Long time reader - first time writer

[Cnfused]

In November '12 I continued the 180's - trying to show her how important she was in my / our S's life. Around Thanksgiving I started writing 3 things about her I was thankful for every day until Christmas Eve. I created a video of it on Vimeo. The password is Cnfused if you want to take a look. https://vimeo.com/56248153 Keep in mind at this point I thought we were working on this M together, I was putting in a lot more effort. Even then I could start to see as I was doing more work for the R she needed to do less.

I found a different Marriage saving website - hadn't found this one back then. There it was mostly about creating "the connection". Working my tail off at work and at home. I don't have any regrets about working their program - I did continue to grow and just felt it would take her more time as she was the one that was unhappy. I would just be patient and her feelings/mood would begin to come around.

W went on vacation with S and another couple - I went to see 3rd son that was getting ready to be deployed. Looking back I'm not sure if I could have /should have done anything different. But later W told me that see was upset I did that and felt like I put my S before her. I was emotionally torn between what I did - but knew I was in a no win stitch. Now she carries that around and pulls it back out if she needs justification to be upset or hurt.

I pretty sure she met someone while on vacation - when she got back the text's were about none stop. Sleeping with the phone under her pillow. Turning it away from me to text and keeping it on lock down. I don't feel it was a PA - but certainly an EA. The other website Dr. said I needed to continue to work on the connection.

Her hurt/anger has become such a poison to her - but it is not stored in me. I listen to try and understand her hurt. I don't try to defend the choice I made, only tell her I can understand how you could feel that way and wish you could have told me before.

I hope she finds a way to deal with it, even if we can't make this M work. I want her to find happiness and peace.

She told me I'm away from home too much, always working. I told her I could get a different job working less hours, but would probably make much less money - she said "you better keep doing what your doing."

I don't understand how she can be so angry and unsatisfied with our life - we have everything we've ever needed and most things we've ever wanted.

Our primary house is paid for, another house on a lake, newer car, boat, S goes to private school, money in the bank... What more can I give?

W told me she doesn't feel any passion towards me and hasn't loved me for along time. My response was, "Thank you for being so honest with me. But I have a question, do you want too?"

I feel she is dealing with a lot of guilt because of how she feels and maybe from some of things she may have done. Being Christian's I think she is dealing with a lot of guilt for feeling like getting a D.

So I am new to this program, but have been working on myself and R/M for about 18 months. I used to count the weeks but stopped counting at 52 weeks. I still don't know what is going to become of M. W asked me to move to lake house and give her space, I told her I'm sorry I cannot do that. If you need space then you need to go. I will never let my S see me walk out the door. I made a commitment, a vow for better or worse, sickness or health...

I can only see this as a sickness, so as not to take anything she does or says personal. If I'm the fruitcake here and need to get off the crazy train - say so. It probably won't change my commitment. But I'd like to hear what anyone has to say.

I saw in a different post on this site a book titled - No More Mr. Nice Guy
Thinking it might be time to read it.
Any thoughts from anyone that has read it?

Thanks again! Stay strong! Life what a ride. Throw your hands up and scream.

"If you're not growing - you're rotting."