So, I get 6 days that are H-free. He'll be out of state to attend a funeral. D7 and I have lots of GAL planned for the weekend (visiting family Friday evening, volunteering on Saturday, having her cousin over for a sleepover Saturday night, and church on Sunday). I'm not planning on contacting him at all. Any thoughts on if this is the right approach considering that he is out of town due to a death in his family? My instinct tells me normal DB rules apply, but I'm still not feeling very comfortable with all this, so I welcome all input.
My H is adamant that he wants 50/50 custody. He has said that if I don't give him 50/50, he will fight me for it. He knows that the firm my sister works for is one of the best firms to use for contested D cases in our area, so I can only imagine that he would borrow money from his dad. The thing is, in reality, he doesn't have our D7 anywhere close to 50 percent of the time. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt at first, but I am beginning to think that he wants 50/50 in order to avoid paying child support. At the beginning of all this, he specifically told me he couldn't afford it. The truth is, he can't afford it and afford to keep the lifestyle he is accustomed to living.
All that said, I have been thinking of filing myself if he tells me again that he wants a D and asking the court to grant me primary custody with a standard visitation order for him. If he isn't actually going to have her half the time, I think my D7 will be better off knowing where she's going to be each day. This is hard for her. If I do this, I probably destroy all chances of R. My H will not forgive it. Any thoughts, 2x4s, etc., are welcome.
Speaking of D7, this morning, she was standing in my bedroom staring at a picture from our wedding. When I reminded her that it was time to get ready for school, she said she just needed to look at the picture for a little longer. Just yesterday, I was contemplating taking that picture down because it was too painful a reminder for me, but maybe that isn't a good idea right now.
I'm feeling pretty stuck. I want desperately to save my M, but I am feeling hopeless about it right now. If it isn't possible, I still have to protect my D.
I was just catching up and I want to reiterate that I am no expert and this may not be to DB standards. I think sometimes the spouse (male or female) wants things certain ways for control or how it is perceived. Also, if it is a hot button for you.
In a perfect world, all relationships would work and kids would never come from a broken home. Document everything. My h on average spends 4% of the time with the kids each week. That means I have them 96% of the time. He doesn't want any "responsibilities and obligations" and originally thougth that way as well. I think when he realized what 50/50 really meant, he totally backed down. The reality is that sometimes mom is the stable parent and sometimes dad is the stable parent. Sometimes both are stable. That's not always the case.
My point is, do what you think is best. Maybe 70/30 is best. Keep track of the time your h spends with your kids. This is where this may not be DB practices....Don't worry about how taking care of your kids is for reconcilliation. Sorry. That's just me. My h is unstable and has had mental health issues for years. His erratic behavior is noticed by my kids so unless he is truly ready to address his issues (and he isn't), what he ***wants*** and what is best for my children (including the opinion of outside professionals) is my concern. I can't nor have any interest in changing him. Just like you can't change your h. He is his own problem.
And well, if he can't forgive you for doing what is best (whatever that may be), then what kind of R are you going to have anyway? Heck, people will probably 2x4 me.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt at first, but I am beginning to think that he wants 50/50 in order to avoid paying child support.
That's mind-reading, and besides, it doesn't matter. What matters is this- 1)is he a fit parent? 2)does your D benefit from seeing him? 3)what is the best visitation schedule for your D? My W and I have 50-50 custody, and let me tell you, it costs way more for me to have them half the time than if I was paying her child support. But I love spending time with them and would love to have them ALL the time, but my XW is a good mother and they deserve their time together too so I compromised at 50-50 and feel it was the fair thing to do for the kids as well as for me and her.
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At the beginning of all this, he specifically told me he couldn't afford it. The truth is, he can't afford it and afford to keep the lifestyle he is accustomed to living.
He's in for a rude awakening then, because if he has her 50% of the time that is NOT "free".
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If I do this, I probably destroy all chances of R. My H will not forgive it.
A lot of people think that going in, but in fact when they fight for their rights the WAS often gains respect for them.
That's mind-reading, and besides, it doesn't matter. What matters is this- 1)is he a fit parent? 2)does your D benefit from seeing him? 3)what is the best visitation schedule for your D? My W and I have 50-50 custody, and let me tell you, it costs way more for me to have them half the time than if I was paying her child support. But I love spending time with them and would love to have them ALL the time, but my XW is a good mother and they deserve their time together too so I compromised at 50-50 and feel it was the fair thing to do for the kids as well as for me and her.
