H called to tell me about the funeral arrangements and what his travel plans are. I asked if he'd like for me to go with him. He said that he was ok and I didn't need to because we didn't have the money for that. He doesn't really know what I have the money for since we separated finances when he moved out, but that's another matter. I told him that wasn't the question and I would go if he wanted me to go. He then said no because he doesn't want to bring D7. I told him that my sister would keep her. He still said no, so i dropped it.
On a related note, he decided to fly, so maybe my opinion matters after all.
I'm thinking through one of H's complaints about our marriage and could use some input. He says I overthink/overanalyze everything. That's certainly been true since BD. I have constantly been trying to read the underlying message in what he's saying. The more I read here, the more I'm resisting the temptation as it is mindreading. H's complaint is specifically that he can't talk to me because I overthink everything. He has even said that he understands it now, because of what we're going through, but that it existed before. I do have a very analytical mind. I think through my thoughts, words, and actions and will often replay them repeatedly in my head. I also frequently do the same things with others' words and actions. I think I understand his complaint. Sometimes I attach meaning to his words that may have little or nothing to do with his actual meaning (or so he says). I'm looking for a way to do a 180 on this. Is this something that I just get better at avoiding through practice? Has anyone read a book that addresses something similar?
Hope, I do this all the time. W has similar complaint. It's so hard for me to take things at face value. It's something I struggle with as I watch her post things on social media with pictures and quotes that can lead to 2 separate roads. So I am left to try to battle not to reach the worst possible conclusion. She often tells me Fear stands for: False Evidence Appearing Real = FEAR.
Me-39 W-39 M-2 T-7 BD 3/31/2014 Still living together
My H is going out of town for a funeral on Thursday and will be gone until Tuesday. This is supposed to be his weekend with D7. In addition to that, he is supposed to have her every Wednesday and Thursday (we have agreed to a 2-2-5-5 custody split during our separation). On Sunday, he asked if he could take D7 on Tuesday and Wednesday since he would be out of town on Thursday and for his weekend. I agreed. He asked if I wanted to go to dinner with them on Tuesday. Well, last night, he told me he was starting to feel sick and may not be able to take her on Tuesday. Then, he called me a few minutes later and said he would still definitely take her on Tuesday.
Today after lunch, H emailed me to tell me that he could not take D7 today because he had several errands to run for his trip and still wasn't feeling well. I did not respond. I was very irritated. Though my H professes to want 50/50 custody, he frequently makes plans on days that should be his and expects me to adjust my schedule accordingly. Sometimes, he'll need me to take her because he is too tired. Sometimes, he's made plans on his weekend, so he has made plans with friends. I always say yes. I like spending time with D7. I don't feel like she is a burden. I want her with me all the time and I resent my H for taking her away part of the time. When he changed plans yet again today, I was frustrated. I hadn't planned to do anything major, but did intend to go grocery shopping, go running, and do some cleaning in the house, all of which had to be put on hold because my H is a poor planner. I decided to implement to "if you don't have anything nice to say..." rule.
Fast forward to this afternoon...H tried to call me on his way to his IC appointment. I was in a meeting and did not answer. I returned his call when I knew his appointment would be over. He wanted to make sure it was OK with me to have D7 tonight, not that I really had a choice as he had already made an appointment for a haircut and had other things to do. I said it was fine and I must have done a decent job of hiding my irritation because he didn't pick up on it. I then politely asked him how his appointment was, just expecting his normal vague answer. I never pry into these answers. He gave me the vague, "it was ok," and I said, "well that's good." He then tells me that they talked about his relationship with his dad and sisters. He then told me, for the third time in a week, that, at his C's urging, he has really been working on improving his relationship with his older sister and they've been talking frequently. Honestly, I think it's good that he is working on himself. Still, I find it very hurtful that he's willing to do all this work in so many areas of his life, but isn't willing to commit to fixing our marriage. We both come from broken families and vowed to never put our D7 what we went through. Guess he forgot about that.
After that, I guess I was shorter with my replies, which H picked up on. I'm really not good at hiding my thoughts from him. AT ALL. The following exchange took place:
H: What's wrong? Me: Nothing. H: It seems like something is wrong. Me: Nothing is wrong. I'm fine. H: I can tell that something is on your mind. Me: There's really nothing I want to talk about. H: Don't lie to me. I can tell there is something you're thinking about. Me: I'm not lying. I'm just saying I don't want to talk about it. H: OK. Are you just upset about the usual thing you are upset about? (meaning our separation) Me: A variation on the usual, yes. I really don't want to talk about it. H: You want to talk about it. You just don't think I want to talk about it. Me: I really, really don't want to talk about it. Nothing good will come from talking about it. H: Don't make me pull it out of you. Just tell me what the variation is. Me: Fine. I find it hurtful that you are so willing and eager to repair your relationship with your dad and your sister, but you aren't willing to do any work to repair your relationship with me. And I'm the mother of your child. Our relationship will likely be the one that most significantly affects her childhood. H: Ugh. I can't tell you anything. Everything is about you. Me: That's where you're wrong. As you've well demonstrated, everything is actually about you.
