I am pretty sure she is having an MLC. What now?

[nyk]

Yes I have. I entered anger management counseling last fall...saved my life. I have been working on not being as intense with my sons and they have noticed. I am now in therapy and have identified my need to detach, which my therapist agrees.
I put my college career on hold, and the projects-well I can afford them mentally or financially right now even if I wanted to. Hopefully they can be relaxation/hobbies someday like they were originally.
My focus now is on my sons and their grief, and of course my own head. I have many fears now and I will try to put them to bed peacefully...

[MrBond]

So essentially you've "changed" for around 5 months. That's not really long enough to have any lasting changes kick in. What have your interactions been when you see each other in person?

[AJM]

Mr B speaks wisdom.

But I have to ask:

and of course my own head. I have many fears now and I will try to put them to bed peacefully...

Isn't that the more important part right now? More important than your w (not your sons)? I'm sure it would be nice to have it all, but there needs to be priorities, and I think I'd make that my number 2 if I was in your shoes, just after the kids.

AJ

[nyk]

There are not many face to face interactions right now, but I have worked on not talking r and being pleasant. I am keeping it dark right now. When we had interactions before it usually ended with her crying and telling me i am selfish or manipulative and that i emotionally abused her.

[nyk]

I agree with you AJ. The kids did nothing to deserve this, and one of the twins has some anger issues also so we communicate about that alot. I think the revelation this past week about codependence and detaching are a good route to take with my therapist. My next book will be codependence no more. I have DB and DR alomg with several other relationship oriented reads...moving onto self help books.

[nyk]

Just another week in lala land. W decided to trade the minivan in for an extended cab pickup and needed my to sign title. I agreed and was pleaseant, acting the same way I would if a buddy bought a new truck. Finished workweek and went to my buddies farm to help gather sap and learned about sugaring. Trying to stay busy, upbeat, and still missing my boys....

[nyk]

After last weekend I realized where my biggest void was. I miss my children. Under the current arrangement I go from wednesday to wednesday without seeing them. That was unacceptable to me.
I think in the early going I felt so responsible for all of this that I moved away to protect all of us.
Now that I understand that I have faults and am working hard on them and that much of the problem is W's MLC.
I did not understand that she is a completely different person now. I am trying to change, but I think the pain of missing sons is too much and unwarranted. She must believe so too. I approached her about me moving back to the school district and she was all for it. Of course, she had to monster a little bit by pressuring me about separation again and implying I should use my half of the home equity to pay off bills and make it easier...I didnt bite.

[nyk]

Great news! I found a cheap, but nice 2br apartment. I move in May1 and will now have my kids 1/2 of the time. Early on MLC wife's accusations and observations about my parenting skills left me feeling like she was the only reason our kids are so great. I now realize that was also 50% me and so do the kids...I think I am starting to put my life back together and I feel so excited!!!

[ericmsant2]

Congrats on the apt and on putting your life back together!

[AJM]

Indeed. Congrats!

Perspective is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

AJ