Looking back on today I realized that the way I dealt with my emotions was completely different.
In years past when I thought about losing my best friend or had to unexpectedly had to deal with it I would just swallow and hide my pain. I felt this is what a man would do, he wouldn't burden his family or others with his emotions and pain. It would be a weakness to feel or show these things.
Today was different, and I didn't even realize it until reviewing my day and journaling. Today I didn't run from or try to hide or deny my feelings. When the emotions hit me I just let them and didn't try to hide them or deny them. All of this and my kids were around for the whole thing and I wasn't embarrassed nor did I feel like less of a man.
My youngest asked me why I had a tear on my face. I showed him the picture in the paper and told him he was my best friend. He asked why I was sad and I told him that he died and I explained the car crash etc to him. He listened and looked sympathetic but I did not feel awkward or embarrassed.
I was surprised that I didn't realize my change in emotional expression and the changes I have made to how I deal with it. I hope this points to real change because up until the separation losing my best friend was the most painful experience of my life. I liked how I handled my emotions today.
I think it DOES point to real change, and I LOVE how you handled your emotions today.
On a serious but related note, I wanted to share something with you.
Years ago, a dear friend of ours (my h's bff) lost his father to suicide...and his children were told the truth about their grandfather taking his own life (after his 3rd w left him, b/c he was a stubborn man who talked about "wearing the pants in the family" to keep control and I think when he lost control of wife#3, he lost it all...))
Anyhow, I suppose the grandkids could have been hurt but they were more amazed at the choice than anything. But here's the deal. Our friend LET his kids see him grieve.
It's a deep grief, but not a fatal one. It is also not eternally painful in that way.
These^^ are such important lessons to learn, and to pass on. Plus, someday our children will face our deaths...and it's good to show them that you can be deeply wounded and yet, live on. And be happy again, laugh again, enjoy things again...without repressing any emotions.
Also, sidenote, that bff is a truly great father and possibly the best h I know. But he had one lousy role model of his own. He said he "always knew what NOT to do; the problem was figuring out what TO DO"....and then he sought out male role models who he admired or thought were good at something he wanted to emulate.
His own FIL was one, as were some mentor friends and a chaplain. So yes, the cycle CAN indeed be broken.
Look at us...
Bravo....Really, well done.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
