She left - 2

[25yearsmlc]

Some of my decisions and actions have me thinking that for me there might be a fine line between showing I am committed to my family more that work and the W cake eating. I do not know if others share these feelings or not.

ALL of us questioned this, at some point in our journey...or at many points...

My job took so much from my personal and family life at the end before the separation that now every chance that shows up, I put family in front of work. This is how I feel now and I walking the walk.

Actions are talking, not just words. I think it's great. And it's not really about what you are "Giving" your w, so much as what you are giving your Family, your children, etc....

try NOT to have a scorecard.


I know my actions allow my W to have more time to do her doctoral class work and also do things like attend the b-day party. I changed from W picking up kids Thursday to Friday morning so she can attend a play that many of her students are in. I did this so I can have a little more time with kids and also to show that I support my W and things she wants to do. She said she felt "trapped" or "controlled" etc, so I figured me changing my plans so she could do something would show my 180s about supporting her.

Correct...


One part of me says I am showing her the real me who supports her wants and needs and the other part of me says I am allowing her to cake eat. I waver back and forth. Truthfully I think some of the cake eating feelings are rooted in wanting her to have a difficult time while she has walked away; wanting her to be punished for her actions. I worked through the stronger feelings of punishment towards her in the beginning, but I think the cake eating thoughts are the last of these feelings.


This ^^resonates with me b/c I did the same thing. I'm a good rationalizer. So I knew it was always possible that my "Boundary setting" was really a punitive "FAIRNESS" issue, but the justice arguments are simply us punishing under the guise of some legalese.

MY DB coach, a Godsend, once shocked me when she said "it's not Your 'job' to 'teach your h a lesson' or 'show him the consequences' of his actions. Life does that."

And in my situation and yours, I think, we tend to Underestimate the pain our spouses are in, and we over estimate the FUN freedom they have...we overlook or gloss over the fact that it's quite possible they ache for their children's arms as we do when apart, and that they are wracked with self doubt and guilt or worry about "making a HUGE mistake, etc"....

I am now seeing the full brunt of the damage my h did with his r's with our children....and it hurts to see it. It hurts him deeply, our children are hurt deeply and I'm torn in different directions.

Of course it affects the m but the irony is that I felt H and I were/are doing strong. Then I see our "family" and I feel sympathy and anger at the same time.

Don't underestimate the pain your wife WAS in before she left, and the new pain she's in now...

I know it helps me to be compassionate when I remember my spouses pain and don't paint him into the "unfeeling robot" he never really was, and surely isn't now.


I really do support her and her actions, and will sacrifice and move my work around to show her that I am not the only important person of part of this family and R. Trying to show actions about how I feel and not tell her, words won't convince the WAS of anything (or the LBS for that matter).

If you believe this^^, then LIVE IT...it's not all about the easy things to change, is it? If you "sacrifice" your work to be present for your family, try rephrasing that to see that your family has sacrificed for your career far longer than the reverse has been true.

Many people SAY their family is "their priority" but

we show what our priorities are by where and how we spend our LIVES...= OUR TIME/ ENERGY, (not with money!)


Another cake eating feeling comes from the fear that she might get comfortable and enjoy the new situation with us living apart and co-parenting.


Get over the idea that HER happiness means YOUR LOSS...and secondly, if she is miserable b/c you inflict more discomfort on her than you should, is that REALLY what you think will bring her back

AND IF SO, is that what you want her choice based on? (Ie the lesser of two evils...??)

Keep working on YOU and stay in your sandbox, don't keep getting in hers. Don't even look at her sandbox to see if YOU THINK she is "FEELING comfortable"...sweet Jesus that is some major mind reading and projecting into the future and STILL making it a bad thing for her to learn to adapt...IF NEED BE.

And it deflects from looking at yourself. Remember the real journey in life is an inward one...keep digging in your sandbox and leave hers alone.

There are good things happening in your life if you'll just look up and notice.

I know one thing, I am becoming tired of the situation and will probably move even forward with GAL and not thinking about her much. I have a couple mental blocks about things to do or not do because I wish/hope we could do them as a family. Things like Easter Egg hunt on Easter or going to a new aquarium that has opened. I would love us to do these things as a family but we are not really a family right now.


GAL is mandatory. I hammer it, b/c it's JUST essential to YOU, your children--how they see you react and what you model in the face of heartbreak or a setback,

and it will, eventually make you more attractive to your wife. She may understandably be saying "oh NOW You care about X, Y and Z"....but down deep surely she knows it would NOT help anyone for you to stay

stubbornly entrenched and insist on NO CHANGES HERE...she just wishes she had mattered enough sooner. And that's a legit emotion for her to PROCESS, and I think she will.

Keep up the good work, don't backslide. It's SO easy to become bitter in this situation. But the people who remarry new people, do so b/c they LEARNED...and so are the ones who reconciled with their spouses...but

the ones who are doomed are the ones who learn NOTHING ABOUT THEMSELVES that they want to change...(or face) and they get remarried, over and over, til they or their spouses give up,

Then they blame the entire gender ("men are selfish pigs", "women are crazy/users") ETC

Keep taking the high road and do right by your kids. In fact, next time you wonder if your wife is cake eating, first aak yourself why you are looking at HER behavior instead of yours,

THEN ask if the act requested will help your child and do right by them. You won't ever regret that. Plus, loving fathers are darn hard for women do leave.

I might extend an invitation for her to come over Easter Morning for the egg hunt, but I need to figure out if not wanting her to be there is to simple punish her or to show her what it would be like if we were completely D and all ties were cut.


^^^ Same things....(so yes' it's to punish AND to "show her")...as if she has zero imagination. Give her a great memory and give that to your kids too....

it's more for your wife to miss IF she so chooses, and more for your kids to remember.

I have held out on the aquarium trip because we have been to the old one on and off for the last 3 years and always had a great time. Usually went once a year. If I was 100% with my GAL I would not hesitate at taking the kids, just have some small emotional hurdles to jump over that are preventing me from fully committing to the trip.

Jump the hurdles. They are not as big as you are making them, OR you are still forgetting that you work to live, not live to work. You live for your family too, but not FOR your work.

Make sense? Where you spend your mental and physical presence, and energy, reflects what you value.

If you value time with your children and an intact family with a relatively happy mom, then act in accordance with THOSE values...Get out of your own way, perhaps?