All went downhill from there. He can't talk to me because I'm too emotional. He can work on his relationships with his family because he doesn't have to be "in love" with them. He just isn't in love with me. (Quick aside: I think this whole "in love" thing is a total cop-out. Love changes and evolves and it pi$$es me off that he doesn't acknowledge that.) I don't think it is my imagination that he had been acting more positively lately, but this conversation made it seem like that was all nothing. I finally asked if he felt that he had been more positive about us lately. He said he hadn't thought about it and he probably needed to. I honestly think he'd be fine living in limbo forever.
Fast forward again, to tonight...I texted H to ask what his plans were regarding the weekend schedule since his travel plans throw it off. He replied that he wanted to stick to the original schedule, which would mean I would have D7 three weekends in a row. That's great for me, but means H would have had her 4 or 5 nights in a period of 3+ weeks. My D7 misses her dad. She's mentioned it to me at bedtime several times recently. I get so angry on her behalf that he doesn't make her a priority. I'm tired of making excuses for him, but I also don't want to say, "Daddy decided he had something better to do," which is honestly how I feel sometimes.
So, I screwed up again. I responded, "That's fine. Do you already have plans for the weekend?" He said that one of his friends might be flying in. This friend was originally his and was then in our wedding. Over the years, I've also become close to this friend and his wife. I sent, "Great. So X knows now too. Are you telling your family this weekend?" Many texts were then exchanged. My H says that I think he can't talk to other people. It does bother me when he tells people because it makes everything seem more final. It bothers me more when he tells people and then doesn't tell me about it because it makes me think he's lying about considering me his best friend. I finally called him instead of texting and the conversation really wasn't any better. He basically said I'm pushing him away, but that he would never make a permanent decision on the basis of an argument. I indicated that I think we need to be back at the place we were just before he moved out because we were both more positive and he was second-guessing his decision. He agreed that things were better then, but said we would need to do a lot of work to get back there. I asked what kind of work and he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore right now. He was admittedly angry when he got off the phone. I, on the other hand, was sobbing.
I occasionally think I'm the worst DBer ever. I do really well for several weeks and then fail big time. These slips (which really feel like way more than slips) always happen when he notices something in my tone or expression and pushes until I tell him what's bothering me. I don't want to not feel the emotions I'm feeling, but I do want to figure out how to not make them so clear to him.
So, that all leads me to a couple of questions:
I love spending time with my D7. She is truly my favorite person in the world. However, I find myself not making GAL plans sometimes because my H has such a bad habit of canceling plans or changing them at the last minute. If he so badly wants 50/50 custody, shouldn't he try to have our D somewhere in the range of 50 percent of the time? I don't want to give any time with her up, so I have a hard time setting a boundary here. Also, I wonder if part of my desire to set a boundary comes from me being angry because I feel H does not make D7 a priority. If it does, isn't that an attempt at control by me? Does anyone have any input?
When my husband pushes for information about my feelings, I always try to resist, but he continues to push until he gets me to crack. There is almost a physical feeling of just having to say it or I'll explode. Once I start sharing my thoughts and feelings, I find it difficult to stop and we get WAY deeper than we need to go and my H gets pushed away even further before. Does anyone else experience this the same way, like a physical feeling that you just have to say it? How do you cope with this without giving in and saying what's on your mind?
Is it possible to come back from such huge backslides and still save your M? I really want this to work and still don't feel like my H is completely gone.
Sorry for the length of this post. I'm really struggling today.
Hope, re: your H working on his R with his sister, I will share what my IC told me.
Background: right around the time my H started to "change", he cut off contact with his D16. She hurt his feelings and he declared he was done with her. (MAJOR red flag to me, but there was no talking him out if it). This is how he has handled all of the significant Rs with women in his life. He gets hurt so he cuts them off. Fast forward to today: he saw his D18 for the first time in 3 years a couple months ago, and they communicate almost daily. He also sends her money, which is what his feelings got hurt by in the beginning.
My IC said this is HUGE for him. It took an amazing amount of courage and humility for him to work back into her life. He's having to come to terms with how he damaged that R as her father. He is actively trying to repair that R.
