Good questions, worthy of more than quick thought.
It was a few years ago that she started running up cards that I didn't know about. 1) She didn't come to me for money, she just took out CC debt on her own. 2) She didn't come to me when the CC's went to creditors. 3) She went to court instead of coming to me.
These things really bother me, in that I don't understand why she never came to me. Pride? Fear of my disappointment? Fear of admitting failure? Guilt that she let a little thing turn into a big thing?
Was it her issue? Or was I so unapproachable? (my issue) Until I understand this, I would never feel comfortable with unbounded access. And given that it happened twice that I know of (and I suspect a third), it's repeat behavior.
And am I a little anal with money? Well yes, because there's a big age gap between me and the kids. Her getting a job again changes that equation though. But as sole earner, when the 6 month emergency fund turns into a 3 month fund, I get antsy. And I've explained to her that this drives my behavior.
Quote:
If you don't/can't trust her, this will always be a source of conflict between you two.
Now a joint account for expenses - that I can do. I'm happy to do that as a way to rebuild trust, and for her to gain financial knowledge. And as she starts dealing with the complexities of her commission based income and expenses, gaining experience, and paying her own CC bills, I'm sure I'll loosen up.
[and again, maybe I'm a nice guy for wanting to help her through this to a place where we're both comfortable, or maybe that makes me a condescending, controlling SOB that should just MYOB. Maybe it's NOT my job to bring her through this unless she wants to.]
There's a huge difference in our financial experience. She sees any offer of help as a commentary on her ability.
So even if she comes back, I've got some challenges ahead. A marathon to be sure.
