((((Upwards))) I know that this is hard and beyond frustrating.
Originally Posted By: Upwards
What my H decides doesn't dictate my happiness, but it does dictate whether we stay in contact or not & I want to know where I stand with this that's all. I don't see why I should ignore my boundary plus if I don't bring it up he will just carry on as he is and not make any decisions... can you see a pattern emerging here with decisions lol!
Right now, you need to stop asking your H to make a decision. Your H knows your boundary. He has said that he will work on it (whatever that means). So focus on your reality...H has not told you that he has cut all contact with OW. So what do you want to do with that reality...you focus on you until your H comes to you and proves that he has cut contact with OW. YOU get to decide what that looks like for you.
If you keep bringing it up, you are not going to get the answer that you want. It will frustrate you and hurt. There is no quick fix to this. So you let him go. I promise you that if he decides to cut ties and work on the M, he will come running to tell you.
You can go NC. You can go dim. It is your decision. Just make sure this decision for you, not as a punishment to your H.
You've got your boundary and it's been working. If you feel any negative emotion just pull back and stick to your boundary. You know he'll come to you now so you can answer the phone or not answer the phone depending on how you're feeling. You've been strong and disciplined to this point so stick to it and let him figure it out for himself.
Thanks Barrybran,
I think I just need to give him some space and let him decide now I think, i'll just not contact him and see how I feel if he contacts me. He's still asking me to go to work tomorrow with him etc so i'm going to see how I feel tomorrow.
I need to take a step back now and assess whats working and what isnt, going to read some of DR tonight & refresh my memory.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Right now, you need to stop asking your H to make a decision. Your H knows your boundary. He has said that he will work on it (whatever that means).
Thank you 3BM
I just told him my boundary and he kept saying he doesnt want to make a decision incase its the wrong one. I've made clear that my boundary is to protect ME and its nothing to with him or OW, its for my own sanity and what he decides to do with that is completely up to him, I've told him I will respect whatever he decides but its unfair to keep saying he's going to cut contact then not do it. I needed to get my point across and now its been said i'll leave it, i'm certain he'll let me know if he does cut contact because he was quick enough to tell me that he'd ended "in person" contact with her.
The reason I lost it and had a go at him about not making decisions was because he said his fear is stopping him making any decisions, its not just in this situation its all across his life and its affecting me so much all across the board - I know I cant force him to take responsibility but I thought it about time someone told him to man up!! lol.
Quote:
You can go NC. You can go dim. It is your decision. Just make sure this decision for you, not as a punishment to your H.
No its absolutely for me, I cant be close to him with the thought of him in contact with her in the back of my mind, it slowly eats away at me until I cant take it anymore... its not healthy & also not fair so I wont do it.
He's beginning to get his feelings back for me (by his own admission) and I think its scaring him, its probably wise to give him some space as well as give myself some space too.
I'm going to go dim for a few days, see how I feel then because right now I'm angry and cant really make a proper judgement - earlier I was ready to sign divorce papers haha.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
He's just called at mine to talk & see if i'm ok, been her about an hour. He's said he's going to cut contact with her for a bit (he wont do it forever) out of respect for me & is going to ring her and explain that its causing me pain and he doesn't think its fair - he said its to allow me to heal plus give him space to focus on himself, he wants to just leave things between us as they are and both have our own space. I said I was worried that he was doing it for me so he'd resent me and he's assured me that he's doing it out of respect for me and not for me.
He said he'd love to come back and be happy with his family and wishes he could flick a switch and be ok but right now his feelings towards me aren't there and he knows that he'd more than likely stray because he's not ready to 100% commit and doesn't know if he ever will be because of his addict behaviors.
I feel a complete wreck today, hormones have got the better of me & i've just been a blubbering wreck. I dont even know if what he's said is positive or not??!! My head is a mess - hope I feel better tomorrow.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Well he said this morning he spoke to her last night & is cutting contact with her for a while & she's fine with it - It's positive news so why so I feel so rubbish?!
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Well pretty mixed day for me today. Had IC and that helped a little but i'm still feeling quite down about it all, someone give me a kick up the butt please & get this into perspective for me!!!
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Upwards, I think you're doing great and your situation is still looking positive to me.
Here's my crazy guess on why you may still feel down despite H saying he's not going to contact OW- while contact was going on, your focus (besides on yourself) was on wanting him to end it. You wanted OW out of his life. Now that he's said he's ending contact for a while, I wonder if your feeling has changed to resentment that he even contacted her to begin with?
Maybe that makes no sense, but at least in my situation, I could see myself thinking that way???
You wanted OW out of his life. Now that he's said he's ending contact for a while, I wonder if your feeling has changed to resentment that he even contacted her to begin with.
Thanks for the reply Tarheel! I think you've quite possibly hit the nail on the head there - i've been feeling very angry and frustrated I suppose that i'm in this position and that i've had to put these boundaries in place to protect myself.
I'm feeling a little better this evening, I think I just needed a little time to process things. I need a good nights sleep and hopefully i'll feel much better for it tomorrow
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
I need to get DB'ing again and continue to move MYSELF into a better place. I'm going to spend some time over the weekend assessing whats worked and what hasnt worked recently and put a "plan" in place, i'm going to read through my threads and journal as well as refreshing by reading the DR book.
Watch this space!! I've realised the importance of working on myself in this time and how crucial it is that I look deep inside myself and work on my own issues/fear - I have already grown so much in the past 8mths & looking back now the transformation is astounding, its amazing how far i've come whilst going through such painful experiences.
8mths ago - I felt like a useless wife, useless mum, no self confidence, scared, self critical, felt fat & ugly, no strength, I felt worn down and broken beyond repair, depressed, anxious, hopeless, didnt deserve to be loved or cared for - I was a doormat!
Today - I KNOW i'm a good Mum, I was a good wife, I feel attractive, i'm a kind and caring person, I DESERVE to be loved and treated well, I know my worth, I am strong & confident, I am not afraid to admit my feelings or struggles, I feel hopeful, I can feel that i'm healing & growing as a person, I can see my positives & be proud of them.
I know I have a way to go yet. My H is moving in a positive direction and working on himself so I need continue to do the same! I'll be back to share my findings & DB plan
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...