Okay, yes, I think it important to start the R with honesty. In fact, if she doesn't come clean about the A, you don't need to reconcile with her. However, she may tell you about the A, but not apologize. Sometime the resentment is so heavy that it outweighs the the remorse. It was a long time before I could sincerely apologize to my H.
I believe the couples who get back together in steps, while working toward complete reconciliation may do better, b/c there are several issues to get through. A couple may say everything is fine and and even have a mini-honeymoon period, but those unresolved problems will begin to rise again. Deal with the most critical in order to be able to have the truth out and to forgive each other. I would even find a very good solution based, pro-marriage therapist b/c you both will need professional guidance to heal properly and havenansuccessful R. But it will do no good until she ends the A and gets through the hard withdrawal period from the A. Then she may be ready to get help and commit to working on the M.
Has she received therapy for what happened in the past? She was sexually abused? Was it by somebody close who,she trusted?
Did she began her A only after she found out about your Ea? Had you apologizednbefore she started A?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
