Barrybran - Yet Another Thread

[Barrybran]

I'm just wondering if anyone knows of any good resources on communication. I'm about two-thirds of the way through 'The Way of the Superior Man' (TWOTSM) and I've ordered a couple more books that should arrive as I finish it. The major themes that stick out in my interactions here are that I don't listen and how I feel I come across to other people appears to be different to how I actually come across to other people.

I feel somewhat settled after the events of a few days ago. I have my own money now and I can do things on my own time. I'm freed from doing the bulk of the housework and I can put some more time and effort into the yard work, which desperately needs doing. There was some confusion between my wife and I today over my daughters' daycare arrangements but I made myself very clear and I worked through the communication to the best of my ability. It is extremely difficult talking to my wife.

Our communication has been terrible for at least a couple of years, going back to well before we got engaged. We seem to speak different languages. I've known about it for a long time and I used to argue with her most of the time and recently I took to just doing what she wanted. Between LFW's words and TWOTSM, I realise I just need to talk to her and plough through any difficulties in communication. Today, I informed her about something I had done, answered her questions about it, asked her thoughts about different ways to solve the problem and finalised arrangements. It didn't go completely smoothly but we came to an amicable solution in the end.

We had an in-person heated moment at home tonight. My son was cleaning his room and I heard a loud bang on the wall that caused a picture to fall from the other side of the wall. I called him out, asked him what caused the bang and he refused to tell me. I can't stand this form of insolence so I continued to ask at which point he burst into tears. I sent him back to his room and asked him to come out when he finished crying to tell me what happened. My wife stepped in at this point and asked him what happened and he told her something fell off the wall in his room. She then turned on me and told me to get off his back. Unfortunately, I knew my son was lying as he said the item fell on his bed which didn't explain the loud bang or why something fell off the wall in a room not connected to the same wall.

Eventually, I figured out his motivation and told him he wouldn't get what he wanted if he refused to tell me what happened. It turns out he was being silly in his room, bouncing on his bed, and he bumped into the wall knocking the picture off the other side of the wall. I knew this account was true from the evidence and my son's demeanour. I told him it was an accident but not telling me made me think he had something to hide and lying about what happened would always get him into trouble. He was apologetic and very loving for the rest of the night. I know my methods aren't fantastic but I'm learning on the run and I don't get support from my wife when it comes to parenting. As such, I tend to not listen to her when she berates me for how I deal with the kids because she's not supportive or constructive. I know I need to turn this into a constructive boundary of sorts; something along the lines of listening to my wife but not accepting her disrespect towards me and encouraging her to express her thoughts about my parenting and working together as parents.

Something from the last post, LFW has been fantastic for me, cat04. Last week I needed a friend and I was disappointed that only one person has regularly been here for me. I've received some valuable advice from a few members and as good as LFW is, he's got his own life and commitments and I'd like to think that when someone's down their support network would rally around, pick them up again and they can carry on like before.