Wants to leave again after a month!!!

[DFE]

It's something he wanted when he first moved back. He can have his space but still see the family. I think he needs time to cool down. It's been way too soon and we haven't gotten any counseling or tools to help us with the situation.

The kids wouldn't know about the man cave. They play down there and can continue to do so with their dad. I just know if he's in the house it's easier to work on. If he leaves it's a deal breaker for me. I can't go through the heart ache again.

[ye21]

I think I have brought myself down in his eyes too many times asking him to work on this marriage. He came back on his own this time but it's only been a month. I can just say here this is what we have. let's sell the house, continue to work together in our business, and you move out.

He came back in his own time.....

OR

I can tell him to build the basement like he has been wanting to. Build his man cave instead of the money he will spend on an apartment rental. He can spend his time there if that's what he chooses and can sleep in the spare bedroom upstairs or wherever he wants. I will stay out of his way. I think it's important for him to be here for me and for the kids. It will save us money. It will keep him in his home of comfort. He told me when he came back last time that leaving is the hardest thing he has ever had to do. How can I let him go again?

You can tell him whatever you want, at the end he will choose whatever he chooses, and the only recomended thing for you here its to detach...

Look this sounds crazy but this is the way I see things in my life now and how I reach to conclussions....when something hurt us we are affraid to deal with the pain so we think and do things to have the less amount of pain possible, we escape from that pain by pushing things and interfere in the universe....
What about to just live with those emotions? At the end material things are just that, material things that we acumulate in order to value ourselves based on those material things....
We are more than what we have and thats a hard point to reach, I am not advicing you to loose everything, I am suggesting you to step back, relax and follow your innerself rithym, now you are following the fear rythim and its moving you to find solutions fast, take your time, your decissions today might be different tomorrow....dedicate this time to work on yourself and dont interfere in your H life, let him take his own decissions.

I know I need to open up the cage doors and I will. But do I give him an option to also stay in the house or just go along with him leaving and call this over? Once he is gone I am done trying. I can't take the pain anymore of him going and coming.

There is a deeper cause for this, pain its pain and you can live with pain and go thrue a healing and let the pain behind...
But what I see here its fear of the unknown, you "need" to have everything figure it out in order to feel more safe and with less pain...
We can not tell you what to do because your life its yours and the universe its already taking care of your life....we can tell you to work on yourself and allow you and allow your H to live his own process....

Think about this....spouses get out of the Marriages because they are not happy correct?
That means that in order to be happy they have to find what mades them happy....they are the ones who have to find that happiness, if we have found hapiness we tell them hey honey this is what its going to make you happy, at least this is what made me happy, follow this and you will be happy too...

There is were we interfere, we bring our EGO to show our loved ones how they can find their own hapiness, and at the end none of this works....they have to find their own happiness and yes probably they will do mistakes untill they find that purpose in their lives, but we cant assume GOD role and think that we know what their happiness will be....we just dont know.
My suggestion for you its to focus in yourself, there is no need to interfere and you interfere when you are trying to take the "right" solution, again focus in yourself and see with pacience how things go...

[slow_it_down]

DFE my H moved in and out many, many times. Talk about feeling foolish and like a doormat! But you know what? I actually felt like we each learned something new each time around. Everyone thought I was either nuts or without self esteem but inside I felt strong for giving unconditional love even when it wasn't reciprocated by my H. For me it's either this marriage or no marriage so giving him a few chances seemed a better option than being a single parent and missing my son.

Right now we are living together and a lot of days feel "normal." I think, thank God I didn't give up on him after he moved out this time or that time. He was 'done' many times and even dated other people, but here he is fixing my dryer and eating dinner with us like I asked.

Let him lead the way on the divorce stuff. Don't offer to move out but don't ask him to leave. Let him figure out how this is going to play out. If he wants to draw up an agreement, sit down and draw up an agreement. Me and my H drew up several agreements but he never ended up filing.

Take a deep breathe and try to see this as a hurdle not the end of the road and maybe you can interact with him without the added emotion that is making things worse.

[DFE]

Wow thank you ye21

You are so right. I often times think am I standing in Gods way? Is there a plan for me that I am trying to control? The fear of the unknown is so difficult for me. I do need to know NOW. Patience is not a virtue of mine but I need to work on it. I wish I had worked on me when he left last time. Had I worked on me and detached I wouldn't be feeling like this now.

I feel like he is making a big mistake by leaving his life and all that we have worked to build but you are right. Who am I to prove that to him? This is a path that I need to go down. I just need to build up enough strength to get through it.

[DFE]

slow_it_down I know exactly what you mean. I often feel like a doormat as well. I know all those around me think the same thing. My H's own mother told me today to just kick him to the curb and not shed a single tear for him.

I feel like if everyone gave up on their marriage when they got tired of it then nobody would stay married. To me it's work but I don't know how much more I have left in me. I can do ALL the work it takes with him in the house. Once he leaves I need to learn to detach and move on. He has been holding me hostage in a way for years.

I have lived in fear of him leaving me for years and I just need stability. I think I need to start with the agreement with him. There are things he has asked for in the past that he may get in this agreement that may make him feel whole. He needs to be happy with himself before he can make me happy.

