New here - H's MLC hit like a ton of bricks

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I posted initially on the Newcomers forum. I think it's ok to post here too, to introduce? Husband firmly in MLC, 9 months after BD...

Hello all. My first post -- it's long.

I have been studying this board for about 7 months now, with a husband deep in a severe MLC. I have read both MW's books, and have read many of the resources on MLC on this site, plus a couple of books that deal with it specifically. I have also spoken, once, with a DB coach, a couple of months ago. I have finally registered on this board because my story is getting more difficult to handle by the day. Here it is.

H (55) and I (51) had been married for almost 20 years when he dropped the bomb in June 2013 – 2 days before our 20th anniversary to be exact. We have no children, 2 homes, we are both college-educated and have good jobs/income. I had been noticing behavior changes in him for at least the last 5 years – irritable, angry, not his usual friendly, happy, and carefree self. Many times I asked what was wrong, and I got 'nothing' or 'I'm not happy' with some explanation, but not stated with urgency, as in, 'it's over unless…etc.' We had our problems over the years, but it always seemed like things were still reasonably ok.

In November 2012, he joined a work-related program that involved meeting monthly with a group and a trip overseas in spring of 2013. About one month after returning from the trip, he dropped the bomb. He said he had been unhappy for at least the last 5 years, which coincides with what I thought I noticed. He blamed me for everything, said I had lots of issues that needed to be dealt with. In addition to his claim that we were never close (over 20 years!), and that he hates his job, his biggest complaint was that we never had children. We had had several discussions about it over the years. Early on, I was not at all ready. Later on, when we did try for a while, it did not result in a pregnancy. I am now past child-bearing age and have been grieving over this myself for several years. We both did that, and drifted apart. Neither of us were great communicators, and so this is where we are now.

Bomb drop was complete with explosive MLC anger (dissipated now), a lot of crying (still going on 9 months later), blaming, saying things that didn't make sense. I suspected an OW around April of 2013, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. Soon after bomb drop, there were more signs, but still no concrete evidence. He moved out in July. I believe the EA did not become a PA until after he moved out. We have been separated about 9 months now, he has been living with a family member, and took only the clothes that he needed. Everything else is still here in this house, with me. I found concrete evidence of PA in February 2014. Since I confronted him with it, we have had several long talks, mostly about all of our issues that we never dealt with over the years. They have been very emotionally charged (for both of us, but much more so for him), and because they have been so difficult, we have also written some long letters to each other. I still love him very much, and want to stay together. As long as I have known him he has been a very good man, not someone who mistreats people he cares about. He was always dependable, caring, kind, unselfish, and responsible, always worked very hard. Now he is just the opposite of all that, at least with me.

He has still not actually said the D word, but has threatened, in a roundabout way, that it's over, he wants to move on, and he's going to find out 'what he needs to do.' Nothing has been done yet, to my knowledge. He is still contributing to household expenses, I still pay the bills, but we have (and have always had) separate credit cards.

Since bomb drop, I have been going to weekly IC (he has so far only gone to a couple of sessions himself, with the same counselor, but refuses to go together saying it won't do any good). I have done a lot of work to dig deep and try and figure out why I was so unwilling to take some chances in life, and it's been a difficult but enlightening journey. I held back a great deal and was, in many respects, afraid to just let go and really live, and enjoy life as it's meant to be enjoyed without worrying about how I was going to handle the challenges that came along, financial or otherwise. As a result, we did not do a lot of things that we both would have enjoyed. It also held me back from having children early on. Understanding all of this has maybe come too late for us to repair our marriage, but I still have a tiny bit of hope since, through counseling, I've been able to enjoy life more fully. Only now, I'm going it alone. Not as much fun, to be sure. These were very hard lessons to learn, and I have likely paid the highest price.

Despite all of this, I know it wasn't all my fault. He let things simmer just below the surface for a long time, and then just exploded. He does say he takes 50% of the responsibility and realizes this. Deep down, however, I see/feel a lot of resentment. I got ILYBINILWY, we are like roommates, he still loves me but his feelings 'have changed', etc. His new friends are his best friends now and they are all younger, as is the OW (he doesn't see many old friends or family). He is firmly in replay, and cycling. A different person shows up each time I see him (which is only about every couple of weeks, maybe). Told me he loved me about 10 days ago (first time in 9 months), crying, and then 5 days later said he's 'sorry' – again - meaning it's over. Says he misses some things about us but not others. Wants to be friends. Meanwhile, he hates his job and has for several years now. Casts a lot of blame on the organization's leaders for making many mistakes. Job is now in jeopardy due to budget cuts.

I have been GAL'ing since day 1, before I even knew what it was. Jumped right into survival mode. Went through a 13-week DivorceCare group program in the fall, when I was certain we would be divorced soon, and have made some new friends from that group. I have been taking lots of classes (yoga, meditation, etc.), working full-time, going to church, getting back in touch with friends and family, and have worked really hard to become much more open and willing to share who I really am. It feels really good, but I look back with so much regret, wishing I had been the real me all along. We would very likely not be where we are today.

I have followed almost all of the DB guidelines, but recently said I just can't ride this rollercoaster with him anymore. If he wants to talk to me, I will listen. But I have said all I could think of to say and nothing has made a difference. He has initiated as many R talks as I have (we've probably talked 7 times, at length, since bomb drop). Although I think we understand what went wrong now, nothing seems to change. He is still very confused and in a fog. He does know there is 'something wrong with him' and thinks he may be depressed (he is, very). He has said he knows he needs counseling, and has promised to go, alone. But he has had only a couple of sessions.

I think I have an MLC'er who is also a WAS. The MLC is certainly very obvious, but I know now that he was thinking of leaving for a few years already. He currently does not think or act rationally, and has been spending quite a bit more lately. He looks terrible, has gained weight, is not working out as much, doesn't eat right, and feels 'homeless.' He 'hates himself', hates his life (despite the OW?), has many regrets (mostly not speaking up for what he really wanted and needed in the marriage) and realizes he doesn't treat people nicely anymore (mainly at work).

I am heartbroken. And hindsight is 20-20. Many days are good days, but then I have one like today that takes all my strength just to keep going, get some work done, and get some sleep. It is so hard to stop focusing on this situation. I try to keep busy, and most days I do. My friends have been great, and what few family members I do have have been great too. I am so much closer to all of them now, and I am so grateful to have them. But I need others who understand where I am and why I am there. That's where this board comes in. It is my hope that I can find some encouragement here, and that I can provide some for others who might not be as far along in this as I am. I am strong, but sometimes feel very shaky still. A friend has a saying: "A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong she is until she's in hot water." Well, I'm in hot water, and trying to hold up as best I can. I never, in a million years, thought my life would be like this.
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Me 51, H 55
M 20 years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14