Take Two ...

[Train]

Kinda a crappy day, emotionally. So I'm venting ...

I'm trying to wrap my brain around people in affairs. From everything I'm reading - and I'm paying special attention to the wayward spouse's perspective - affairs are like addictions. The partners really do feel like they're wildly in love. They become enamored with one another. They feel the other is their "soul mate." They're willing to risk it ALL for that person ... because, obviously, they feel that person is worth losing their marriages and their families and their homes.

What *I* don't understand is this:

If I'm THAT "in love" with someone - if that person is meeting my emotional needs SO well that I feel SO in love with them - then I cannot IMAGINE being physically attracted to someone else ... and ESPECIALLY the person who I blame for making me so miserable that I had little choice but to leave and give up everything. I mean, if I'm "in love" with someone outside of my M, it would stand to reason that I would be pretty repulsed by my spouse. Right?

Why is it, then, that H came here five days ago and was OBVIOUSLY hanging out with me (not just the kids) while we were outside cooking? We were having awesome conversations. I mentioned wanting to go zip-lining. He said he noticed I was looking into that when I apparently left my computer open last week when he had stopped by. He said, "but that's not your thing" because it's "speed and danger." I reminded him I'd mentioned for two years wanting to go on a zip-line trip. And he replied: "Well let's go!" We made a joke about me paying him back for going to grab something at the store, and we laughed, and he hugged me and - like old times - his hand scooted down to pat my rear. I wasn't expecting it, but I figured it was just a force of habit, so I put it out of my mind. He offered to give D2 her bath and even came upstairs while I was bathing her, which is the first time he's been upstairs since he left. He stayed after to watch our favorite TV show, which used to be our "date night." And you all know the rest ... ugh.

I just don't understand. I mean, I GET that spouses can lead double lives during the A. I get that. But once it's exposed, if he's convinced OW is his soul mate and "the one" for him, why is he still clearly physically - and possibly emotionally - attracted to ME at times? I thought I'm the one that makes him "miserable"??? I'm the one he gave up to be with her.

Sorry for the vent. Just for the record, I'm not second-guessing my position to go "soft NC" - and we've kept our 2 or 3 text conversations in the past two days just about the kids and L - so that's good. But I'm feeling mopey today. If anyone has logic to help explain the phenomenon above, I'd love to hear it. I just kind of feel like I'm being sucker-punched in the gut once every 10 minutes today.