Thank you your input. My H is definitely a fit parent and my D does benefit from seeing him. I would never try to keep them apart. If my H would actually keep his commitments, I think a 50-50 schedule could be the best possible for my D. The problem is that my H constantly changes the schedule to work around his life. If he's not feeling well, he asks me to keep her. He has scheduled work trips and meetings on days that he knows he is supposed to have her. These are trips and meetings that could happen at different times, but he doesn't schedule them on days that interfere with his other plans. He also schedules personal things on days when he should have her. The fact that he does this doesn't provide my D with the stability I think she needs at her age. If he made his time with her a priority, then I could see changing my mind on this. I would also prefer to come up with an amicable agreement over fighting this out in court. If we are amicable, I could see us finding a way for both of us to see her on major holidays. If we aren't, I fear that chance will be lost. I hope he'll step up and be there for her in the way she needs him to be, but so far, living the single life has seemed to be priority #1.
Maybe I need to keep thinking on this one. I don't want to not have my D 50 percent of the time, but I do want what is best for her. Is it inappropriate for me to have a conversation with him about how important it is to be there when he is scheduled to be? He and I have had many conversations over the years about how much it hurt when our parents didn't show up for us. In my case, it was my mom and in his case, it was his dad. I'm sure he doesn't want the same thing for her.
In a perfect world, all relationships would work and kids would never come from a broken home. Document everything. My h on average spends 4% of the time with the kids each week. That means I have them 96% of the time. He doesn't want any "responsibilities and obligations" and originally thougth that way as well. I think when he realized what 50/50 really meant, he totally backed down. The reality is that sometimes mom is the stable parent and sometimes dad is the stable parent. Sometimes both are stable. That's not always the case.
When I try to think the whole custody thing through, I often get stuck at thinking the best thing is for us to all be a family. I know that is the best thing. But, since my H doesn't see it that way (at least right now), I really am trying to figure out what is best for D7. My H does spend more time with D7 than your H (I feel for your kids on 4%). Some weeks it is only 15-20%. Others, it might be closer to 40. In the three months we've been S, he hasn't gone a single week without changing the schedule in some way.
Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle
And well, if he can't forgive you for doing what is best (whatever that may be), then what kind of R are you going to have anyway? Heck, people will probably 2x4 me.
The thing here is that he won't see me as doing what is best for D7. He will see me as interfering with his rights and trying to take her away from him. I don't think that is mind-reading. He has said basically that. I guess I can't concern myself with what he thinks about it, though.
I learned what I think is an important lesson today.
First, a bit of context: my H usually has an overnight business trip once a month (just one night away). I usually attend two out-of-town weeklong conferences per year. Other than that, there are a handful of nights a year that each of us is away for some reason (like me traveling to be at the hospital when my dad had surgery, for example). Whenever this occurs, our standard practice has been for the person who is traveling to call around bedtime to wish D7 goodnight and say prayers with her. We've both excused ourselves from business dinners to spend a few minutes on the phone for this. About a year and a half ago, H was on an overnight business trip. We got into an argument over something (I don't even remember the issue now). That night at bedtime, he did not call and I did not call him. This is not the first time that had happened. I didn't even think of it. H called about an hour after bedtime when D7 was already asleep and was furious that I had not called him. He assumed it was because of the argument. It honestly wasn't. I just had a rough time getting her in bed that night. He said some pretty mean things, including that he would never forgive me. After that night, it was never brought up again. Since then, I've been pretty cognizant of making sure that D7 and I call him even if he misses the bedtime call.
As I've posted, H is out of the state for six days because of a death in his family. He texted on Thursday after he landed and said that he would call later. When I put D7 to bed around 8:30, I struggled with whether I should call him or not because of past history surrounding this issue. I finally decided to give D7 the phone and let her call her dad. She did, but he did not answer. She left him a VM. About 15 minutes later, H called and asked if D7 was still awake. I checked her bedroom and she was, so they talked for a few minutes. Last night, D7 was up late. When she went to bed at 9:30, H had not called again. I asked her if she wanted to call and she said that she did. She called and he did not answer. Before she realized that the VM had started recording, she said, "Daddy never answers when we call." She then asked me if he could hear what she said and I told her that he could. She didn't seem bothered by that at all. The rest of her message was normal stuff.
