Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

ye,

I am picking up "Codependant no more" today. I do go to IMC and it has helped a great deal. I have surrendered to fact that I have a lot of the signs of being codependent. I did that back when I first started counseling 1 week after S. My therapist is very good and realizes that I have made some progress. When I slip up I just want some backup material on hand to reference.

I am much better at worrying about myself more now than ever. Sometimes I just backslide and I know that is ok because we are human.

I attended a couple Al Anon meetings they were good but mostly concerned with drug or alcohol addicted Partners. That is not an issue in my case.

IMHO I have changed a lot about myself over the last 9 months and it is very freeing but at the same time I really regret that I didn't seek help sooner. Could it have saved my M maybe or maybe not but I would have started to become the person I want to be sooner.

I know it is my W choice to do whatever she pleases its her journey. At the end she may come back. If she doesn't I will be fine. TBH, I would have been fine without all the things I am doing also but I would have stayed that same person that chased a loved one away and would have kept repeating the same toxic patterns that got me where I am today.

I have never mentioned to my W how I feel all that I am doing to improve myself has changed me and I never will.

She has brought changes she sees up to me and I thank her for noticing.

She definitely still has "I'm done" written all over her actions and I'm sure feels strongly "it's too little too late". I can't control that those are her feelings.

The one thing that totally bums me out is, while I feel I am doing everything I possibly can to become the person only a fool would leave. If my W does or doesn't notice or comeback I will have to forgive her for not putting her full effort into saving our M from her side.

Something she told me she knows she isn't doing but doesn't want to either. I don't ask and she doesn't tell me her reasoning for this position. That would be clinging or pursuing I think. I guess my W just feels it is easier to start over than to put in the hard work that a loving M needs or deserves.

We all have choices and must live with the consequences of those choices.