I am so happy to hear that your husband is back. Please cherish him even when times are tough. I am so full of regret and swore that this time I would be different. That we wouldn't fight over the small things. That didn't happen. I thank you for your insight. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone out here.

[Starsky309]

Sadly, far, FAR too many people fall either totally into the "Just kick 'em to the curb!" camp, or the "Sit idly by, and let him come and go as he pleases, with no boundaries in place" one.

Neither one works -- nor is biblical -- in my opinion.

It's possible stand for your marriage, and for HOLINESS in your marriage, without being a doormat. Having healthy boundaries in place, and conditions by which a wayward spouse is allowed back into your house, your heart and your marriage, is the best way to go.

In my opinion.


Starsky

[ye21]

I feel like he is making a big mistake by leaving his life and all that we have worked to build but you are right. Who am I to prove that to him? This is a path that I need to go down. I just need to build up enough strength to get through it.

The strength its already inside of you, and God or a higher source its leading you to find it....why other ways do you think you found this website?
Why you think I said what I said?
We are all one, the universe its connected and we all appear in each other life because thats the way the universe does its own business, what I am saying to you in my other post its something I didn't knew a few weeks ago, not even years ago, but a higher source feed me with that, I aligned myself with purpose...

Let me explain you this in a more visual way, in our first 9 months before we are born, we don't choose the color of our eyes, our hair, language, way of thinking, the relationships that we will have....and we are fine, we have everything that we need, in those 9 months a higher source or God has created us and has given us a purpose in life... Then you are born and your parents often say without words, wow thank you God or universe, this creature its beautiful...now we will take care from here...and then they take God's place and teach us all their fears and values that they had learned, they might even choose schools, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends and our clothes....and if we don't follow their beliefs we are rebels... And in their eyes we will end having a "wrong" life...

You are a beautiful creature made it to perfection by God, he didn't create your problems, he created a purpose for you but we often get diss aligned with that purpose....and then all the problems happens and everything keeps getting worst and wow a D and wow I lost my job...

Now what if all that you been doing its not searching to be align ? What if this D or other Quantum moments are being showed there to help you get aligned again?
There is where you will find the solution an a life full of meaning, yes it hurts to go trough a D and its painful, but what if thats your purpose? What if the universe plan its to put you thru this to find the real meaning of your life? I am sure it is like that, and instead of "fighting" why don't just trust and let the universe take care? Once you listen to that inner call from a place of no EGO you will have that fulfilling and happy life that as you can see you have been looking for.

Getting D its not a legal procedure or emotional detachment, its a spiritual growth that will move you to a different place, some people keep getting D over and over because they choose to believe they have a way to make their lives better...

What if I tell you that your life its just great the way it is and that this D its just opening yourself to a plan that the universe has to bring you something much bigger that you can imagine....its clear your M wasn't a happy one, and your EGO will tell you to stay on it because fears flow around trying to figure it out how your life will be.....now, the universe and your higher choice has been listening to you and because of that its putting you through a D, because there is a much better outcome out of this...maybe its putting you thru all this to discover new passions on you, to bring you and your H to a spiritual place where you guys will have no more unsubstantial arguments and you both experience growth together inside a different marriage that has nothing to do with the old one...the higher source might be preparing you both to live the happier days of your life's together, something you didn't have before.... I don't know, I am not your higher source but I know you and only you can search for that alignment, by reading, by GAL and by appreciating the most beautiful thing you have, yourself...

Now what you choose? To go against or to go with the higher source? Let your higher source guide you, at this point there is not too more many options...

[ye21]

I am going to show you how to practice non interference...
Example:
Your kids are playing and its time to eat... You call them to eat and they tell you:
No mom I am not hungry, we are playing...

Imagine that instead of making them come you just say something like:

Ok kids I am going to eat because I am hungry, you guys can come eat whenever you are hungry

Thats called non-interference and you can practice it everyday

[DFE]

We had a talk tonight. He is clear he wants a divorce and wants to move out. He says part of biggest problem is my persistence. And if I wasn't sp persistent the first time he left we may have fallen back in love with me.

So what now? I am going to review his proposal of the separation agreement. It's very fair but I told him I needed a little time to think it over. He is pretty clear when we figure out the financial situation he will move. He said just let the hips fall where they may.

We have a trip scheduled with friends. He said we could go together as friends. I obviously want to go but it's hard. So seems like the way to his heart is a chance. He wants me playing hard to get rather in his face. So do I go ahead be seductive? Do I make him a little jealous? Do I look hot all the time?

Do I not go? He has made it clear we will not remain married but can be the best of friends. advice? He came home last time because he thought there was a man in the house. Advise???

[MrBond]

"And if I wasn't sp persistent the first time he left we may have fallen back in love with me."

Don't believe this. He has shown no signs of respecting you and actually continues to blame YOU. He has taken no responsibility for his own actions. Tell him that when the D happens you will not be friends.

Personally, I would not go on the trip. I would tell him that he could go and when he's gone you are going to pack up his stuff ready for him to leave because you feel like he's been like a heavy weight dragging you down. And that now that he's leaving you can be free. He's not going to like that but you have to cut him off.