Sorry about the he said/she said nature of this post.
Well, we talked about joint account for family expenses last night.
I stuck to the script.
I wasn't a minute into it when: W: This is the problem, you're treating me like a child. Z: How so? I'm proposing a 3 pool model for handling personal and shared expenses, a very popular model for dual income families, that treats us as equals. W: But you're have a picture of the model like I'm too stupid to understand. Z: It's just a visual aid. Nobody said you were stupid.
Anyway, she wholly rejects the idea without listening to any of it, because "Once again, Zew, you're treating me like a child."
She said we can just keep going like we are. I said that we really couldn't because our situation was changing, our old model didn't work for either of us, followed by: "Considering where our marriage seems to be headed, this is all financial documentation and transparency any mediator or judge is going to require anyway."
To which she replied "what judge?" Huh?
She again mentioned that she wants to have access to my account. I stuck to the script. "My first obligation is to protect my family, and I have to consider your financial track record".
When she questioned this, I asked: Z: How are you doing sticking with the budget I gave you at Christmas? W: I don't know. Z: Why not? Do you know the state of your CC? W: No. Z: Why not? W: Because I don't have access to it. Z: It's your account! You have online access, and you get the statement every month.
Then she wandered off into a laundry list of my wrongdoings over an 18 year period. It was like a mini-BD all over again. I let her lead this. I shut up and validated as much as I could, but admittedly not completely.
She claimed I had been disengaged for "years" and that it has only been the last 3 months that I've been back in the family. This was about the only bright spot. This means she has seen changes. Yay - right direction.
But more of the same, "I gave and I gave and I'm done." stuff.
She told me she didn't believe my enthusiasm about her new career because any time I praise her, my voice raises an octave, like how you say "Good girl" when your new puppy pees outside instead of on the carpet.
A conversation about meeting needs. She met all my needs and I met none of hers. I said I must have met some of her needs over 18 years, and that if I had disengaged from the family, there must have been some need going unmet. Nothing further.
I said that I accepted her points of view and feelings. She said I just thought she was wrong. I said that I was interested in any differing viewpoints, not because anyone was right or wrong, but the difference pointed to an area where I would have to do some soul-searching to understand why we saw things differently - it was an opportunity to improve myself. This got me a "well good for you" which was totally expected. I totally get that she resents me fixing myself "too late".
The whole thing was relatively low key. She was clearly angry, but not raging. Dismissive of anything I had to say. I am the bad guy. I took full responsibility for things I recognize to have been my fault - only wishing that I had been more aware earlier of what I was doing.
I called her on was this: About 20 times she said something like "...and you did x because you think y..." I told her that she really couldn't mind read what I thought, so anytime she said "because you think y", she was speculating. The only way to really understand why I did x would be to ask me.
"You think you can say the right thing and everything will go back to normal" I assured her that I fully understood that nothing I could say would affect her in any way, and that there was no way back; neither of us wants back to what was.
She got tired of talking and left for a few minutes, then came back to go to sleep.
So this morning, I thanked her for talking last night. I said it was helpful to me to understand how she perceived things. She shrugged.
I also said that we still don't have a financial model for moving forward, since she rejected mine last night. I asked her for her proposal by Friday. She shrugged.
If I get nothing back, I'll start the joint expense record keeping "of the kind any judge will require anyway" on my own, based on CC records. And then her CC will bomb.
I'm a little discouraged. I didn't expect much out of this. I got a few more ideas about what I've done wrong in the past. Some are just awareness things; some may be actionable.
Clearly, her desire is to keep going as is until she's ready. Things are going to change, with or without her participation.
