to, has betrayed you, abandoned you, says they don't love you anymore, or give you the speech of "I Love
you, but am not in love with you". When you ask them why, they tell you they don't know, or blame you with every bad thing they are feeling...and it is hard NOT take them seriously.

You're uncertain what the future will hold, and that is a normal
feeling..but you don't think it's normal. These things should not be happening, you think to yourself.
You want strength, but can't seem to find it. You can't eat, sleep, nor seem to get away from depression.
The fallout is everywhere, there is thick dust you can't seem to see through.

Eventually, you reach out for help as things do not seem to be coming back together as you'd hoped they would.

What you meet is a group of individuals going through the SAME thing; they tell you it's "MLC", it's NOT your fault, and furthermore, begin to try and get you to see that you must go through what you perceive is more pain and suffering; and you don't want that.
You want a "quick fix", you want your life back, you want your spouse to look at you like they used to.

I've got a newsflash for you:
You're NOT going to get that; when your spouse went into the tunnel; your marriage and your life, as you knew and saw it, DIED.
Get it? It's dead, as in not coming back ever again, burned to the ashes, GONE.

All the crying, begging, pleading, clinging, demanding...all destructive behaviors will NOT help to fix anything.
They will only cause MORE damage, as disrespect from the MLC'er will ONLY increase.

One thing you need to worry about as the dust from the fallout settles, is protecting yourself from the MLC'er if he/she is financially irresponsible..you may think this doesn't have anything to do with this journey, but you're wrong.
This is the FIRST thing you DO need to learn..protect yourself from those who would hurt you.
A firmly set boundary in the financial area alone for now, is very important; if you do NOT have money to support yourself and your family, you will go bankrupt, and lose everything material that is necessary.

The MLC'er is NOT going to be responsible, so YOU have to be..formulate a plan, and stick with it; ESPECIALLY if there is an OW/OM involved. Neither needs your money, YOU DO.

The next thing I suggest, if you need to, see a doctor, and get a physical. Why? Because MLC takes its toll on you, and YOU are important..if need be, get some anti-depressants or something of that nature, to calm you down so you can begin to cope with what's happened. Your mind will need to be clear, as when you "get it" you will begin the journey within yourself.

Looking within yourself is one of the HARDEST things anyone can do or ever will do. I can't tell you where to start, as everyone is different, but you can start by looking in the mirror of self-honesty;
UNCOVER that mirror and look hard. Anyone who says they have NEVER made ANY mistakes in their lives is LYING to themselves AND to everyone else who knows and loves them.

Be prepared to "sort" out what you see with someone you trust who understands
what you are doing. A Sounding Board is really important, someone who will be honest, and straightforward; helping you to begin see the areas of change that are needed within you; also they can help you effect those changes, making them permanent.
This is important work on yourself; DON'T NEGLECT IT, don't skip over it, thinking it's not important.

In time, as you progress, you will see yourself as you really are, seeing some VERY hurtful things, things you will NOT like.


Are you still fighting the fact, that you will need to take this necessary introspection after reading this far?
I can tell you something from experience: You're only hurting YOURSELF,not anyone else; this is where the
"Control lesson" one of the MOST important lessons in this life, comes into play.

The only person we can control in this life is OURSELVES, not anyone else. The MLC'er did his/her damage, sure, BUT, you cannot help him/her; accept that you can only help yourself.
That means taking the focus, such as it is, OFF the MLC'er, and putting it on YOU as the important person.

As time passes on, and you learn about YOU, beginning to fix the areas within you that need to be fixed, you will CHANGE. And for the better, NOT worse. You'll gain strength, understanding, confidence, and patience from this walk down the path toward a better YOU.

Read self help books, talk to the people on this board, do more things for yourself. Get a life that's separate from the MLC'er; get on with it..time won't stand still because this has happened; it marches on just like
it always has. Don't waste it in "pity parties" or wishing for the MLC'er to come back, nor spend any more
time grieving than you'll need to in order to accept this major "death" in your life...things have CHANGED, and you'll need to change right along with it.

You'll find, given time, that happiness is NOT found in another person, it is found WITHIN ourselves.

This is a PROCESS, not only a journey; and as you effect the changes within, people WILL see these changes, even the MLC'er that left you behind. Most importantly, they will affect the reactions of others toward you.

Taken properly, in time, it will no longer matter to you if your marriage makes it or doesn't, you'll find that YOU have grown stronger, see more clearly; most of all you'll know within your heart, that you WILL make it, regardless of what happens. If your marriage rebuilds itself, AND the MLC'er makes all the necessary changes
he/she must make as well, it will be a bonus.

You'll find you don't really need another to "complete" you; you'll be complete within yourself, regardless.

And you'll begin to deal on your own terms, as a more mature individual for what you've done within YOU.

This is NOT a "magic pill" designed to solve ALL your problems, but it will help you cope with ongoing problems, not just in the MLC.

This process will take, TIME, you'll suffer PAIN, sometimes you will feel GUILT..other times you will feel
SHAME. Don't run from them, EMBRACE them, as your attitude will be most important. You're not alone, others have gone this same route, walked this same road toward healing, and wholeness.

It is most important that when you accept all the mistakes you've made, make all the necessary changes, that really NEED to be permanent, that you FORGIVE, not only the MLC'er and anyone else who has hurt you, but YOURSELF.

Take each day as it comes, one day at a time, one step at a time,be kind to yourself, you're human, and not immune to making mistakes.

Again, this journey is for YOU, and ONLY YOU.

This is the journey of a lifetime, an opportunity for YOU, take it, and make the most of it.