Why I'm bringing it up. LOL! IC also said it is very common for men to only be able to handle one thing at a time. Women are multi-taskers, men are not. Especially when it comes to emotions, etc.
Maybe, He needs to work on and experience success with others before he can work on his R with you. Do not take it personally. See it as a positive sign.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Thanks for responding, Artsy. You're right. I really do need to recognize the positives in the situation. He is going to IC. He is actively working on himself. Those are good things.
Still, I struggle with everything else being more important than our relationship. I also have a hard time accepting that my D7 and I get the short end of the stick while he lives his single life. It s*cks. He's told me over and over again that he is seeing a C to work on making himself a better person. Yeah, because walking out on your wife is the hallmark of being a good person. Clearly, all this anger isn't getting me anywhere though. Honestly, right now, I don't even like who he is.
I realize that it wouldn't actually help, but I sometimes think about filing for D myself. It wouldn't even be hard. My sister is a family L. At least then there would be a direction and I wouldn't be stuck in limbo.
I was just catching up on your thread. Artsy is spot on with the IC assessment. Yes, it is painful and very difficult for your d to get the short end of the stick. Look at it this way, that's all on your h. He can never get this time back with his d and the nature of his relationship with his d is his issue-not yours. You on the other hand can cherish this time with d and develop this unbelievable bond.
Hang in there. It IS a new day:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
H: What's wrong? Me: Nothing, I'm doing great!! What is it that you needed? H: ummm, nothing, just wanted to see what was wrong. Me: OK, well I guess I'll let you go then, I've got things to do! Bye! H: It seems like something is wrong. Me: Nothing is wrong. I'm fine. H: I can tell that something is on your mind. Me: There's really nothing I want to talk about. H: Don't lie to me. I can tell there is something you're thinking about. Me: I'm not lying. I'm just saying I don't want to talk about it. H: OK. Are you just upset about the usual thing you are upset about? (meaning our separation) Me: A variation on the usual, yes. I really don't want to talk about it. H: You want to talk about it. You just don't think I want to talk about it. Me: I really, really don't want to talk about it. Nothing good will come from talking about it. H: Don't make me pull it out of you. Just tell me what the variation is. Me: Fine. I find it hurtful that you are so willing and eager to repair your relationship with your dad and your sister, but you aren't willing to do any work to repair your relationship with me. And I'm the mother of your child. Our relationship will likely be the one that most significantly affects her childhood. H: Ugh. I can't tell you anything. Everything is about you. Me: That's where you're wrong. As you've well demonstrated, everything is actually about you.
See above edit. I think you recognize this went pear-shaped right away. DO NOT SHARE YOUR FEELINGS WITH YOUR H. You LISTEN and VALIDATE, nothing more. He set you up and you crawled right into his trap. He kept baiting you to share your feelings just so he could punish you once you did. WAS's often provoke the LBS into arguments so they can justify to themselves their reasons for leaving. Don't give him the ammo!
GB, Thanks for replying. I am trying to build the best relationship I possibly can with my daughter. She and I are very much alike, both in appearance and personality, and have a really great relationship. I find that I'm more patient with D7 with H not being here. He could be very moody at times and that cloud not being around is a positive thing.
My H not valuing his relationship with our D7 is a tough pill for me to swallow. I was raised by a single father after my parents D'd when I was seven (hmmm...the same age my D is now). My mom was around only when it fit into her life. My sisters and I never felt like a top priority for her. My dad on the other hand was amazing. It took well into adulthood for me to really build a relationship with my mom. One of my sisters has had an even harder time. I did not want that for my D, but it looks like that's what my H has to offer, at least for right now. It makes me angry because this is not the man I married. That man would not prioritize quasi-friends over spending time with his d. It's incredibly disappointing. In addition to that, it makes me like him less and less, which causes me to wonder how I could ever be interested in R with him.
Also, my D7 shares her thoughts and feelings with me, and not so much my H. He really isn't good with feelings, unless they're his own. He's a terrible validator. So, I'm the one who gets to comfort her when she cries about missing daddy and when she freaks out asking if we are getting a divorce. He doesn't see any of that, so I'm sure he gets to keep his fantasy in his head that this really has no effect on her.
AS - Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. You're absolutely right with your edit. That would have been a much better way to handle the conversation and would likely have saved me a lot of heartache. I'm still finding it hard to remember that this H is not my H. He looks like my H and sometimes even acts like him. In this conversation, he seemed genuinely concerned about my feelings. Well, until I actually stated them. The concern disappeared instantly at that point. I have to do a better job of reminding myself that I can't trust this H with my feelings. He doesn't care about them.
IC also said it is very common for men to only be able to handle one thing at a time. Women are multi-taskers, men are not. Especially when it comes to emotions, etc.