I am NO expert but my coach told me it would be ok to say "I don't want a divorce but I won't stand in your way if you do"......... Maybe someone else here can give you better advice but I really hope she means that and is willing.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Thanks Mr Bond, totally the way I'm leaning, and I won't, but it's tough to hear that kind of stuff from third parties.
Twinmom, thanks for your insight! I think she already knows I am willing to work on our relationship, and she knows it's not what I want. If I hadn't mentioned it already when I got sucked into previous relationship discussions, I probably would.
I think that's actually the problem. She thinks she still has me.
Thanks for the comments both of you! Wish me luck! Mantra: only talk about schedule, only talk about schedule, only talk about schedule
So last night when I got home, she was trying to get the kids to sleep. Her night at the house. However, First time in ages that she was trying to put the kids to sleep. My D had been upset earlier, and it appears that they were all having a rough time.
I wrestled with stepping in, and then decided I should not rescue her. However after an hour, she got frustrated. I did offer to help, and she stormed out saying nothing had changed in the house , she still couldn't put the kids to sleep etc. I tried to validate her, but at the same time I was thinking what the heck do you expect, you rarely put them to sleep anymore!
She stormed out, frustrated, and left to her place. I know I'm not supposed to rescue her , and she is not my friend right now . But when the kids are involved it's tough. Part of me wanted to get the kids to sleep because I had stuff to do that night. Dismissing her makes her feel ineffective as a mother, which is one of the things she struggles with right now. In fact, I've realized she needs to do much of her own work to improve herself . That's out of my control.
Still working on accepting that. It's a daily struggle
Although she is not living at the house, we try to be consistent. Whomever is putting them to sleep will read to the kids in bed, and then I will usually sing them to sleep. They all sleep in one bed due to our house size. She used to nurse our youngest until the fall when she stopped that.
After reading, I will then sit at the end of the bed, and I am also working on them falling asleep themselves. However, given the turmoil in our life right now, I give them lots of flexibility. They need the security of me.
Our previous sleeping arrangement was a disaster, with musical beds and often co sleeping. I thought it worked ok at the time, but obviously it created other problems. W and I often were in different beds.
The main issue last night was my D was seeking cuddles, and playing with my W's "milk". Although there is none, that's what she used to do, and she would often fall asleep with them. Understandably exhausted. W just got more and more frustrated, so by time I came home from work, she was close to exploding
She's a big believer in breastfeeding. It was fine with me, and I supported it, it was only at night.
It did make it difficult for me to put the kids to sleep, as I don't have milk Probably one of the issues that made my W feel trapped. We discussed stopping several times, but she was never able to wean them completely. I now realize when she did , in November, it was probably in preparation for eventually leaving. Who knows? Just a guess on my part. No mind reading here
It probably is a combination of everything. First, her extending the nursing bedtime habit, which was comforting for the kids.......and the only way they had been trained to know how to settled down to sleep, and it seemed easier for her as opposed to weaning.
Secondly, I would think the ones who were nursing would psychologically connect the loss of mother's nursing/milk with her leaving them and the home. So when she shows up to tuck them in bed, of course they want what they remember as being emotionally secure.
Her trying to get all of them to sleep in the same bed, while fighting off the one who wants to hold her breasts to go to sleep.......well, no wonder she was frazzled. Seems she would have learned on the first child. But that was her choice and now she is having to deal with the results.
Switching beds during the night or allowing kids to sleep with the parents is very difficult to overcome without the shedding of tears at some point. I know when a parent is exhausted, you will do most anything just to get some sleep, but you set yourself up for months, or years, of nightly negotiations and/or interruption of sleep.
Have you considered bunk beds for the kids? The oldest one, especially, needs to sleep without his siblings. All of them in the same bed is establishing another emotional situation that will be more difficult to break later.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When this all first happened, I recognized this was a problem. We actually bought bunk beds and I set them up. They are working on sleeping in them. Just a matter of consistency. They've been set up and working on it for about a month now. Own beds is happening 90 percent of the time now. My W has just rarely put them to bed, so they were very excited etc. Regression to old habits. My D is very upset the last few days.
They still are unsure about what is happening beyond the immediate. The uncertainty is not good for them. Just trying to keep a schedule so they know when they will see W
Continuing with my detaching and tough love. Waiting and watching. And moving on. Keep monitoring the results of what I'm doing. Definitely created more confusion for her when she was more welcome in the house, but it was total cake eating. Makes me sometimes feel like I should go back to that. But I think I need to continue with my journey as is. Is it normal to feel so torn? Hah, I hope so
