Wife moved out to be with her Tour Guide Lover

[MrBond]

When you list your marital history, be sure to be completely honest about your role. Right now concentrating on what SHE has done wrong isn't going to do any good because the only thing you can change is yourself. Not her.

[gogofo]

Oxford, you are looking for others to chime in on your thread; well here is my two cents... Read and study DR, work on yourself, and reread what Mr. Bond has wrote to you. He has gave you some great advice.

You cannot change or fix her or trick her into loving you. It is not a contest with the OM. The only thing you can do is work on yourself.

[Oxford1]

Oxford, you are looking for others to chime in on your thread; well here is my two cents... Read and study DR, work on yourself, and reread what Mr. Bond has wrote to you. He has gave you some great advice.

You cannot change or fix her or trick her into loving you. It is not a contest with the OM. The only thing you can do is work on yourself.

Whats DR?

[Oxford1]

Here is a question . How do you win back a WAW who keeps telling you that life got mundane. Work, cleaning, raising kids etc. Now tells your son15 that when she comes home for an Inhome seperation that she does not what the burden if responsibilities . She wants to be free a free spirit and happy.

Plus Her OM who she has traveled with lived in a hotel for two months with, is going away for the Holiday with, is offering her this life of freedom and touring and working with kids on Birthrite tours .

Mr. Bond I know I still owe you and the boards my marriage story.

[Oxford1]

I know I have to explain my marriage but here is a dynamic that keeps on occurring. Once you read it it might help you understand my situation more.

But here is my other issue. she talks to S15, knowing that he tells Dad EVERYTHING!
For example, I was driving him to school this morning for some before school stuff he had to do.

He tells me that he asked her why when she and POS come back from New Mexico, does she have to drive all the way 60 miles back here just to bring him back the next day for an 11:00 PM plane (that I hope slams into a wall)

She says, "Well because he will be leaving and I wont see him again for 6 weeks. He says he will miss me.

So he says Mom, hes 53 years old, so she thinks for a few minutes and says:
well maybe I want to see him.

I say boy they are both so controlling.

S15 Says Dad why do you say its control, maybe they just are going to miss each other. Mom told me she cares deeply for you but she does not love you anymore. Boy it was like a knife in the heart hearing it from him.


So I have not texted or called WAW since she called me on Tuesday. She did send me an email with some instructions on what to do for my sn while shes away.

You see, I realize what the real issue is, its BOTH OUR FAULTS, we never had our kids do enough for themselves. So when she says she wants no responsibilities she means that my S15 has to do more for himself.

I think what hurt our marriage is we never ever had any down time, and now all shes been doing is Working, meeting his friends, living in a hotel, traveling etc, its what she felt she deserves.

She also told my S15, that if she ends up back for an in home separation and we can't get a long , by the 2nd month shes going to leave, divorce me and that's it. Meanwhile she was begging me before she saw the Coach to allow her to stay here for 2 more years. I am giving up trying to figure her out.

She also told S15 that Dad (ME) is going to try and win me back, but he has to realize I am in Love with my Charlatan and its not going to work...What she does not realize is I have no more fight left, I am going to let things fall into place with the advice and help I get here.

I want to clean up our financial mess, and give her the space and freedom she needs.

Look everyone I care for her, but she has tortured me for years. Made me not comfortable in my own home, and now flaunted this sicko relationship of hers in front of me. With all your help I am starting to grow as a man and a human being and I don't know if I need Poison back in my life or if I make her happy she will detoxify.

[Oxford1]

My wife and I met at a day camp when we were 19She and 18 Me. We had an on and off again relationship.

When we were together about two months she and I had a falling out, for some stupidasss reason I kicked her slightly in the ankle, but I think it hurt her. she dumped me but then we ended up back together. The about two years later she lost her virginity to me.

About a year after we graduated college we were at her house and her mom had just died of BCa, we had a terrible fight. she started hitting me (she forgets this) I pinned her on the bed to stop her, she said I was gross, I spit on her and left.

A few weeks later we reconciled.

We were married at about 25 years old. We were really in love.

We moved about 60 miles from our familys. Her father was an angry lonely cold as ice man (her mother had had at least one affair we knew about )

My sister never left home she is a mess. In long term relationships with several men, but never got married. MY mom and Dad brought my wife into the Frey. It was awful my wife felt like she was asked to take care of her sister in law which she did not want to do.

We bought our first house had S21. We were madly in love. We always worried about money. We fought but not bad.

We then built a Custom House...Our downfall. It was extremely expensive and still is. I made some job changes that hurt us. Wife took a Job as a administrator in a Medical facility. She became a workaholic. She started to travel a lot for business. I always had.

Because I found myself questioning my marriage vows (never acted on it) and I saw people who did act out, I became possessive and jealous.

My wife is not a warm person. She keeps people at a distance. She had very few friends. Her college roommates were not close to her even though they lived near by. She claims I kept her all to myself..this is 50% true. I was so afraid of loosing her she always made me feel she was the greatest and married down (even though socioeconomically my family was three tares above hers).