Around 1 am, I received a text from H saying he had just gotten to where he could charge his phone and would call in the morning. (That means that he was out partying with his brother for the second night in a row instead of comforting his mother like he said he would be, but that isn't my sandbox, so I'm trying not to think about that.) This morning, H called twice while I was still asleep and then texted asking if we were awake yet. About 30 minutes after his first call, we woke up and I gave the phone to D7 so she could call him. She always talks to people on speakerphone because she doesn't like holding the phone to her ear, so I heard their entire conversation. H apologized for missing her call last night. She said, in a very matter-of-fact manner, that he never answers when we call. H told her that his phone was dead and she said he needed to a better job of remembering to charge it. They talked for a few more minutes and then he asked to talk to me. He complained about having forgotten to pack some stuff and then told me when the funeral was today. I just told him that my thoughts were with his family. There was no tension in the conversation at all.
So, my lesson--if I give D7 some space, she'll let H know exactly what she needs from him. She doesn't need me to interfere. I was so proud of her for calmly calling H out on his behavior that bothered her.
On a semi-related note, in both of D7's VMs, she has said, "Hi, Daddy. I love you and Mommy loves you, too." I've never noticed her saying this before. I wonder if she's picked up on the fact that H and I don't say it to each other anymore.
Does anyone think I'm not handling the bedtime phone calls correctly? It was the least pressuring solution I could think of that still considered D7's routine, but I'm open to advice.
I wanted to ask a couple of questions that were probably lost in some of my longer posts.
Originally Posted By: hope456
Does anyone think I'm not handling the bedtime phone calls correctly? It was the least pressuring solution I could think of that still considered D7's routine, but I'm open to advice.
This question was in reference to contacting my H while he is out of town (as he is right now). He has not been calling D7 each night as has been our practice for years if we were traveling. The last two nights, I've had D7 call him, but he hasn't answered either of her calls. Just trying to make sure there isn't a better way for me to handle.
Originally Posted By: hope456
Is it inappropriate for me to have a conversation with him about how important it is to be there when he is scheduled to be? He and I have had many conversations over the years about how much it hurt when our parents didn't show up for us. In my case, it was my mom and in his case, it was his dad. I'm sure he doesn't want the same thing for her.
This question is in reference to my H constantly changing the schedule with D7. It's not like he's asking to trade days; I would be ok with that. He's just saying, I have something to do X day, so can you keep D7? He keeps saying he wants her half the time, but his actions say otherwise.
Well, my H called right at D7's bedtime tonight, so maybe he realized the importance of it to her this morning when she was talking to him. She gave me the phone when they were finished talking and he wished me a goodnight and said he would talk to me later. It felt very awkward, but I suppose that could be all in my head.
I'm doing about as poorly as I was the couple of weeks right after BD. I just have this horrible feeling that he is going to come back from this trip and tell me he definitely wants a D. I am consumed by fear over this. I haven't been able to stop crying since my D7 went to sleep. Usually when one of us is away, he is always the one who calls repeatedly just to say hi or to check in and he's done none of that this time. That is exactly how he was on the business trip I had in October. That time, BD happened the day I got back in town. I feel like time is running out and the R talk we had earlier this week may have pushed him into a decision. I don't know how to undo this.
If my fears turn out to be true, and he tells me he wants a D when he gets back on Tuesday, I need some advice. Back when I was still very hopeful that he would "wake up" and realize that this was wrong, we talked about not fighting about this and just having my sister, who is a family L, draw up papers. We are in agreement over assets and debts. I have reluctantly agreed to trying 50/50 custody during our separation. While I have had second thoughts about that because of my H's lack of consistency, I think that would be best if he could step up and do a better job. Things could probably be very amicable. However, given our unique situation with a D lawyer in my family, I'm not sure how I can say, "I do not want a D, but won't stand in your way" and then let him do all the work. Do I tell my sister not to do it? She absolutely will not file anything on his behalf. I would have to ask her to do it. I don't want to do anything for a D that I'm adamantly against. I'm not sure what to do. If I tell him he has to figure it out on his own, he'll think I'm just being difficult and trying to make things harder.
I feel so hopeless. I'm not sure if there is any chance for my M to be saved. It makes me want to reach out to him and tell him that I miss him or ask if he's made a decision. I hate not knowing.