We started to fight because for months before she would go to a meeting I would get jealous and nervous. You see she was beautiful and had a great figure and could sing and dance and ended up putting on shows for the Brass of her company. She would tell me about all the men that would hit on her.

She eventually left and joined a hospital surgical department. She worked 24/7 to develop a program, she completely neglected me and the kids. I left out how when they were younger we had Au Pars.

My wife also never would want to disclose anything. She was Passive aggressive. She would say she will be home by 6, walk in at 8 and I would get upset. The last few years I started to accuse her of having affairs.

It was all in my head until late 2012.

She was unforgiving, everything had to be her way. if not you would hear about it for weeks. If she learned a phrase she would use it to death. The more the phrase was an affront on me the more she would say it. (During her secret affair she would use phrases from OM).

The problem was I was so frustrated at times I would throw the mail on the floor, dump my plate etc. I also would yell at her to leave me alone already. My kids say she started every fight but I never let them end.

Then she moved her dad in without my permission or at least discussing it with me first. she said she was doing it to help us financially. It was a fiasco for my kids, me and the marriage.

Then I crossed the line. she would storm out of the room and I would toss a pen, an apple whatever was in my hand..it hit her more than once. she would come back and pummel me and I just stood there. One tine I tried to stop her bu holding her and she pulled free and fell and bruised her cheek. I though I was going to die and went for help.

She claims I have horrendous anxiety, that my outbursts were panic attacks.. My only anxiety was that she told me if she did not get this house etc..she would leave. I was always afraid of her, and of loosing her. I also thought she would have affairs...Well look what happened.

Then after out Israel trip we were making love she wwnet nuts in a rag I put a pillow near her face. I scared the [censored] out of myself, she remembers me smothering her I do not remember this. Then a few weeks later same scenario, she told me I was disgusting (i am not I am in incredible physical shape), She kneed me in my little boys. It hurt I raged and put my hands on her neck. I stopped myself balled like a baby went for help.

she says at that point she decided we were done.Her soul went numb.

Then she started this friendship with this Womanizer and the rest is history.

Since January of 2012 all that has happened is a rare argument. She says I would figure out she was with the POS and circle talk her, just beg and reason and attack where she felt cornered. And when she was really sick one time mostly from guilt we were in the car and I just lectured her for an hour about her stupid POS.

She also claims I made fun of her boyfriend and their relationship.

I have been in counseling for two years, MC,IC and collaborative divorce coach 2 woman and a man, all say that I am a good guy, non violent , but she pushed to the point where I was not myself. she was poison to me and others. And that I tried to hard. They also said I will never ever do anything like this again. She told them that about three years ago I pushed her head towards the toilet. they got her to admit that she tossed the cat litter full of cat crap at me and told me she was done forever.
Based on their discussions with her, they said she is mean to me, does not respect me and blames me for everything.

They all agree that I crossed the line and over reacted, but they could see how she can bring out the worst in me. And probably will not last in any relationship she has.

I destroyed my wife and my marriage..

[Oxford1]

Another item is she says I am controlling. I think we both are controlling.

[MrBond]

That wasn't a marital history you just gave. It was a long post about how you think it's all your W's fault and that she's a POS.

You continually say things in the nature of "well I did this, BUT SHE DID THIS!"

Perfect example..."Another item is she says I am controlling. I think we both are controlling."

In this case you need to be impartial and fess up to the things YOU did because in reality that's all you can change. With you minimizing your actions in the marriage and maximizing her faults that's more control on your part. YOU are controlling what information to share and what side to share. Trust me, we've heard it all so we can point out BS rather quickly.

And to let you know, she is probably right in that she feels free. Sure it may be shirking her responsibilities, but have you EVER thought that she wasn't happy with those responsibilities in the first place and that she just did it and didn't share her unhappiness with you because you would have told her that she was wrong and that she shouldn't be unhappy because she has X, Y, Z things? I'm sure you talked to her in that way.

Think back as to when you were dating her. You actually listened to what she said and did what she wanted in conjunction with what you wanted. Then along the way you may slowly taken more control because you were working and she was taking care of the home. Maybe you started feeling that what you did was more important than what she did. It happens. That's where it starts.

[Oxford1]

Actually we both worked. A lot of times I felt she put her job over mine. I just wanted equal billing.
I am realizing that I never made distinct decisions. I should have planned out things to do. I see she's been going places, nicer eater ants with her OM. Things she wanted from me.
I think I never really explored her soul. I understand what she means I knew her but I never really new her.

I was a good father and a good lover and workout partner. She even says a good friend, but I was to caught up in the minutiae to see what she really wanted out of life.

I just don't know if I can ever get her back.

Her plans are to move into the house. But live separately and keep her affair going!

Is this hopeless?

[gogofo]

Whats DR?

Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis